What's your best/worst joke?

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Just Like Mommy

A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother
was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she
announced.

"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

"No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Taking You Out

My friend's wife returned from a tour of duty in the Middle East. To
celebrate, he decided to take her out for a night on the town. Proud
of her service record, he suggested she wear her uniform.

Not only did a patriotic taxi driver refuse to accept money from
them, but an appreciative citizen paid for her meal at the
restaurant, and the theater manager upgraded their balcony seats to
the orchestra.

At the end of the evening, my friend turned to his wife. "I still get
credit for taking you out, right?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Last Name

Sczyelski, my last name, is a mouthful, so I was thrilled when my
three-year-old niece learned to spell it.

That is until my cousin said, "You can spell it any way you like;
who'll know if it's wrong?"

 

[scott-atkinson]

Marlin47

 

[noboffinme]

Thermos Flask.

A reporter is given a boring task on a slow news day, to ask passers by what the best invention in the world is & why.

He stops a man who says "The car, they're affordable to most people & bring people together".

He speaks to a lady next who advises "It's definitely electricity, bringing warmth & light & let's me have loads of labour saving devices"

Lastly he asks another man & he says "It's gotta be the Thermos Flask!, yes definitely the Thermos Flask."

The reporter finds this a bit odd & asks him why the Thermos Flask of all things is the best invention in the world???

The man enthuses "OK, it's winter & you wake up, boil the kettle add some coffee & boiling water to the Thermos Flask & go off to work, hours later I open the flask & out I pour Boiling hot coffee!!"

The reporter says to the man, well so what??

The man gets even more enthuisiastic and says "OK, now imagine it's a hot summer day & you get the Thermos Flask & add fruit juice & ice cubes, hours later I open the flask & out pours freezing cold fruit juice!!"

The reporting is really confused now so he asks "What's so special about that?"

The man replies "Well, how does it know???"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Hypochondriac

Hypochondriac that I am, I constantly log on to the Internet to self-diagnose
my latest ailment. But even I knew it was time to lighten up the day I typed
in the keywords "liver disorders." That let me to a medical site. With growing
alarm I realized I had each of the first seven symptoms. Then I came to No.8
and suddenly felt much better: "Feeling of lethargy. No longer enjoys romping
and wagging tail."

 

[eirman]

Which side of a sheep has the most hair ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the outside!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Blue Sweater

While shopping one day, I noticed a woman wearing a beautiful cable-knit
blue sweater. Intrigued, I stopped her and asked if she had knit it.

She had, she told me; it had been her project while giving up smoking.

"But I seldom wear it," she said.

"Why?" I asked.

"It's really spooky," she admitted. "Every time I put it on, I want a
cigarette."

 

[Rx_]

Conversions between English rules?
An American detained at Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be an Public High-School Math teacher, was arrested on landing while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is preparing to be examined for charges of carrying weapons of math instruction.


Texas A&M "aggie" engineering joke (a national thing since they be so smart) :
The US Treasury has announced they are recalling the new new Texas 90 Cent coin. "We are recalling all the new Texas coins that were recently issued." Treasury Undersecretary I.M. Broke stated in a press conference.
This coin was designed for the Texas Toll Booths, but the complaints have been overwhelming.
This is truly amazing how soon a recall has been ordered as Texas A&M assembled a huge team of experts to design the new 90 cent coin over two years.

The winning design team for the Texas coin was submitted by Texas A&M Students and Staff listed with their majors / titles as follows:
Anger Management Coach Kirsten Hollered
Qualty Control Officer Turner Luce
Arbitration Expert Viola Fuss
Art Critic Phyllis Steen
Director of Strategic Planning Kent C. Detrees
PR Specialist Lotta B. Essen
Safety Advisor Hugh Wake
Corrosion Engineer Rusty Steele
Engineer Translator Nadia Geddit
Bean Counter Ed Amame
Customer Behavior Consultant Wyatt B. Hoovesia
Caffeine Addiction counselor Bruno Moore
Chairman, Math Dept. Horatio Algebra
Chairman, Staff Physics Dept Victor Analysis
Chief Negotiator Bernadette Bridge
Co-Chairmen of Apathy Study Group Ben Thayer, Don Thatt
Commencement Speaker Gladys Overwith
Communications Director George Stayontopothis
Communications Director II Noam Sayin
Complaint Resolution Specialist Billy Aiken
Computer Hardware Specialist C. Colin Backslash
Computer Instructor C. Boynton Glick
Copyright Attorney Pat Pending
Campus Spokesperson Hugh Lyon Sack
Employment Specialist Hope Anna Prayer
Creative Director Drew A. Blank
Defense Attorney Justin Volk V
Defense Attorney II Heronimus B. Blind
Defense Attorney III Donnatella Dicoppas
Defense Attorney IV Gil T. Azell
Director of Employee Loyalty Program Upton Leftus
Director of Ethics & Honesty U. Lyon Sack
Director of Grad Student Transportation Iona Heap
Director of Nutritional Supplements Rose Hips
Director of Pavlovian Research Isabelle Ringing
Director of Pedestrian Operations Carless Castenada
Director of Photography Len Scapon
Director of Positive Reinforcement A. Kurt Nod
Director of Pollution Control Maury Missions
Director of Preventive Maintenance Oscar Ruitt
Director of Purchasing Lois Bidder
Director of Top Secret Strategy Donatello Nobatti
Martial Arts Trainer Anita Degroin
Physics Graduate Student Laura Vernersha
Campus PR Director Bea Esser
Rocket Scientist Chet Propeld
Safety Officers Mort & Fay Tality
Sales Director Aziz Nowarranty
Solicitor of New Ideas Obie Quiet
Special Liaison to the Texas Energy Commission Tanya Lightov
Staff Intern Lois Rung
Dept Head's Teenage Daughter Sasha Royal Payne Dias
Urgent Response Coordinator Candace Waite
Transportation Coordinator Rick Shaw
Travel Agent Lois Faire

"We believe the problem with the 90 cent coin is a design flaw" said US Treasury Internal Auditor Bernice Documents "Apparently, the duct tape holding the three quarters and one dime together keeps jamming any coin-operated devices."

OK, that is enough Pun-ish-ment for one day.

 

[Dick7Access]

Conversions between English rules?


OK, that is enough Pun-ish-ment for one day.

I think somebody has a lot of free time.

 

[Rx_]

Spot on! I am on holiday in Vail Colorado. My porch is over the Eagle River. The fish are biting, tired of pulling out trout. The only thing flowing faster than the river is my premium red wine. Was enjoying a few jokes here today... and I really do mean a "few". LOL

 

[Rx_]

The Three Envelopes required for your IT Job:
A few years ago I was hired to replace a retiring veteran in IT, and on his last day, he handed me 3 envelopes. (thus, the name of this joke).

He told me that when things got insane, crazy and I didn't know what to do, to just open only the first envelope. (the setup)

Then he predicted that after a while there would be another insane, crazy situation - then it would be time to open the 2nd envelope. Then, the same to open the 3rd envelope.

A few months down the road a situation came up and I was clueless so I opened the first envelope. It simply said, " Tell them you are still new to the position and it takes time to build your own footprint in this business but you are almost there."
I did this and to my amazement it bought me some relief from upper management.

A few months later, I again had things go off-track and opened the 2nd envelope. It simply said, " Blame everything on me. Tell them I had gotten soft in my execution and it must be the reason for my retirement." I felt bad to do this but he suggested it so I did and it worked amazingly well.

Finally a good bit of time passed and I again ran into a bind and just didn't know what to do and opened the final envelope.
I slumped in my chair as it said: "Prepare 3 envelopes."

Adapted from an old 1920's vaudeville act.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Taxing Cinderella

The tax adviser had just read the story of Cinderella
to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The
little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the
part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned
into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or
a long-term capital gain?"

 

[Dick7Access]

Conversions between English rules?



Texas A&M "aggie" engineering joke (a national thing since they be so smart) :

OK, that is enough Pun-ish-ment for one day.

I am from Fl and have nothing against Aggies so if your an Aggie fan don't get mad at me. I am in Longview, TX right now heading for Austin tomorrow so I thnk that gives me a license to tell this Aggie joke I heard here in Longview. What do you get if you cross an Aggie with a gorilla?


A retarded gorilla!!!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Lost Parrot

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had
Lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted
to know how the caller located him.

The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept
Repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-3214. I can't come to the
Phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

 

[kevlray]

I heard this one the other day. I am not from either state, but I do live in California now.

When Okie's emigrated from Oklahoma to California, the average IQ went up in both states.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Mother's Wisdom

My wife and I were visiting my mother. My sisters, their husbands and
many nieces and nephews had gathered at mom's house to welcome
our newborn. Suddenly, two of my nieces, both five, began to squabble
over who'd get to hold the baby on their lap first. My mother, with her
years of wisdom, suggested they sit side by side and both hold the baby.
Not to be outdone, One niece piped up and said, "Okay! But I want the end
with the head on it!"

 

[Dick7Access]

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight. - George Gobel

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Credit Card Problem

Standing in line at the clothing store's counter, I watched as the woman
ahead of me handed the clerk her credit card. The customer waited for a
long time while the saleswoman went to verify the account.

When she finally returned, the clerk said, "I'm sorry, but this card
is in your husband's name, and we can't accept it because the records
show he is deceased."

With that, the woman turned to her spouse, who was standing next to
her and asked, "Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for you today?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Airline Fees

With airlines adding fees to fees, A local magazine
asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll
levy for something previously free.

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply
insert your credit card.....

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating
(formerly aisle seats), $10 - $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter
or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you
take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin
after you bump into it.