What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[GSM]

Just the two as it's Friday afternoon........

A mother and her son were flying Are Lingus from Dublin to Heathrow.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Are Lingus always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you"

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Top Ten Points to Ponder


Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
Die.

Number 8 (For girls only) - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If
You see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
Person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky ..... Not really good for
Anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down
The stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
Hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
Attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds but
A substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
World is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
Millions and millions of cows in the country but we haven't got a clue as
To where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe
We should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

[FoFa]

Government by the Idiots
Newspaper columnist Molly Ivins reported that a state senator bragged, "If you took all the fools out of the legislature, it wouldn't be a representative body anymore."

 

[Hayley Baxter]

The Womens Guiness Book of World Records

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract,and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 People, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers,48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

Hay

 

[sharps]

Just spent countless hours wading through this thread ... probably could've used my time more productively, but what the heck, it was more entertaining than work!!

I need some decent gags for a best man's speech and don't want the usual rubbish like "This isn't the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand", so if anyone knows any suitable gags, stop working and get posting!


Anyway, a bloke goes to the zoo and the only animal there is a dog.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It was a Shitzu

 

[bradwould]

The Muffin Joke...My Favorite

Two muffins were baking in the oven.

One muffin said to the other, "Man it's getting hot in here"

The other muffin replied, "Holy crap!! A talking muffin"

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

 

[Newman]

For Hay's Womens Guiness Book of World Records

Phone talk

Anne Tremblay from Quebec city and her sister Marie From Montreal once spoke together on the phone for 9 hours and 43 minutes on June first 1999.

No other women ever did it in less than that.

 

[Andromeda]

Lol.. these are good stuff.... thanks for sharing all of them.. I'll check some of the best jokes I have an post 'em later

 

[Bodisathva]

Pearly Gates

Al Gore, Bill, and Hillary die in a freak accident and go to Heaven, where we find them standing before the Allmighty, waiting to be judged.

God asks Al, "What do you believe in?"
Al answers, "I believe that even though I won that election, it was your will that I would not serve the people and therefore I have come to terms with it"
God replies, "Very well, enter and take a seat."

God asks Bill, "What do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. Even though I have been criticized unjustly, I did not hold it against my fellow man."
God replies, "Very well, enter and take a seat."

God asks Hillary, "What do you believe in?"
Hillary replies, "I believe you're in MY seat"

 

[TessB]

Pennsylvania...... hmmmm.... is that anywhere near Northern Virginia?

 

[Bodisathva]

Pennsylvania...... hmmmm.... is that anywhere near Northern Virginia?

depends upon your point of view...the Mason-Dixon Line is still a valid concept in this neck of the woods

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This redneck was speeding on a road. A cop flagged him down.

Cop : "you have any id?"
Redneck : "About what?"

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Anyway, a bloke goes to the zoo and the only animal there is a dog.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It was a Shitzu

Na.. more like a shit joke.

 

[Rusty]

Important message from IT Support Services

As part of the on-going cost reduction exercise within the company and
in an effort to reduce expenditure and finally solve the problems with
remote access and the ability of IT Support Staff to support our
computer network, the goal is to remove all laptop computer access by
January 2006 and all desktop computer access by March 2006.

Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

No sign-in problems
No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
No more time wasters looking for things to buy on e-Bay.
No more worries about power cuts.
Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled


FAQs from the STK Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

 

[GaryPanic]

another one

Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within
>a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
>
>Upon examination the zoo vet determined the problem was the gorilla was on
>heat. To make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species
>available.
>
>While reflecting on the problem, the zoo management noticed Gareth, a big
>Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery.
>
>Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense but seemed to possess the
>ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the zoo administrator
>thought they might have a solution. Gareth was approached with a
>proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £3,500?
>
>Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think about it.
>
>The following day, Gareth announced he would accept the offer but only
>under
>3 conditions: "First" he said "i don't want to have to kiss the gorilla.
>Secondly, you must never tell anyone of this"
>
>The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these terms, and then said what
>about the 3rd condition???
>
>"Well" Gareth said... "you gotta give me another week to come up with the
>£3,500".
>

 

[Groundrush]

Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year

old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value

you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will

not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my

18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed

I shall be back home before midnight. When he came home, he found

the following letter on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to

take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I

will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your

secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with

your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in

the same situation, although with one small difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow...

 

[Jacob Mathai]

jonah

In an airplane a man was sitting next to a woman reading her Bible.
The man started a conversation.
Man : “Do you believe in the Bible?”
Woman : “Yes, I do.”
Man : “Do you believe the story of the man swallowed by a whale and later he was deposited on land to continue his journey.”
Woman : “Yes, I do.”
Man : “How can that be true?”
Woman : “I do not fully understand it now. I will ask him when I get to heaven.”
Man : “What if he is not in heaven?”
Woman : “Then you could ask him.”

 

[Matt Greatorex]

A plane carrying a load of professional models crashes on a deserted island, and the only three survivors are two men and a woman. Since they're all young, fit and attractive, a menage-a-trois soon blossoms.

Some time later, they're hunting for food when the woman falls over a cliff and is killed. The men are miserable for a couple of days, then one has an idea.

"Look," he says, "there's nobody else around. Whatever our feelings were before we came here are irrelevant. We've both got needs, so what do say we.. you know...?"

The second guy agrees and things go well for both of them for a week or so.

One night they're sitting at their camp fire when the second guy pipes up, "Look, I've got to be honest, I'm not really comfortable with things as they are. However physically enjoyable it is, it still feels wrong."

The other guy responds, " I know what you mean. I'm enjoying it, too, but I guess there are some taboos you're just taught about and they stick with you."

They agree to do the decent thing so, the next day, they bury her.

 

[mitchem1]

Did you hear about the gal who got a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh? If you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean.

 

[Matt Greatorex]

A guy gets on board a plane and finds he's sitting next to a parrot. THe bird greets him, he responds, and they sit back during take off.

As soon as the flight's underway, the parrot starts screaming 'I want a f*cking drink, I want a f*cking drink'. One of the flight crew comes running straight over. After ordering a whisky and telling the crew member to 'be f*cking quick about, you lazy cow', the parrot sits back and insults other passengers, until his drink arrives.

As soon as it does, he necks it in one, demands another, and continues to insult people. The guy politely asks if he could have a drink, only to be ignored by the flustered server.

Three times this happens, three tiems the guy is ignored while the parrot is served. Finally, the guy snaps and decides to try a different approach. The next time the parrot gets served, he shouts 'And where's mine, eh? You stupid b*stard?'. The crew memeber glares at him, walks away, and returns a minute later with the captain and two burly passengers.

"I hear you two have been abusing my crew?", demands the captain.
Before the guy can say anything, the parrot comes out with, "Yeah? And what are you going to f*cking do about it, pal?"

A minute later, the pair are plummeting toward the earth, having been ejected forcibly from the aircraft. As they fall, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, mate, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy b*stard".