What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

[Rich]

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the
Middle East, and he was only here a few months when
he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor,
but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take
dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de,
bocket pee on de poop, and den put your head down
over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten
minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room,
pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over
and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I
feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."

hillarious

 

[fuzzygeek]

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:



1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

(OK RICH...American English)

 

[fuzzygeek]

A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

[fuzzygeek]

New Office Slang

New Office Slang

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found,"
which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking John. He's 404."

Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek."

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!" (Synonym: "Head Crash")

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. "After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him."

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?"
Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. "I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "First we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM."

Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!"

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. "Damn, I've been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year"

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?"

Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour."

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It's a Feature - From the old adage, "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

Mouse Potato - The online generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you've just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot - To quit unexpectedly. "My cellular phone just perot'ed."

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't require training. "That new guy is totally plug-and-play."

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.

Ribs 'N' Dick - A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. "God, today was a total salmon day!"

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also "Hollywired"

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. "Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage"

Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. "There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, "this is Dale, my...um...friend."

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

 

[fuzzygeek]

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith.
He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil!

"This here is Floyd. Did the sheriff come?" "Yeah."

"Did they split yer farwood?" "Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Who! says rednecks aren't real bright?!)

 

[selenau837]

My salary!!!!!!

 

[Rusty]

They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank goodness for church ladies
with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:

* * * * * * * * *

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* * * * * * * * * * *

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* * * * * * * * * *

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

* * * * * * * * * *

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

* * * * * * * * * *

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

* * * * * * * * * *

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

* * * * * * * * * *

Don't let worry kill you off ..... .let the Church help.

* * * * * * * * * *

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* * * * * * * * * *

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

* * * * * * * * * *

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

* * * * * * * * * *

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping. She has requested
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

* * * * * * * * * *

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church and so ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* * * * * * * * * *

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

* * * * * * * * *

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* * * * * * * * * *

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* * * * * * * * * *

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to help cripple children.

* * * * * * * * * *

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

* * * * * * * * * *

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

* * * * * * * * * *

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

* * * * * * * * * *

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* * * * * * * * * *

The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* * * * * * * * * *

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* * * * * * * * * *

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

* * * * * * * * * *

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* * * * * * * * * *

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

* * * * * * * * * *

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

* ** * * * * * * *

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

[Kraj]

I was forwarded this one at work and hadn't heard it before:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to???"

 

[radar2000]

** Caution **

A lady walks into a pub and has a seat at the bar. She orders a drink to unwind after a long day. As she's having her drink, she notices this man walk in carrying a frog. The man sits down and places the frog onto of the bar.

The women in disgust, says to the man, "What is that?!"
The man replies, "Well lady, it's a frog."
The lady replies, "What's a frog doing in a bar?"
The man replies, "Well lady, this is no ordinary frog."
She replies, "Well, what does he do?"
Man replies, "Well...he licks p*ssy."
The lady in absolute shock says, "That's disgusting!" and moves a few seats away from the man and frog.

A couple of hours later and a few more drinks, the lady starts feeling frisky and says to herself, "licks p*ssy eh? Well it can be all that bad...I wonder..." She approaches the man with the frog and says, "OK, you've peaked my curiosity. I want to have your frog lick my p*ssy."

They go back to the mans apartment and the man tells the woman to lay down on his bed. He places the frog between her legs, looks at the frog and says, "OK frog, lick p*ssy." Ribit...The frog just sits there and does nothing. The man once again says, "I said lick p*ssy." Ribit...The frog sits there and does nothing. The man at this time is furious, as he repeats "Lick p*ssy! Lick p*ssy!!!" Ribit...the frog just sits there. The woman at this point wonders if the frog will ever get the job done. The man who now is clearly embarrassed, picks up the frog, looks him straight in the face and says..."OK Frog. This is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this."

 

[lmnop7854]

IMHO, I think we can do without incredibly vulgar jokes on this thread. I have seen plenty of funny jokes that didn't need to include asterisks to spell the words.

Lisa

 

[Rich]

How do you get a nun pregnant ?
Dress her up as an alter boy

 

[KenHigg]

IMHO, I think we can do without incredibly vulgar jokes on this thread. I have seen plenty of funny jokes that didn't need to include asterisks to spell the words.

Lisa

Maybe create a x rated thread for those types...

 

[Kraj]

It is not uncommon to see this word within this community AND without the asteric![/URL]

Well I wouldn't say five posts in all of the forums constitutes "uncommon", especially when all but one occurred in a thread called "Insults". I don't think you were out of line, but if someone expresses offense I don't see any reason why a joke thread can't be kept reasonably clean.

 

[KenHigg]

I'm not trying to kick up a stink or anything, if you find that kind of joke funny, more power to you. The 'Offensive' card is way overdone anyway... If a person simply had rather not read such jokes, stay the heck away - As I sometimes do...

Still, does that mean a person should not bring up the fact that they found a particular comment a bit vulgar?

Maybe we should do a thread and get opinions on just where this 'Offensive' thing plays into the legal arena...

 

[lmnop7854]

BTW,
I am quite proud of the joke because I made it up myself!

You know, I wasn't THAT offended by it - I just hate that C word. It was probably more that I really didn't think it was all that funny - no offense, Uncle Gizmo!!

However, much the hoopla has been made over my comment. I feel so flattered.....

Lisa

 

[ShaneMan]

BTW,
I am quite proud of the joke because I made it up myself!

Here in the USA, I have heard a version of that joke since the early 70's, except it wasn't really a joke. It was a one line come back to someone calling you the "P" word or the "C" word, the come back was "you are what you eat," so you might have made it up yourself cause you never heard of it but I wouldn't say that it was original.

Shane

 

[Rich]

BTW,
I am quite proud of the joke because I made it up myself! It still does not alter the fact that it be may well be offensive to some people, and if that is the case, I will remove it.
.

I find the term George Bush the most offensive term I've ever heard, thus you can wait 'till he's removed before removing a word that's part of every day conversation in some cultures

 

[Rich]

Here in the USA, I have heard a version of that joke since the early 70's, except it wasn't really a joke. It was a one line come back to someone calling you the "P" word or the "C" word, the come back was "you are what you eat," so you might have made it up yourself cause you never heard of it but I wouldn't say that it was original.

Shane

You mean this an American maxim and we're being castigated for it, from a country that uses the term fanny in its everyday language, kettle, black pot, me thinks

 

[KenHigg]

You mean this an American maxim and we're being castigated for it, from a country that uses the term fanny in its everyday language, kettle, black pot, me thinks

'castigated'... Good word.

 

[Rich]

'castigated'... Good word.

All my words are good Ken