What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

[oumahexi]

The old ones are the best

A Scottish man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Scot. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Scot started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

[oumahexi]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.

In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

 

[Rich]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty
> and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
> She turned out to be an undercover detective.
> How cool is that at her age?!
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
> She said I had to stop wanking.
> When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
> I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and
> thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's
> innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an
> insect."
> To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground
> with a **** like that."
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him
> in front of a steam train.
> He was chuffed to bits.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
> kids.
> Took her out with one punch.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
> "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
> was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old
> daughter.
> Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound
> to be curious about sex at that age."
> "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix
> out!"
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind
> a gravestone. I said "morning."
> He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around
> in.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
> pocketed.
> How could anyone stoop so low?
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------
> I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
> fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
> I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A Business Lesson !

MONKEY BUSINESS

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.


The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!


The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy
On his behalf.
The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!


Now you have a better understanding of how the
WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS !!!

It doesn't get much clearer than this................

 

[oumahexi]

You know you are a true Scot if...

Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
Ye measure distance in minutes.
Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin
clarty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget

 

[Rabbie]

Verry guid but ye forgot Colquhoun and Kirkcudbright in the pronounciation bit and
and from the words and phrases you missed

Dinnae fash yersel'

I'm fair scunnered.

 

[JamesLast99]

You know you are a true Scot if....Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
A scottish footballer - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWfp0hIhH_Q

 

[oumahexi]

Auchterarder; Yets o'Muckhart and Ballachulish

No tae mention a Glesgae kiss

 

[Rabbie]

Auchterarder; Yets o'Muckhart and Ballachulish

No tae mention a Glesgae kiss

Here's tae us!
Wha's like us?
Damn few!
And they're a' deid!

 

[oumahexi]

Here's tae us!
Wha's like us?
Damn few!
And they're a' deid!

Am no deid yit!

 

[oumahexi]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb...

 

[Rich]

Rindercella and sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard
> frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.



At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right
> bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.




The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
>
> Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking
> cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother
> told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.




At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse
> over ollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.
>
> The very next day, the prandsome hince knockedon Rindercella's door and the sugly isters
> let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust
> jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.




When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.




Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls anda hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on
> Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.




Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

The late great RBarker

 

[oumahexi]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Liam O'Hanlon , a
local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Liam , like many of the Glasgow men folk, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Liam was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with
the gorilla for £500 ?
Liam showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under four conditions:

1. "First", Liam said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Liam said, "I want all the weans raised as " Celtic fans."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Liam stated, "Ye'll need tae gie me anither week
to come up with the £500"

 

[ButSeriously]

Safety Quiz​

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get off the merry-go-round you're pissed. *

 

[oumahexi]

​

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'.

And so they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
​

 

[andy15]

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

 

[Rich]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

 

[oumahexi]

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a clean shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with PETROL
(FROM SAUDI ARABIA )
After spending the day at the job centre, he went to the pub
( IRISH THEME)
and drank a BELGIAN Beer from a FRENCH made glass,
nibbled THAI bar snacks and wondered why he couldn't get a f*****g job in Britain !

 

[Rich]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy

marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems

by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself

as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.







A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious

dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'







Artie then explained to the husband that his going price

for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.







The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but

that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could

collect his wife's insurance money.







Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front,

so the man opened his wallet, displaying a one pound

note that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, &

reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment

for the dirty deed.







A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the

local Tesco's store. There, he surprised her in the

produce department & proceeded to strangle her with

his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew

her last breath she slumped to the floor........







The manager of the produce department stumbled

unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave

any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but

to strangle the produce manager as well.







However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were

captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by

the store's security guard, who immediately called the

police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even

leave the store.







Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie

revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual

financial arrangements with the hapless husband who

was also quickly arrested.







The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared .....



















(You're going to hate me for this ... )





















' ARTIE CHOKES 2 for a pound at Tesco's ! '

 

[rainman89]

Here are some goodies....

1 The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2 I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3 She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4 A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5 The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6 No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7 A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other; 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14 I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15 A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16 A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how

he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18 It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19 The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20 The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22 In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23 When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24 Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!