What's your best/worst joke?

[RainLover]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestorsalready had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".



One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."



...Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!
​

 

[Isskint]

yeah it was called the bush telegraph

 

[RainLover]

The Bush Telegraph still works today and is in full operation.

Do you know what it is?

 

[Isskint]

Well myth has it that its the way aborigini communicate. But isn't it a radio programme?

 

[RainLover]

Well myth has it that its the way aborigini communicate. But isn't it a radio programme?

No it is not.

It is simply one neighbour talking to another.

This started years ago because no one had a phone out back. The only thing they had was the wireless radio.

We now have phones and the internet in most places but everyone still uses the term Bush Telegraph. These people who can live a hundred miles from their nearest neighbour talk to each other more often than most people talk to their neighbour who are right next door.

Don't think of this as backward. We have a country that is about 10% smaller than the main part of the USA with 20 million people. America has 300 Million I think.

We are doing well just to have roads in a lot of places, even though they are dirt.

Hope this helps to understand.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Darn Cat

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got
out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the
house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that
the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, "Sorry I took so
long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had
to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Menu Commands

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way
to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those
commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command...

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should
be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's
happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing
Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

 

[Galaxiom]

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

That could be a North Queensland (Australia) joke. They really do end every sentence with "eh" up there.

It is one of the symptoms of what we southerners call "tropo".

 

[Dick7Access]

That could be a North Queensland (Australia) joke. They really do end every sentence with "eh" up there.

It is one of the symptoms of what we southerners call "tropo".

Well, well, well!!! What an informative forum!!! You can even learn something on a joke thread. Being a Yankee and living in the south I get more than my share of ribbing, but I thought it was a USA thing. I never realize that you folks had that in Aussie country.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Hoya!

A politician gives a stump speech in an Indian reservation, trying to garner the Native American ballot. "If elected, I promise better education for Native Americans," he says. The crowd goes wild, calling out "Hoya! Hoya!"

Guy doesn't know what the word means, but he figures, hey, they look excited, so he goes on. "I promise to propose legislation permitting a casino to be built on this reservation," he says. The crowd gets even more frenzied, and keeps shouting "Hoya!" over and over. Encouraged by the cheers, he finishes his speech: "And if elected, I promise to ensure better health care and employment options for Native Americans!" The crowd is at a fever pitch, stamping their feet and yelling "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

His speech finished, the guy shakes some hands, kisses some babies, and decides to go on a tour of the reservation before hitting the campaign trail again. The politician comes across a huge herd of cattle, and says to his guide, "I was raised on a ranch, and I've always loved cattle. Mind if I go over and get a closer look?"

"Sure," says the guide, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Required Course

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course.
The first day, the professor commented on each student's major,
trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were
becoming defensive. When it was
my turn, I told him I was a music major.

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting
your education to study music?"

"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

 

[Isskint]

Lollipop ladies, they make me cross

Lone Ranger goes into town one day with Tonto. Tonto is on a bit of a health drive, so he jogs. When they get to the town Tonto says I'll wait out here jogging on the spot". Anyway 10 minutes later the Lone Ranger has not come out, and a local comes in and says "someones left their injun running!"

 

[Dick7Access]

Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad" answered the kid.

You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammad. I m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."

 

[Romper]

An Asian man walks into an Australian Post Office and asks for a postage stamp. The clerk hands him a stamp and says "That'll be 60 cents thank you", the Asian looks at the stamp and says "I was here yesterday and it was only 55 cents, why is it more now?" The clerk replies "Fluctuation".

The Asian replies "Fluck you Aussies too!

 

[Jacob Mathai]

An Asian was coming to America. His relatives received him at the airport and then they went to a hamburger joint to eat. A hot dog was ordered for the new immigrant. He had never heard of a thing called hot dog. When the hot dog was served, he looked at it and said,"Sorry, I cannot eat this. I will eat any other part of the dog."

 

[kevlray]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto got chased into a box canyon (no way out) by a indian war party. The Lone Range turns to Tonto and says, "Looks like we are done for it". Tonto reply's, "What do you mean "we", honky".

 

[Rx_]

Really Dumb Jokes:

yo mother is so fat, the recursive function computing her mass causes a stack overflow.

Yo momma's so fat that when I used multiple integration to find the volume under her curves, it turned out she was a hypervolume and could not be graphed.

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardare problem

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

There are only 1 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. He is embarrassed but realises it has nothing to do with his dyslexia.

What do dogs and keyboards have in common?
Nothing.

Why did the color blind man cut the red wire and accidentally blew himself up and all the other people involved in the situation?
Because he didn't know how to defuse a bomb.

My mother in law fell down a wishing well, i was amazed, i never new they actually worked

Why do flamingos hold up one leg?
If they held up two they'd fall down.

 

[Galaxiom]

There are only 1 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

Clearly this one was passed on by someone who doesn't understand binary.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Retirement

Two officers pulled their police cruiser up behind a car stopped on
the shoulder of the highway. They got out and asked the driver if
they could help. No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just
stopped to look at a map. When we turned back, they noticed that his
German Shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of
the police car.

"You may think there's no trouble," the first officer smiled, "but
your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."

The motorist laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to
work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Prospective Juror

Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be
excused from serving on this jury?"

"Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital
punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to
prevent the trial from running its proper course."

"Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit.
A wife is bringing this case against her husband because
he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to
remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about
capital punishment after all."