R
Rich
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khaki>>>>>>>> sounds like>>>>>>>car key
What's your best/worst joke? (4 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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Maybe it's because your female!
(Now that's British humor, and probably American humor as well)
To help you recover from this embarrassing situation, I can give you an amusing quote I heard recently, I don't recall the ladies name unfortunately.
I imagine she was in a similar situation, she said I've just had a "blonde moment" then she said, "I am much too young to have had a senior moment"
I thought that was very good.
(Now that's British humor, and probably American humor as well)
To help you recover from this embarrassing situation, I can give you an amusing quote I heard recently, I don't recall the ladies name unfortunately.
I imagine she was in a similar situation, she said I've just had a "blonde moment" then she said, "I am much too young to have had a senior moment"
I thought that was very good.
KenHigg
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World's Thinnest Books
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
B y Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
YHE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
B y Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
YHE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
R
Rich
Guest
More Worlds thinnest books
The American book of diplomacy
The truth, by George Bush
Where I went wrong by George Bush
Justification for killing wild animals by Kenny
Recipe book for real ale by Budweiser
America's most popular politician
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by George Bush
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS Johnson
Super bowl highlights.
The American book of diplomacy
The truth, by George Bush
Where I went wrong by George Bush
Justification for killing wild animals by Kenny
Recipe book for real ale by Budweiser
America's most popular politician
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by George Bush
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS Johnson
Super bowl highlights.
Last edited:
mitchem1
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World's Thinnest Books (continued)
Things I say that are clever
By Rich
Things I say that are cute
By Rich
My never ending hardon with George Bush (oops, this would be a thick book)
By Rich
My never ending hardon with America (as would this)
By Rich
Things I say that are clever
By Rich
Things I say that are cute
By Rich
My never ending hardon with George Bush (oops, this would be a thick book)
By Rich
My never ending hardon with America (as would this)
By Rich
Brianwarnock
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Rich said:More Worlds thinnest books
Where I went wrong by George Bush
QUOTE]
Surely according to you this would be a very thick book
Does your hatred blind you to the obvious and logical
Brian
R
Rich
Guest
Brianwarnock said:No of course not since he would be writing the book himself. Get it?Rich said:More Worlds thinnest books
Where I went wrong by George Bush
QUOTE]
Surely according to you this would be a very thick book
Does your hatred blind you to the obvious and logical
Brian
I don't hate anybody Brian, please don't label me with that trait
david.brent
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I met a girl in the pub this weekend. She was quite attractive, witty and intellegent. She was rather keen and wouldn't let me out of her sight. Eventually I had to go to the toilet and she followed me in. I was just unzipping my trousers and she said, "Let me help you with that". After I was finished, she gave it a shake and popped it back in. I said, "Wow, you certainly handled that pretty well". She said, "I know, I used to have one of those!".
R
Rich
Guest
Now I have to say that some of the most intelligent, diligent, comprehensive, adept, intellectual, attractive, curvaceous, vivacious posters here are the female members from across the pond.Uncle Gizmo said:
It's a shame that some of their male counterparts don't have the same virtues.
Any way it was a corny cracker joke to start with and not in the same league Andy's usual Blonde eclat
KenHigg
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Rich said:Now I have to say that some of the most intelligent, diligent, comprehensive, adept, intellectual, attractive, curvaceous, vivacious posters here are the female members from across the pond.
It's a shame that some of their male counterparts don't have the same virtues.
...
When we run across a male poster that we think you'll find attractive and curvaceous, we'll point him out for you and the two of you can go and do your thing...
R
Rich
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He won't be Texan, that's for sure
TessB
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Thanks, Rich.
So, it's an accent thing. You apparently pronounce khaki differently as WELL as car. However, the U.S. has a myriad of accents here. Maybe folks in New York would have a better chance of getting that one.
So, it's an accent thing. You apparently pronounce khaki differently as WELL as car. However, the U.S. has a myriad of accents here. Maybe folks in New York would have a better chance of getting that one.
andy_dyer
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Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
andy_dyer
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Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her car indicator is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Betta watch my ass as Hayley still inspects this thread!!
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her car indicator is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Betta watch my ass as Hayley still inspects this thread!!
Hayley Baxter
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Here we go again
I don't think these have been posted before.....I'm afraid I don't have time to look through all the pages in this thread!!
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding! , he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and then storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband asks, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six", inspite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
*****************************************
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AMfor an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
I don't think these have been posted before.....I'm afraid I don't have time to look through all the pages in this thread!!
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding! , he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and then storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband asks, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six", inspite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
*****************************************
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AMfor an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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Uncle Gizmo said:
Opp's
I can now see that I was wrong, very wrong, as wrong as only a man can be. Please accept my apologies, it did not even occur to me that the word "khaki" could be pronounced differently and completely lose its meaning Within the context of the joke. I presume it's because you are more likely to call a "car" an automobile or auto.
Anyway, it's my turn, I had a senior moment! Wish I was blonde.
Brianwarnock
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Glad you put your foot in it Gizmo it provoked Hayley into a response and enabled me to send some good jokes to my daughters , they loved 'em.
Brian
PS Wish I had hair
Brian
PS Wish I had hair
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Usb
Whilst we're on the subject of blondes, my sister is blond and last Christmas, she was trying to set up a microscope which had a camera for viewing samples on a monitor. This is the Skype text transcript.....
2004-12-25
JanJan: 17:05:56 Hello
UncleGiz: 17:18:30 Hello Merry Chrismas !!!
JanJan: 17:19:39 Merry Christmas to you all. Thank you for all the lovely presents.
2004-12-27
JanJan: 18:25:25 Hello Gizmo
JanJan: 18:26:15 What does Biolux NG do?
JanJan: 18:26:33 I am opening the box now
GuncleGiz: 18:34:58 what?
JanJan: 18:35:35 I am reading the instructions for the microscope.
GuncleGiz: 18:36:21 OH! just look in the eye piece, Even you should be able to do that!
GuncleGiz: 18:36:42 mind the black shoe polish i put on there!
JanJan: 18:37:32 So whats the computer bit for then
GuncleGiz: 18:37:44 I was jokeing!!!!
JanJan: 18:38:23 Oh - See I don't know what I'm doing
JanJan: 18:38:42 Have you got one?
GuncleGiz: 18:40:03 Yes! and a microscope
GuncleGiz: 18:40:12 I need one!
GuncleGiz: 18:40:17 beat ya!!!
JanJan: 18:40:48 For reading or looking at your d---
GuncleGiz: 18:40:58 Hehehehe
GuncleGiz: 18:41:09 have you worked it out yet?
GuncleGiz: 18:41:30 thiers a software disk
JanJan: 18:41:37 No. Its hard reading all these instructions
GuncleGiz: 18:41:37 load the software
JanJan: 18:41:46 OK
GuncleGiz: 18:42:04 plug in the camra to a USB it should work
JanJan: 18:42:55 What is a USB
GuncleGiz: 18:43:30 Unusually Stupid Blond
JanJan: 18:45:11 Ha HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
JanJan: 18:46:08 I put the disc in. It says not to run anything else at same time so I am going to switch you off.
JanJan: 18:46:16 Bye. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
LOL............Brianwarnock said:PS Wish I had hair
Whilst we're on the subject of blondes, my sister is blond and last Christmas, she was trying to set up a microscope which had a camera for viewing samples on a monitor. This is the Skype text transcript.....
2004-12-25
JanJan: 17:05:56 Hello
UncleGiz: 17:18:30 Hello Merry Chrismas !!!
JanJan: 17:19:39 Merry Christmas to you all. Thank you for all the lovely presents.
2004-12-27
JanJan: 18:25:25 Hello Gizmo
JanJan: 18:26:15 What does Biolux NG do?
JanJan: 18:26:33 I am opening the box now
GuncleGiz: 18:34:58 what?
JanJan: 18:35:35 I am reading the instructions for the microscope.
GuncleGiz: 18:36:21 OH! just look in the eye piece, Even you should be able to do that!
GuncleGiz: 18:36:42 mind the black shoe polish i put on there!
JanJan: 18:37:32 So whats the computer bit for then
GuncleGiz: 18:37:44 I was jokeing!!!!
JanJan: 18:38:23 Oh - See I don't know what I'm doing
JanJan: 18:38:42 Have you got one?
GuncleGiz: 18:40:03 Yes! and a microscope
GuncleGiz: 18:40:12 I need one!
GuncleGiz: 18:40:17 beat ya!!!
JanJan: 18:40:48 For reading or looking at your d---
GuncleGiz: 18:40:58 Hehehehe
GuncleGiz: 18:41:09 have you worked it out yet?
GuncleGiz: 18:41:30 thiers a software disk
JanJan: 18:41:37 No. Its hard reading all these instructions
GuncleGiz: 18:41:37 load the software
JanJan: 18:41:46 OK
GuncleGiz: 18:42:04 plug in the camra to a USB it should work
JanJan: 18:42:55 What is a USB
GuncleGiz: 18:43:30 Unusually Stupid Blond
JanJan: 18:45:11 Ha HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
JanJan: 18:46:08 I put the disc in. It says not to run anything else at same time so I am going to switch you off.
JanJan: 18:46:16 Bye. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
