What's your best/worst joke?

[scott-atkinson]

Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of
the West End .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds
every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.

Parvinder says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'

Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get £2-3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign......

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Afghanistan '

 

[sandy2976]

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?


He heard the snowblower coming!

 

[Fifty2One]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack..

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.


Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

 

[Rich]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to Piss Off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!​

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

Good one, Rich. Sad to say, I'm in the same situation.

 

[Rich]

Good one, Rich. Sad to say, I'm in the same situation.

I bet you're happy though

 

[The_Doc_Man]

True enough, for the most part. Except when the family doctor lectures me and I know he's right.

 

[ColinEssex]

I heard this on UK TV last night.

Songs not played on Haiti radio -

Good Vibrations - Beach Boys

We Gotta Get Out of This Place. - Animals

Road to Hell. - Chris Rea

Bridge over troubled water - Simon / Garfunkel

 

[Vassago]

I heard this on UK TV last night.

Songs not played on Haiti radio -

Good Vibrations - Beach Boys

We Gotta Get Out of This Place. - Animals

Road to Hell. - Chris Rea

Bridge over troubled water - Simon / Garfunkel

LOL, ouch.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Oh, Colin... makes me cringe. Which, for that kind of "graveyard" humor, is high praise indeed.

 

[Brianwarnock]

Col
That type of humour always appears when there is a crisis , somepeople like it, some abhor it. Here as you may be aware Liverpool FC are playing terribly and going through a bad time, but Rafa, the manager, took the team to visit alder Hay the local chidren's hospital.
"It's good to be able to do something for others who are suffering, I hope that we gave them some encouragement" said Billy a six year old cancer patient.


Brian

 

[ColinEssex]

"It's good to be able to do something for others who are suffering, I hope that we gave them some encouragement" said Billy a six year old cancer patient.

That is excellent.

Even on £100,000 per week each, Liverpool players cannot cure their troubles - nor the little Billy's.

Is there hope for either?

Col

 

[Groundrush]

The South - You Gotta Love It!

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


Georgia


The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


Louisiana


A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "He'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."


Mississippi


The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with t he flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee


A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas


The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."


You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Groundrush...

Why do I feel I just listened to a "Larry the Cable Guy" routine?

Particularly the "Got any ID" question...

 

[DCrake]

Don't usually frequent this thread but heard a good one the other day.

Paddy's boss phones him up at home and says "Paddy, I need to get on your computer, what is your password?"

Paddy replies:

Huey Luey Duey Micky Donald Pluto Goofy Dopy Dublin

What the F... How come it so big? Well said Paddy IT said it had to be a least eight characters and one had to be a Captial.


(Password spaced out for brevity)

David

 

[The_Doc_Man]

it had to be a least eight characters and one had to be a Captial.

Oh, my word! I think Paddy must be a user on my Navy Reserve system.

 

[Rich]

I was in Sainsbury's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

 

[Rich]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the lottery?"


She says, "I'd take half then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 quid, here's £6. Now beat it.

 

[Rich]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
>
> Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
>
> Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
>
> Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
>
> Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
>
> She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
>
> He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
>
> The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit- but now he was wearing a black condom.
>
> She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
>
> He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
>

 

[Rich]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory
> .... I don't remember what I chose.
>
> 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
>
> 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
>
> 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
>
> 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
> 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
>
> 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
> earth.
>
> 7.. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try
> Weekly and Try Weakly.
>
> 8. Virginity can be cured.
>
> 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's just a lack of opportunity.
>
> 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
> partner, you'd better have a good hand.
>
> 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
>
> 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
>
> 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
> A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
>
> 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
> happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing .
>
> 15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
> A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
>
> 16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> A: Breasts don't have eyes.
>
> 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many
> men still sleep with their wives!!
>
>