What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Rich]

Scotty road, definitely a scouser.

Brian

Actually miss not seeing her on the box anymore

 

[Brianwarnock]

Actually miss not seeing her on the box anymore

Its her dulcet tones that I miss. I wonder how much her elecution lessons cost.

Brian

 

[Pauldohert]

Would someone from a few streets away from Ringo be a scouser then Brian?

No offense meant or taken.

 

[Brianwarnock]

Would someone from a few streets away from Ringo be a scouser then Brian?

No offense meant or taken.

I'm a Lancashire lad, it was my wife that lived a few streets from Ringo, which was the Princess Park area of what is now Toxteth rather than the Dingle, the educated (ie posh ) people of the area did not consider themselves as scousers, but Ringo ? probably.

I'm not clear where the definitive scouser area is to the South and East but to the North I don't think it went much past the end of Scotty road, but maybe somebody else knows better.

Brian

 

[Rich]

Would someone from a few streets away from Ringo be a scouser then Brian?

No offense meant or taken.

Please post questions on another thread and not this one!

 

[Brianwarnock]

Which part did our kid Ciller come from?

 

[Rich]

That was a valid question Brian

 

[Brianwarnock]

I think that you are correct in that this thread has been hijacked enough regarding scousers, just because our friends across the pond didn't know what they are.

Brian

 

[Rich]

I think that you are correct in that this thread has been hijacked enough regarding scousers, just because our friends across the pond didn't know what they are.

Brian

And Paul lives in Liverpool

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Hijack Alert:

THE PERKS OF BEING 50+

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You can sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Two kids in a hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Ten Years of Bad Luck?

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers were carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall and jarred the casket.

They heard a faint moan, and when they opened the casket they found that the woman was still alive.

She lived for ten more years and then she died. Another funeral service was held, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers were again carrying the casket.

As they were walking out, the husband cried out, "Watch out for the wall!"

 

[Rich]

EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

 

[Brianwarnock]

EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

ROFL a totally unexpected and great punchline, must try this exercise.

Brian

 

[Rich]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the vicar told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the vicar inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The vicar asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.

 

[Rich]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 

[sandy2976]

Two potaotes were walking down the street. Which one is the prostitute.


The one stamped I DA HO!

 

[olla86]

Only the best!
Before marriage:
She : Hi
He : Oh, I've been waiting this ...
She : You want me to go ?
He : no, Not at all
She : do you love me ?
He : of course, big time
She : you picked the wrong woman ??
He : no, why do you say that ?
She : you wanna kiss me ?
He : every time I see you !!
She : you wanna slap me ??
He : are you crazy ? never
She : can I trust you ?
He : yes
She : My love
...
after marriage
Read the same text upwards ...

 

[ByteMyzer]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this

is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so

I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, It is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole
#2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 11 News about the gang war going down on West
34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really works.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."