What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[molsen123]

Today, my wife told me she had a head cold. I said, "its probably because you are so fat". "How can being fat cause a cold?", she asked.

"Because your heads never out of the fridge"

 

[Dick7Access]

Today, my wife told me she had a head cold. I said, "its probably because you are so fat". "How can being fat cause a cold?", she asked.

"Because your heads never out of the fridge"

Where did that guy sleep that night?

 

[Isskint]

What is grey, has 4 legs and sings the blues?

Elephants Gerald



Can you make anything from the annagram ON?




A work colleague asked me "Are you going to put the Xmas tree up yourself?"
Hmmm, i told him, in no uncertain tone, "NO, i shall put it up in the lounge as normal!!"

 

[Dick7Access]

What is grey, has 4 legs and sings the blues?

Elephants Gerald



Can you make anything from the annagram ON?




A work colleague asked me "Are you going to put the Xmas tree up yourself?"
Hmmm, i told him, in no uncertain tone, "NO, i shall put it up in the lounge as normal!!"

Come on please the guy, it will only hurt for a little while!!!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Puppies

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic
for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under
one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated
ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and
moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I
noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's
head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they needed be
baptized, too."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Jury Questions

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to
submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.

"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.

"And how did that turn out?"

"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Used Car

My wife had just bought a five-year-old car. The first time I drove
it, I told her something seemed to be wrong with the suspension.

I parked the car and then proceeded to give it a "shock test." I
clasped one hand over the other, squared my shoulders, pushed down
with all my weight on one corner and quickly released it to see if it
bounced more than once. I repeated this several times.

A pedestrian standing behind me observed, "I doubt that even CPR
could start that car."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Have you ever noticed that after Monday (M) and Tuesday (T), the rest of the week days say WTF?

 

[MSAccessRookie]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?"

The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Airport Mistletoe

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go home. The airport on the other hand had turned
a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

 

[Dick7Access]

Keep Pat Clean

Supposedly removed from a women's rest room in a factory that makes toilet seat!

Memorandum
[FONT=&quot]T[/FONT][FONT=&quot]o:[/FONT] All who use this facility
[FONT=&quot]CC:[/FONT] Toilet Mechanic
[FONT=&quot]From:[/FONT] supervisor of Toilets and Bed Pans
[FONT=&quot]Date:[/FONT] 012/26/2012
[FONT=&quot]Re:[/FONT] Operation “Find A Reliable Toilet” (FART)

It has come to our attention that some are leaving trash all over our nice clean Potty and Toilet area, (PAT) As it, I am sure that it is everybody’s desire to have a nice clean PAT, then we must all do our part to keep PAT clean. As in any organizing there will be a few that will not corporate, that will not adhere to FART. So that we can apprehend those that do not co-operate with FART, we have installed a tiny camera. To insure that no one’s privacy is violated the camera will only photograph from the neck up. I am sure I need not mention that it would be against company policy to stand on the toilet. It would not only be dangerous, but would be difficult for the camera to find Uhem! “From the neck up. In the up right hand corner of the wall opposite from the sink you will notice a white box. When the little red light blinks, please smile.
Confidential

 

[MSAccessRookie]

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

Every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

“Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering
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“You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”

 

[TessB]

THE ADVANTAGES OF HAVING DOGS (VS. KIDS)

~ It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
~ Dogs cannot lie.
~ Dogs never resist nap time.
~ You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
~ Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
~ Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
~ Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
~ Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
~ Average cost of sending a dog to school: $142
Average cost of sending a kid to school: $103,000

I know this is terrible, but I've always included ~You can bury them in the back yard (garden, for you Brits...) in my list.

 

[Dick7Access]

TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE

10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. "I really don't deserve this."

 

[Dick7Access]

FOUND IN THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

 

[Dick7Access]

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Retirement Options

Strange Retirement Options:

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona , where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open
your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

You can retire to California , where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone ask s you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to New York City , where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to
Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "Nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you
multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. ( Editor's note: if you have a car)


You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Jimmy Joe, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know
the difference, too.

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the
daycare center to get her.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Humidity can necessitate a shower if you've walked from your front door to the car.
6. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: What's For Dinner?

In helping my daughter prepare for a dinner party, I volunteered to
clean the refrigerator and freezer to make room for the extra food.

I restacked all the frozen dinners, but one casserole blocked my
progress. Uncovering it, I found something resembling sauerkraut,
noodles and hot dogs in a cream sauce ... definitely a disposal item.

I asked my daughter about tossing it out.

"Oh, no," she said. "You can't throw that away. Every time my husband
comes home and sees it defrosting, he suddenly remembers seeing a new
restaurant we have to try."

 

[Dick7Access]

[FONT=&quot]I have thought all along it was all in her head. (Pun intended)[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Clinton receiving blood thinners to dissolve clot[/FONT]
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