What's your best/worst joke? (86 Viewers)

[Deleted member 147267]

TAHHH DAHHHH!!!
Took me by surprise. Right up my alley.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Definitely a honey of a joke, CJ

 

[CJ_London]

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks June. 'They're on sale, only £25 for 24 cans,' Eddie replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along June picks up a £50 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'



Eddie is expected out of hospital next month

 

[dynamictiger]

With all the talk of moon landings got to thinking...what might it be like to have sex on the Moon? I mean the gravity is different.

For that matter what might it be like to have sex on Mars? Would that be different to the moon?

Then again how about sex on Uranus?

 

[Deleted member 147267]

That one doesn't work because it's yoor-an-us, or perhaps more like yoor-in-us.

 

[Rx_]

The college math department had renovations. The geometry class was moved to the soccer field house. Its January and a full blown snow storm is in. several freshman wake up late, they think the class is across the street and don't bring a coat, runs to his class to find a sign about the relocation across the campus at the field house.
The professor is beginning the three hour lecture. A student comes through the door shivering and teeth chattering. The professor looks at him and says,
Go Stand In the Corner!
Not long after another freshman comes through the door in the same situation, and the professor again orders him Go Stand in the Corner.
Soon after, the 4th freshman pops in and receives the same treatment.
One of the students on the front row raises his hand to ask what is going on?
The professor tells him that it is obvious these students are chilled.

We all know the corners are ninety degrees.

 

[CJ_London]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I kissed a girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months holiday and five good leads..."

 

[Mark_]

Just west of Austin Texas, a van for a travelling circus broke down and was parked on the side of the interstate. A State trooper rolled up and was greeted by the peculiar sight of three performers, on unicycles, practicing their coordinated juggling. As he stood there in amazement watching these skilled performers toss golf clubs, torches, and a chainsaw back and forth between themselves, he noticed an old pickup truck come up and park behind his cruiser.

To his amazement, the driver of the pickup got out, shuffled somewhat unsteadily to the back of his cruiser, and proceeded to get into the back of the car.

Being the astute officer he was, he proceeded to go up to the now closed door and tap of the winder. The disheveled looking man looked up at him morosely.

“Can you answer me this?” asked the office, “What are you doing in the back of my car?”

“Well officer” responded the man, “I’d heard your pretty strict down here about drinking and driving, but after seeing your roadside test, well, no way I’m gonna pass that…”

 

[CJ_London]

O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."

"And why would you be doing that?" replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"

The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" asked O'Toole.

"That's simple" the Manager said, "on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote 'I don't know.'"

"You wrote 'Neither do I.'"

 

[Mark_]

In honor of the above...

There are two types of peole in this world:
1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

 

[amo12oo]

I don't think jokes are funny, especially long ones.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I can't take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"
The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me" :banghead:

 

[The_Doc_Man]

amo12oo - don't think jokes are funny, then tells a funny one. Are you perhaps a student of irony?

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Not so much of irony as contradiction?

 

[NauticalGent]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

 

[CJ_London]

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm.”

The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this day

 

[The_Doc_Man]

But of course, we continue to hire more of these asses because the ones we hired decide they would make good politicians where the asses can bray to the masses. So they move up in the world from government employee to office-holder.

I will leave it to individuals to decide which offices are currently occupied by such politicians. However, I will emphasize that more than one candidate comes to mind and only one had orange hair. A lot more are better disguised.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain't empty.'

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Re: Pyramid Scheme for Graduates

Never thought of it that way, but ... it makes sense.

 

[hammerite]

BOB AND THE BLONDE

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10pm News was coming on.

The news-crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on."

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm News, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

[hammerite]

Physicians were unable to reach a consensus: Should Brexit take place?

The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Brexiters had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Chemists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that May’s proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anaesthesiologists thought it was all a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**holes in Parliament.