What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

Modern IT Department Philosophy:
Hello, I have no clue about your business problems, I have only a vague idea about your information needs. I don't know what your data means. I have no time or budget for new projects.
Naturally, I believe that Access databases and Excel spreadsheets are the Devil's spawn.
Now, how may our IT Department Serve You?
********************************
For the fellow investors out there:

Investment advice and investors are like eggs and bacon at breakfast.
The Chicken was involved, but the pig was committed.

******* Investment Proverbs ********
  • When buying shares, ask yourself, would you buy the whole company? (Rene Rivkin)
  • A correction takes place to determine which investments are the tennis balls and which are the eggs.
    You want to own the things that bounce, as in tennis balls, and not in eggs. (William Berger)
  • Most people ignore probabilities and exaggerate risk. (Ralph Wagner)
  • The time of maximum pessimism is the best time to buy and the time of maximum optimism is the best time to sell. (John Templeton)
  • A market is the combined behavior of thousands of people responding to information, misinformation, and whim. (Kenneth Chang)
  • The key to making money in stocks is not to get scared out of them. (Peter Lynch)
  • An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. (Benjamin Franklin)
  • Those who are unwilling to invest in the future haven’t earned one. (H.W. Lewis)
  • Successful investing is anticipating the anticipation of others. (John Maynard Keynes)
  • The market does not trade upon what everybody knows, but upon what those with the best information can foresee. (William Hamilton)
  • Diversify your investments. (John Templeton)
  • The four most dangerous words in investing are “This time, its different”. (John Templeton)
  • It’s far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price. (Warren Buffett)
  • Never invest in any idea you can’t illustrate with a crayon. (Peter Lynch)
  • Don’t invest your money on the advice of a poor man. (Spain)
  • Never bet on the end of the world. It only happens once. (Art Cashin)
  • Fallible emotional people determine price; cold hard cash determines value. (Christopher C. Davis)
  • We simply attempt to be fearful when others are greedy and greedy only when others are fearful. (Warren Buffett)
  • Time in the market is more important than timing the market. (Unknown)
  • Goodness is the only investment that never fails. (Henry David Thoreau)
  • An investor without investment objectives is like a traveler without a destination. (Ralph Seger)
 
Thought this had to be a joke. Looks like someone in Australia is making a living off of this. Was wondering if it is just Australia of if there are other places?
Then, I remembered one here in Denver, Colorado. (The high altitude keeps them from flying away?)
I always wanted to be a Rancher. Did not think I could afford the acres to support a Ranch.
Perhaps my concept of ranching should fit this mail order model?
Australia: http://www.ozinsects.com/
Denver: https://www.butterflies.org/
 
Remember what Jesus said: 'Goats on the left, sheep on the right' (Matthew 25:33).
 Also read, Matthew 25:34 and Matthew 25:41
​
Jesus also told Peter that if he wanted to catch fish do it from the right side of the boat. They did and filled the boat with fish.

John 21:6 (NIV) ... He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish."

Origin of Left & Right...

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left".

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) - "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left."

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.
It surely can't get any simpler than that.

Spelling Lesson :

The last four letters in American.......... I Can
The last four letters in Republican........ I Can
The last four letters in Democrats......... Rats

End of lesson ! ....Test to follow on November 6, 2016 .

Remember, November 2016 is to be set aside as rodent removal month.

Please share this Bible Lesson with all your friends and email buddies to help achieve that goal
 
Of course not to take anything away from what Dick7Access said, but in the Middle Ease. The left hand was considered dirty at all time because that is the hand that was used to wipe after going (do not want to get too graphic here). I heard that is why left-handed people where not welcomes much years ago.
 
Thanks Dick, for the great analysis. You really got me thinking about how many times words appear and what the end result actually means.

So, I did my own analysis using the Point Cloud map of the Bible.
It would determine if the Bible finds the concept of the Left to be more valid than your ideas. So, I used the same methodology.
The Results (Attached) were truly eye opening.

Thanks for sharing the verses to make an implied point. Here are some of my favorites:
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the banks of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard through out the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in services in a Volkswagon.
We are pressed in every way, but cramped beyond movement.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchnezzar, he was on grass for 7 years.

Q. Where is the first Baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodial son came home.
The Giants and Angels were rained out.

Q. Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be utter destruction.

(Dick, please remember this is the Joke Forum) :D
 

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Rx_ said:
Thanks Dick, for the great analysis. You really got me thinking about how many times words appear and what the end result actually means.

So, I did my own analysis using the Point Cloud map of the Bible.
It would determine if the Bible finds the concept of the Left to be more valid than your ideas. So, I used the same methodology.
The Results (Attached) were truly eye opening.

Thanks for sharing the verses to make an implied point. Here are some of my favorites:
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the banks of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard through out the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in services in a Volkswagon.
We are pressed in every way, but cramped beyond movement.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchnezzar, he was on grass for 7 years.

Q. Where is the first Baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodial son came home.
The Giants and Angels were rained out.

Q. Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be utter destruction.

(Dick, please remember this is the Joke Forum) :D
Click to expand...

Amen,and Amen. I thought it was great. Of course it will lead me to plagiarism.
 
Doctor: "Your shins have some nasty bruises. Do you play hockey or soccer?"
Patient: "Nope. My wife and I play bridge."
 
A PAIN FUNNY


Hypochondriac: "I have a terrible pain in my left side. I think it's appendicitis!"


Doctor: "No, that can't be. The appendix is on the right side."
"So THAT'S why it hurts so much! My appendix is on the wrong side!"
 
GCF: New Online Service

There's a new online service that allows you to use Facebook,
Twitter, e-mail, surf the Web and read all the news in one place.

That one place is called "work."
 
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
On his recent visit to Ireland the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down... He replied it has not been the same since Carol Vorderman left :)
 
My top faves!
1) There was a big fat fluffy cat that passed away and went to the gates of Heaven. There St. Peter greets him asking what he would like in Heaven. Stretching, he replies "A biiiig fluffy pillow in a nice warm sunny spot." St. Peter tells him where to find his wish and he runs off into Heaven. A few days later 4 or 5 little mice come to the gates, and St. Peter asks them what they would like. "We've been running from cats, dogs, and cars our whole lives, we would like a pair of roller blades!", they squeaked. A couple months went by and St. Peter decided to go check on everyone. He comes across the big fat fluffy cat, "Well hello there! How are you doing Mr. Fat Cat?" Rolling over for his belly to be rubbed he replies, "Wonderful! This pillow is so comfy, I get belly rubs all the time, and this is the warmest spot ever! Oh, by the way, thanks for the meals on wheels!"

2) A blonde walks into a store and tells the clerk, "I want that TV please." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes." The woman comes back the next week (hair dyed brown), "Sir, I would like that TV please." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't sell to blondes." The next week she comes back with black hair, "Can I have that TV, please?" "I'm sorry we don't sell to blondes" says the clerk. Annoyed she asks, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" The clerk replies, "That's not a TV, that's a microwave."

3) (for the worst joke & one of my nieces came up with this when she was 5).
What do you get when lightning hits a tree?
A burnt squirrel!
 
GCF: Dinner Problem

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight
nervously announced about thirty minutes outbound from Los Angeles,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know how this happened, but we have
103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone
who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will
receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change
his mind, we still have twenty-nine dinners available!"
 
WHAT YEAR IS IT?

A movie about a place called JURASSIC PARK is #1 at the Box office.
A movie about a machine called THE TERMINATOR is set to be released soon.
A New Edition of the FINAL FANTASY Series is due out later this year.

AND

BUSH and CLINTON appear to be well on their way to represent their parties in the United States General election.

Again we ask WHAT YEAR IS IT?
 
That would be 2015, although I would argue it's WAAAAAY too early to call Bush and Clinton as the likely nominees.
 
Frothingslosh said:
That would be 2015, although I would argue it's WAAAAAY too early to call Bush and Clinton as the likely nominees.
Click to expand...

You get 1/2 credit. A quick Google search will show you that it could be 2015, but it also could be 1991. That's what makes it amusing.
 
GCF: Ransom

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I
share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies' room to
fill it with water.

Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying
some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a
note under the door.

"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the
coffeepot."
 
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