What's your best/worst joke?
- Thread starter Fornatian
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Clueless Newbie
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Webmaster at marc-gerhardt.de 
Last edited:
Fizzio
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Not only will he get a few more reasons, but also a bunchload of spam if you keep that e-mail address on the forum.
Maybe you want him to get those 'special e-mails' though eg mAkE y0urS 4 InCHeS LOnGeR! but I think not
Maybe you want him to get those 'special e-mails' though eg mAkE y0urS 4 InCHeS LOnGeR! but I think not
R
Rich
Guest
Fizzio said:Maybe you want him to get those 'special e-mails' though eg mAkE y0urS 4 InCHeS LOnGeR! but I think not
I've never had one of those. How come you get so many?
Clueless Newbie
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Not to worry, that one is re-routed to a gmx account that he checks maybe once in six weeks. His "normal" adress is another one. 
But I guess I should edit it anyway.
But I guess I should edit it anyway.
Clueless Newbie
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Rich said:I've never had one of those. How come you get so many?
Hmmm... This leaves a lot of room for speculation.
Especially since I'm usually bombarded with those mails too. 
R
Rich
Guest
Fizzio said:
Not on my part, but then the sender would probably already know there's no room for improvement here
Clueless Newbie
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Ahm... yeah. But what's most admirable about you is your modesty.
R
Rich
Guest
I know,I knowClueless Newbie said:Ahm... yeah. But what's most admirable about you is your modesty.
R
Rich
Guest
Peters>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>peckers, does that give you a clue?
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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Keeping Secrets
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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Might as well offend everyone!
Island Living...
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry,
and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they
are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat,
how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than
they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her
problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call
911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the
middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go
shopping.
Island Living...
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry,
and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they
are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat,
how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than
they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her
problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call
911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the
middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go
shopping.
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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- 988
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?".....
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?".....
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees." The
cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm
very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads 'no'.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to
which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've
been eating managers and no one noticed anything! But Nooooooo, you had to
go and eat someone important!"
our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees." The
cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm
very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads 'no'.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to
which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've
been eating managers and no one noticed anything! But Nooooooo, you had to
go and eat someone important!"
One of the few jokes I know that most people seem to not have heard before...
An attorney (or barrister, for the Brits!) and a Catholic priest went golfing together. The priest tees off, followed by the attorney who lands his first drive right into a sandtrap. "Goddamnit I missed!" the high-strung man blurts. "You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain," the priest says. "God may strike you down with lightning." The attorney shrugs the comment off and they continue.
On the 9th hole, the lawyer pops an easy shot right into the drink. "Goddamnit I missed!" he shouts again. "You shouldn't say that," the priest warns again. "God will strike you down with lightning." Again the man pays no attention.
On the 18th hole the attorney is poised to win if he sinks his short put. But he badly misreads the green and the ball curves to the side. "Goddamnit I missed!" he exclaims again. "Now you've done it," says the priest. "God's going to strike you down with lightning."
Just then, the wind kicks up violently and dark clouds quickly begin to gather. Suddenly the sky begins to flash and a massive bolt of lightning fires down, striking the priest and killing him instantly. Then a huge voice booms out from the clouds, "Goddamnit I missed!"
An attorney (or barrister, for the Brits!) and a Catholic priest went golfing together. The priest tees off, followed by the attorney who lands his first drive right into a sandtrap. "Goddamnit I missed!" the high-strung man blurts. "You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain," the priest says. "God may strike you down with lightning." The attorney shrugs the comment off and they continue.
On the 9th hole, the lawyer pops an easy shot right into the drink. "Goddamnit I missed!" he shouts again. "You shouldn't say that," the priest warns again. "God will strike you down with lightning." Again the man pays no attention.
On the 18th hole the attorney is poised to win if he sinks his short put. But he badly misreads the green and the ball curves to the side. "Goddamnit I missed!" he exclaims again. "Now you've done it," says the priest. "God's going to strike you down with lightning."
Just then, the wind kicks up violently and dark clouds quickly begin to gather. Suddenly the sky begins to flash and a massive bolt of lightning fires down, striking the priest and killing him instantly. Then a huge voice booms out from the clouds, "Goddamnit I missed!"
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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Just Thinking
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant li ke making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant li ke making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
