What's your best/worst joke? (52 Viewers)

[CJ_London]

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

 

[CJ_London]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Gotta love golf jokes!

 

[jleach]

That was a good one.

 

[CJ_London]

 

[Rx_]

The Rogozen Treasure, called the find of the century, is a Thracian treasure. It was discovered by chance in July 1985 by a tractor driver digging a well in his garden in the Bulgarian village of Rogozen.

It consists of 165 receptacles, including 108 phiales, 55 jugs and 3 goblets. The objects are silver with golden gilt on some of them with total weight of more than 20 kg. The treasure is an invaluable source of information for the life of the Thracians, due to the variety of motifs in the richly decorated objects. It is dated back to the 5th–4th centuries B.C.
Click on image to see:

 

[Rx_]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Re: Christmas Safety advice for drivers.

Actually, that wouldn't be so bad. My wife drives quite well. It's the bachelors out there who bother me, and it has nothing to do with the holidays. In south Louisiana, "Cajun style" drivers are the problem and my wife knows how to defend against them. After all, she IS a Cajun.

 

[Vassago]

Re: Christmas Safety advice for drivers.

Should this be under the Best/Worst joke thread?

If you think they drive bad in New Orleans, you should see the driving in Boston. I only had the honor of being there for a few days for an event, but I have never seen such awful drivers.

And in Florida, people completely forget how to drive in the rain. It rains almost daily.

 

[Vassago]

I was just teasing. You didn't need to move it.

Hope you had a wonderful holiday.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I once saw a survey of the worst USA drivers. Boston, New York City, Washington, Chicago, and New Orleans were in the top 10. I am pretty sure Los Angeles was also in the running and Miami was in the mix. Don't remember the others. Wish that WAS a joke - but sadly it is not.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Looks like this page is leading up to driving jokes? Dang, I skipped from page 9 to here (195) and will have to paste my notepad text anyway. Hope this isn't somewhere between 10 and here and is in keeping with the original intent:

A psychiatrist out riding on a horse comes across a local man.
"You live around here?"
"Yup" says the local. "Been farming here for nigh on 40 years. What about you?"
"I'm from the city. I work there as a psychiatrist."
They continued to make small talk when suddenly the horse made a sound like a chicken.
"Hey!" says the local. "Your horse just cackled like a chicken!"
"I know. She thinks she's a hen." says the psychiatrist.
"Well you're a psychiatrist. Why don't you straighten her out?"




"I would" says the doc "but I need the eggs."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Oldie but goodie, Micron.

 

[Rx_]

Gracefully backing out of a quick statement:
This is only an example - please substitute your own country, city or region with its associated relationship.

A clerk in New York works at a corner grocery. A lady comes in with a Canadian accent. She tells him she doesn't want to pay for a whole head of lettuce - eh?
She asks the clerk to chop it in half so she can pay for half.
The clerk remarks "what am I going to do with a half-head of lettuce"?
And now the arguments, excuses and reasons banter back and forth.
Finally, the clerk realizes he just wants to get the lady out of there and get back to his task. He is afraid of what he might say next, he is so worked up.
So, he cuts it in half, charges her half. She leaves.

Wound up, the clerk goes back to the open office door to get a glass of water where the owner is working on the books.
The owner looks up and says, I could hear the raised voices back here what was up. The clerk describes the Canadian lady's request, how she just kept badgering and the results. He tells the owner I just was short of telling her what I think about Canadians.
The sympathetic owner owner still working says, Yeah, there are only two groups of people in Canada, those on a hockey team and prostitutes.
The clerk is takes a gasp. My wife of 20 years, the one I bring to your house for New Years the last 15 years is Canadian.
The owner doesn't look up - Wow that is fantastic! What team did she play for?

 

[AccessBlaster]

This picture of this young boy has gone viral and is making everybody laugh.

 

[CJ_London]

lip reading State of the Union Address 2019

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=066WAeG5muE&feature=youtu.be

 

[CJ_London]

 

[AccessBlaster]

A trip down memory lane, turn up your speakers!

https://www.facebook.com/9gag/videos/10155340158596840/

 

[CJ_London]

A Mother visits her son for dinner, who lives with a female roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mothers thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." so he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the silver plate.... But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your Son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Good one, CJ!