What's your best/worst joke? (39 Viewers)

[Mark_]

CUSTOMER: Hey, your program doesn’t work, fix it!
DEVELOPER: OK, what is going wrong?
CUSTOMER: It’s giving the wrong stuff on my report, fix it now!
DEVELOPER: What is it showing wrong?
CUSTOMER: It has the wrong number, when are you going to fix it!
DEVELOPER: What numbers are wrong?
CUSTOMER: The sales numbers, there WRONG! Now fix it!
DEVELOPER: Which sales numbers are wrong and how are they off?
CUSTOMER: The total, it’s not the right total, now are you going to fix it or not?
DEVELOPER: The total is based off of all sales for the period, so is it including or not including a transaction?
CUSTOMER: Why are you NOT fixing it? I need these numbers NOW! Just make it work!
DEVELOPER: But I need to know what is or isn’t showing, can you show me a transaction that is missing or should not be included?
CUSTOMER: The Davis account, right here! This isn’t supposed to be on here! Not get it fixed!!!
DEVELOPER: It shows as an open transaction in the period, that is why it is on the report.
CUSTOMER: But it was made LAST month, not THIS month! Get it off NOW!
DEVELOPER: So are you saying the “Sales Date” is wrong? Did you go in and correct it?
CUSTOMER: Of course I did! <Grabs a piece of paper> See!! Right here on the sales receipt, I put on the right date! Now get you crappy program to show me the right numbers!!!

Don’t write the name down, but let us know if you have met this customer before… Especially if you’ve met more than ONE of these customers!

 

[isladogs]

Don’t write the name down, but let us know if you have met this customer before… Especially if you’ve met more than ONE of these customers!

I can think of a few threads where the OP has responded a bit like that.
Luckily only a few ....

 

[Minty]

An age ago I worked for a company that supplied a help-desk function for end users and retailers. One of the products we supported were early vehicle fixed Sat Nav's (some were arrow only guidance without a full map).
The mapping wasn't great, incomplete and only had partial postcode identification. They were so poor we had Autoroute installed on our desktop PC's to assist with "routing" issues.

Cue irate call from Travelling Salesman along the lines of ;
Customer : I'm lost! This bloody thing is hopeless.
Me : Whats the problem sir, what isn't it doing?
Customer : It doesn't work. I've no idea where it's trying to take me.
etc etc , really pissed off and grumpy- eventually we get to some salient facts
Me : When did you have this fitted Sir?
Customer (after slight pause) : Err... Yesterday
Me : Did you have a chance to play with it a little before this morning? Maybe set it to your home address and see how it worked?
Customer : Err...No not really (Beginning to sound less annoyed and a little sheepish now.)
Me : Well that might have been prudent, in light of your occupation. What have you done with your maps, I assume you have maps that you were using before?
Customer : Err well, I took them all out of the car last night. (Pause)
Customer : That wasn't very clever of me was it.....
Me : Well , let's see if we can give you some directions to get you where you need to be....

 

[kevlray]

On a similar thread. I was working for a computer gaming company (many years ago) and one the games was on several floppy disks. Sometimes the install program did not work right and we had to go through a somewhat manual process. So after I talked the customer through the process of copying each floppy disk to the hard drive. There was a program we had to 'link' all the resource files together. I knew that this would take a few minutes. So I started chatting to the customer, after a few seconds (probably about 30). I heard a beep over the phone. I asked the customer what that noise was (I pretty sure I knew what it was). He said he re-booted the computer. I asked why. He said he thought it was taking to long. So we had to start over from scratch (as I bit my tongue).

 

[Vassago]

I worked for a once prominent ISP many years ago in technical support. Working the early morning shift on the US East Coast meant that I had a lot of late callers from the West Coast calling in to get assistance. You can imagine how most of those calls went.

My favorite though was probably this guy who called up saying we owed him 49.99. He explained that his machine was broken and he sent it to HP to have it repaired. When they returned it, he noticed there was an icon on his desktop that used the ISPs logo (pretty easy for these things to do) and was labelled "Free XXX Passwords." He admitted he was curious and decided to check it out. It asked for his credit card information for age verification and he created a login and then he was in. He said he went back the next day to try it out and his login wouldn't work. He decided to check his bank account and found that it was drafted in the amount of 49.99 by some company called Sickoporn. He felt that since it promised him a 30 day trial and used his ISP's icon, the ISP must have been responsible for it and owed him the money back.

After many mutes to block the laughter from going through, I calmly explained to him that the ISP did not endorse any pornographic material or websites and that this program likely stole the icon to look legitimate. I told him it wasn't our program and we wouldn't be able to help him and that he'd have to contact the company directly.

He wasn't too thrilled about that. We sent out surveys on random calls through email and he rated my call very low with a huge paragraph outlining everything that happened on the call. Random selections of those surveys get sent to our management office and to us. Of course this one was picked. I still have the email someplace.

At least everyone got to have a bit of a laugh about it.

 

[Mark_]

No fair doing "Customer service" calls...

Had one from when I was changing careers and worked for a bit doing customer service for an online retailer. Customer called in and demanded that we honor our price on line. They were trying to buy a TV for about 2% of its actual cost. I asked where they had seen the price. They gave me some odd "Bargain finder" website. I told them they should check our site. They said they did and were "upset" that we changed the price on them. Had to explain that the site they had looked at FIRST was not associated with us and we had no control over what THEY put up.

Finally got it through to the when I asked, So, if that site said you were selling your house for a thousand dollars, do you think I should be able to force you to sell me your house?

Some times people think the "Internet" is all controlled by which ever company they are trying to get something from...

 

[CJ_London]

did you hear about the pharmacy customer service person who received a call from a member of the public complaining that the 'anal deodorant' they had purchased 'did not work'?

If not, read on:

service guy: We don't sell an anal deodorant
customer: yes, you do
service guy: perhaps it is a new product, please hold whilst I check
customer: ok
service guy puts on hold and goes to another system to check, finds nothing, talks to his supervisor, still nothing
service guy: I've checked and we don't sell an anal deodorant
customer (getting insistent): you do - it says so on the label
service guy: what is the name of the product?
customer: xxxxx (to protect the innocent)
service guy: We sell a number of versions of that brand, but they are all for underarm use
customer: it quite clearly states in the instructions this is for anal use
service guy: what do the instructions say?
customer: push up bottom

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Gasman]

My grandfather told me this one time.

My neighbour was constipated and went to the doctor for the ailment. The doctor prescribed a course of suppositories, one a day for a week.

A week or so later, the doctor met his patient in the street, and after the formalities, the conversation went like this

Doctor: Is that constipation all cleared up now Mr Jones?

Mr Jones: No Doctor,I've still got it.

Doctor: You did take the full course I prescribed and not stop early?

Mr Jones: Yes, Doctor, I took the full course as you told me.

Doctor: Well I am puzzled, they should have cleared it up within a few days.?

Mr Jones: Well they didn't Doc, and to be frankly honest, for all the good they have done me, I may as well have stuck them up my arse!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Don't recall whether this has been posted here before, but I found it while furiously cleaning out my room (to find something else, of course...)

From employee evaluation forms, supposedly true excerpts:

- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom but has shown signs of starting to dig.

- His men would follow him anywhere - out of morbid curiosity.

- I would not allow this employee to breed.

- This associate is less of a has-been and more of a never-will-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it is usually to change feet.

- He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- This employee should go far... and the sooner he starts, the better.

- This employee is depriving some village of its idiot.

- Obviously got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

- A prime candidate for natural deselection.

- Bright as Alaska in December

- Room-temperature IQ

- Outscored on IQ tests by one-celled organisms.

- He's so dense, light bends around him.

- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

- If you give him a penny for this thoughts, expect some change in return.

- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

- Takes 1.5 hours to watch 60 Minutes

- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1 million other sperm.

 

[aimprosoft]

No fair doing "Customer service" calls...

Had one from when I was changing careers and worked for a bit doing customer service for an online retailer. Customer called in and demanded that we honor our price on line. They were trying to buy a TV for about 2% of its actual cost. I asked where they had seen the price. They gave me some odd "Bargain finder" website. I told them they should check our site. They said they did and were "upset" that we changed the price on them. Had to explain that the site they had looked at FIRST was not associated with us and we had no control over what THEY put up.

Finally got it through to the when I asked, So, if that site said you were selling your house for a thousand dollars, do you think I should be able to force you to sell me your house?

Some times people think the "Internet" is all controlled by which ever company they are trying to get something from...

A-ha-ha... I also saw this

 

[Steve R.]

Questioner: "What is the only book you take literally?"
Respondent: "The Bible"
Questioner: "Wrong! The tax code."
---------------------------------------------------------
Heard on the TV.

 

[CJ_London]

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: ''Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young: (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

[Mark_]

Not sure if you've heard this one before.

A blind man walks into a bar.
.
.
.
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.
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And a table
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.
.
And a chair

 

[NauticalGent]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

John, your signature line just might be my favorite Ron White quote.

 

[NauticalGent]

John, your signature line just might be my favorite Ron White quote.

Mine too...the skit is hilarious!

 

[NauticalGent]

STUDY.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting men in the forehead.

 

[kevlray]

Hand it to the Aussies to come up with something completely different (pun intended).

 

[CJ_London]

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of
spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?