What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)
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Idjit
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Oh, I support free speech and would never want a post removed or a person banned. Just wanted to point out that, well, it was just plain mean, lol.
When I started reading the details of who was on the island, the first comment I thought of was "Where is this place and how do I get there?"
When I started reading the details of who was on the island, the first comment I thought of was "Where is this place and how do I get there?"
andy_dyer
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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"
andy_dyer
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It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man says. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! "Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, the lucky bastard landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had
a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.' The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what sort of a day you were having when you died' the angel says.
The third man says, "Alright, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . ."
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man says. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! "Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, the lucky bastard landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had
a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.' The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what sort of a day you were having when you died' the angel says.
The third man says, "Alright, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . ."
Idjit
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A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says "Mate, do you realize you've got a steering wheel shoved down your pants?"
Pirate replies, "Aye - it's drivin' me nuts! Arrrr!"
Pirate replies, "Aye - it's drivin' me nuts! Arrrr!"
andy_dyer
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Women R Evil...
We are told that girls cost time and money therefore we can state that
GIRLS = TIME x MONEY
We are also told that time is money so
TIME = MONEY therefore
GIRLS = MONEY x MONEY or GIRLS = MONEY2
Similarly we are told that money is the root of all evil so this means
GIRLS = (√EVIL)2
Which simplifies to
GIRLS = EVIL
We are told that girls cost time and money therefore we can state that
GIRLS = TIME x MONEY
We are also told that time is money so
TIME = MONEY therefore
GIRLS = MONEY x MONEY or GIRLS = MONEY2
Similarly we are told that money is the root of all evil so this means
GIRLS = (√EVIL)2
Which simplifies to
GIRLS = EVIL
fmm
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A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember all those years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember all those years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
andy_dyer
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Marriage Contract For Women
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly
rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes, wheezing like an
old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is
what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being
repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more foreplay.
Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take
the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team
loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible
to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an
elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention often your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect
you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair
annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you
fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there,
grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if
any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them
around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my
body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause
your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt
and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will always love your
weekend beard...
Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if
men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined
me for other men".
Section 7.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote
control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a
fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical.
Section 7.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine
and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum
cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
signed ____________________________________ (female)
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly
rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes, wheezing like an
old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is
what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being
repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more foreplay.
Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take
the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team
loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible
to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an
elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention often your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect
you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair
annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you
fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there,
grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if
any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them
around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my
body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause
your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt
and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will always love your
weekend beard...
Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if
men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined
me for other men".
Section 7.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote
control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a
fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical.
Section 7.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine
and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum
cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
signed ____________________________________ (female)
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And after all of the "chicken crossing the road" stuff a few screens earlier, you STILL didn't get it right...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was too far to walk around it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was too far to walk around it.
Clueless Newbie
Immortal. So far.
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He asked: I really don't know why you're wearing a bra. You haven't got anything to put inside.
She answered: So? Your're wearing pants too, aren't you?
He asked: Shall we swap positions tonight?
She answered: Great idea! You put yourself behind the ironing board while I lie around on the sofa and keep farting.
He asked: Why don't you tell me when you've got an orgasm?
She answered: I'd love to, but you're never around when it happens
He asked: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She answered: Nobody knows; that has never happened so far.
He asked: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband spends all his nights?
She answered: A widow.
He asked: Why are married women heavier than unmarried women?
She answered: Unmarried women come home, check what's in the refridgerator and then go to bed. Married women come home, check what's in the bed and then go to the refridgerator.
She answered: So? Your're wearing pants too, aren't you?
He asked: Shall we swap positions tonight?
She answered: Great idea! You put yourself behind the ironing board while I lie around on the sofa and keep farting.
He asked: Why don't you tell me when you've got an orgasm?
She answered: I'd love to, but you're never around when it happens
He asked: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She answered: Nobody knows; that has never happened so far.
He asked: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband spends all his nights?
She answered: A widow.
He asked: Why are married women heavier than unmarried women?
She answered: Unmarried women come home, check what's in the refridgerator and then go to bed. Married women come home, check what's in the bed and then go to the refridgerator.
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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Self-Esteem
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that 'I' am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that 'I' am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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Two Bad Jokes
String
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve pieces of string in his bar. The piece of string leaves goes into the alley and begins to unwind and twist himself all over. He then goes back to the bartender who says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?"
The piece of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Pessimistic
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
String
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve pieces of string in his bar. The piece of string leaves goes into the alley and begins to unwind and twist himself all over. He then goes back to the bartender who says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?"
The piece of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Pessimistic
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
andy_dyer
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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
andy_dyer
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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees" said Tarzan
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees" said Tarzan
andy_dyer
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Gerard Houllier Liverpool manager sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the
pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place"
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the
pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place"
EmmaJane
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Are You Ready To Have Kids?
Test 1
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family Cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. . perfect!
Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path/driveway.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8
Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon and then make a small hole in the side.
2. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
3. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.
4. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
5. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4. Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5. Do NOT change. You have no time.
6. Go directly to work.
Test 15
Go for a drive, but first:
1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5. For the really adventurous, run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.
You are now ready to have kids
Test 1
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family Cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. . perfect!
Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path/driveway.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8
Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon and then make a small hole in the side.
2. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
3. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.
4. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
5. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4. Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5. Do NOT change. You have no time.
6. Go directly to work.
Test 15
Go for a drive, but first:
1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5. For the really adventurous, run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.
You are now ready to have kids
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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- Today, 13:55
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- Mar 28, 2003
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A Clever Woman
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife. So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my bank account and I wrote him a check."
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife. So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my bank account and I wrote him a check."
