What's your best/worst joke? (21 Viewers)

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Lot's O'Snow

I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in northern Newfoundland.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been falling and
is nearly waist high. The temperature is dropping way below zero and
the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: In the Old Days

My daughter was six and excited about learning all the wonderful
things about the world that first-graders learn. She turned to me one
day and asked, "Mom, back in the old days when you were a kid, had
they learned how to make the wheel yet?"

I replied, "No, Sweetie, back then we were just grateful to have fire."

 

[MSAccessRookie]

George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 "thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a very strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last even 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the America Dachshund at full speed. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened his mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest and meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."

 

[Rx_]

Famous Quotes that I enjoy:

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
- David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire, God dammit: I'm a billionaire.
- Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
- Italian proverb

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
- Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer - kill a million and you're a conqueror.
- Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have $50 million, but I'm just as happy as when I had $48 million.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
- W.H. Auden

 

[Dick7Access]

IN GOD WE TRUST !!!
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all
corners of the earth".

Then he made the earth round... and he laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

[Dick7Access]

[FONT=&quot]Texting codes for Senior Citizens:[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]* ATD- At the Doctor's
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* CBM- Covered by Medicare
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* LOL- Living on Lipitor
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* TOT- Texting on Toilet
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I[/FONT][FONT=&quot]n!)[/FONT]

 

[Dick7Access]

Little Johnny Strikes Again...


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chest is so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[Isskint]

How do you confuse an idiot?

Put 5 shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick.


......



......


How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll get back to you on that later.....

 

[Dick7Access]

How do you confuse an idiot?

Put 5 shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick....
.....


How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll get back to you on that later.....

I use to work for that guy!!

 

[utrulez]

The “Fiscal Cliff” put into perspective. First we look at how the government is run, and then we compare that (by removing 8 zeroes) to what a household Budget would look like if it were run like the government is run.

Lesson # 1:

(How the government is run)

[B][FONT=Courier New]U.S. Tax Revenue:                  $2,170,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Federal Budget:                    $3,820,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]New Debt:                          $1,650,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]National Debt:                     $14,271,000,000,000[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Recent Budget Cuts:                $38,500,000,000[/FONT][/B]

(If a Household Budget were run like the government is run)

[B][FONT=Courier New]Annual family income:              $21,700[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Money the family spent:            $38,200[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]New Credit Card debt:              $16,500[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Outstanding Credit Card Balance:   $142,710[/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Recent Budget Cuts:                $385[/FONT][/B]

Got it yet?

Lesson # 2

A simple way to understand the Debt Ceiling:

Let’s say you come home from work and find that there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood, and your is now filled with sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do to solve the problem, raise the ceiling or remove the ****?

lol... made my laugh so hard!

 

[Dick7Access]

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and
unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body
rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in
the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I
prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your
prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

 

[ColinEssex]

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and
unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body
rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in
the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I
prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your
prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

I don't get it. If the letter never arrived how did he know there was a letter?

Col

 

[Vassago]

I don't get it. If the letter never arrived how did he know there was a letter?

Col

The same way he wrote the P.S....

 

[Dick7Access]

I don't get it. If the letter never arrived how did he know there was a letter?

Col

I am not biting Col, good try!

 

[ColinEssex]

The same way he wrote the P.S....

Well I'm guessing he got the letter off the postman and quickly wrote the PS. But then to cap it all, the letter got lost in the US postal system anyway, so it didn't arrive.

I still can't see what the joke is though. Mind you, it is one of Dick's posts so could be a bit scrambled.

Col

 

[Dick7Access]

Well I'm guessing he got the letter off the postman and quickly wrote the PS. But then to cap it all, the letter got lost in the US postal system anyway, so it didn't arrive.

I still can't see what the joke is though. Mind you, it is one of Dick's posts so could be a bit scrambled.

Col

that reminds me of the young guy who go married and went on his honeymoon after two weeks he sent a telegraph to his Dad tht said its wonderful here, please send $200.00. His father send a gram back saying its wonderful every where, come on home.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Lost Luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet?"

 

[Knildon]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 30 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: New Teacher

A young lady graduated from college and started teaching at an area
school. One day she went with a friend to a nearby restaurant for lunch.

A man seated next to her asks, "Are you a teacher?"

Surprised but happy, she replied, "Why, yes, I certainly am!"

She enjoyed a warm feeling throughout the meal ... she looked like a
teacher, and this made her feel great.

As she was leaving the restaurant, she asked the man, "How did you
know I was a teacher?"

"You have chalk dust on your rear", he replied.