On a more positive note...

[Rich]

.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

.

What a strange place to keep books, don't you have public libraries?

 

[Rich]

.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

.

don't you have funerals during the holidays?

 

[Rich]

.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

.

How odd, you can take charge of a killing machine at sixteen but not take a pint of beer

 

[ColinEssex]

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

Who licks flagpoles?. . . .is that an American tradition to honour the flag? . . . thats sick

May you get a compound leg fracture when skiing, shoot your foot instead of a defenseless animal, trap your finger in a car door

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along

no way Jose - not when I've been working on getting this date for weeks, I'm not having a little shit like you spoiling it

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hanukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

A plaster mould???? she wanted a new Hoover anyway, not some smelly plaster cast from when you broke your hand on the stupid slingshot Dad made, that broke first time used causing a hairline colles fracture

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

So this is the second attempt at screwing up some kids lives - bet the parents love that

Col


Col

 

[ColinEssex]

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.

It tastes better after the first 4 or 5

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

You moved us all here at the bottom of this 1 in 4 incline with the soddin' school at the top.
We've been flooded every year, and to get to school I have to walk through what can only resemble Beruit on a bad day.
Thanks for nothing - and you say "I hope you can do it safely"????? Now we can't sell the bloody house and move cos of the floods and people don't like the barbed wire for protection.
When you buy me that car I'm outta here - you can do what you like.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away

Mommy you do realise that the driver won't come this far cos of the floods at the bottom of this stupid hill when it rains and buses don't run in this area after 5pm, its too dangerous

Col

 

[ColinEssex]

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes

Grandad - can I point out that I'm a boy and I'm not wearing my sisters dress for anybody - stuff it

and homemade ice cream

maybe some real cream might make it taste less like shite

and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

ok Grandma, you eat the 4 day old meat loaf sandwich - its now meat loaf and salmonella - I'm off to McDonalds, there's slightly less salmonella there. BTW I hate meat loaf, I don't know why you make the bloody things, nobody likes them thats why they're always left over.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Suit yourself Grandad - I won $5million on the lottery, trust me, I do appreciate life. (and I'm not buying my $1million house at the bottom of a poxy hill)

Col

 

[Rich]

I'm off to McDonalds, there's slightly less salmonella there. Col

Make sure to take Grandma along, pull the car away with a jerk so she upsets coffee in her lap, you'll then get to inherit several million bucks and can then tell her to stuff her stale homemade leftovers

 

[ColinEssex]

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. . . . . . .but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

Lets see now, he's 16 and she's 18. He seems to get "scared" an awful lot
as Rich says its incestuous, I'm surprised you support such things Ken or is that normal behaviour in the USA.

Col

 

[ColinEssex]

Here's an extract from another sickly monologue - anyone remember "A Deck of Cards"?? It has to be the sickest record to grace the UK charts.

"You see, sir, when I look at the Ace, it reminds me that there is but one God.
And the deuce reminds me that the bible is divided into two parts: the Old and the New Testaments.
When I see the trey, I think of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
And when I see the four, I think of the four evangelists who preached the Gospel: there was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
And when I see the five, it reminds me of the five wise virgins who trimmed their lamps; there were ten of them: five were wise and were saved, five were foolish and were shut out.
When I see the six, it reminds me that in six days God made this heaven and earth.
And when I see the seven, it reminds me that on the seventh day, God rested from his great work.
And when I see the eight, I think of the eight righteous persons that God saved when he destroyed the earth: there was Noah, his wife, their sons and their wives.
And when I see the nine, I think of the lepers our saviour cleansed, and that nine of the ten didn't even thank him.
When I see the ten, I think of the ten commandments that God handed down to Moses on a tablet of stone.
When I see the King, it reminds me that there is but one King of Heaven, God Almighty.
And when I see the Queen, I think of the blessed Virgin Mary who is the Queen of Heaven.
And the Jack or Knave is the Devil.


When I count the number of spots in a deck of cards, I find 365, the number of days in a year.
There are 52 cards, the number of weeks in a year.
There are four suits, the number of weeks in a month.
There are twelve picture cards, the number of months in a year.
There are thirteen tricks, the number of weeks in a quarter.


So you see, Sir, my deck of cards serves me as a bible, an almanac and a prayer book."

now, where's that waste paper basket I threw up in earlier. . . . . . .

ok, who's first to tear this apart???

Col

 

[ColinEssex]

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa

only if I'm a beneficiary in the will, or Mommy and Daddy pay me to do it - this is America after all, its money money money first, every time I'm not sitting voluntarily with smelly old people who fart all the time and jibber incoherently and dribble alot - pay me and I'll suffer it

and go fishing with your Uncle

no way. . . . . . . he's a perv and a psycho I'm not being left alone with him - anyway I hate fishing, its cruel

Col

 

[Rich]

You see, sir, when I look at the Ace, it reminds me that there is but one God.

Col

Muslim ??

 

[ColinEssex]

Muslim ??

I think this was written in the USA when there was only one god. Sadly it doesn't take into account differing beliefs.
Its the "if its christian then it must be right sod everyone else" attitude.

Col

 

[Rich]

I think this was written in the USA when there was only one god. Col

I think he's also known as Bush, isn't he?

 

[KenHigg]

You two guys are just being down right ugly this morning.

 

[Rich]

You two guys are just being down right ugly this morning.

 

[ColinEssex]

You two guys are just being down right ugly this morning.

 

[Rich]

got up on the wrong side, not enough coffee yet?

 

[KenHigg]

I see no reason why you couldn't have embraced at least one line or passage and responded with a positive comment instead of doing a line by line bully hack unless your intent is to just be mean to me...

 

[ColinEssex]

I see no reason why you couldn't have embraced at least one line or passage and responded with a positive comment instead of doing a line by line bully hack unless your intent is to just be mean to me...

Ahhh Ken. . . . . .you're upset

Look, if it helps you - I deliberately left the line alone about having the dog put to sleep. I've done that and its horrible - one of my worst experiences ever, he was a constant loyal friend and companion for 15 years, I met him when he was a week old and at the end I stayed with him till he stopped breathing


Col

 

[KenHigg]

Thank you.

I always knew you are really just an old softie at heart

(Did your drain thing-a-ma-bob work in yesterdays rainstorm?)