What's your best/worst joke? (13 Viewers)

[Guus2005]

Q. How do you milk a sheep?
A. Bring out a new iPhone and charge £900 for it.


One thing you don't want to hear when having fantastic sex?
"Honey, i'm home!"

 

[hammerite]

A little johnny joke

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

[CJ_London]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.


Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Gasman]

A 4 engined flight from UK takes off.

One hour into the journey, the captain comes on over the tannoy and states
'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem with our outboard starboard engine, and we have had to switch it off. Nothing to worry about, but it means we will be late by about one hour at our destination'

Paddy looks at his mate Seamus and says 'It's OK, captain said so, but a bit of a pain to be an hour late'

Two hours go by.
The captain comes on over the tannoy again and states
'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem with our outboard port engine, and we have had to switch it off. Nothing to worry about, but it means we will be late by about another hour at our destination'

Paddy looks at his mate Seamus and says 'It's OK, captain said so, but a bit of a pain to be another hour late'

Another wo hours go by.
The captain comes on over the tannoy again and states
'Ladies and Gentlemen, we now have a problem with our inboard port engine, and we have had to switch that off. Nothing to worry about, but it now means we will be late by about another two hours at our destination'

Paddy looks at his mate Seamus and says 'It's OK, captain said so, but a bit of a pain to be another two hours late'. That is fours hours late we will be.?

Seamus looks at Paddy and says 'I hope the last one doesn't have any problems, else we could be up here all night'

 

[vba_php]

I'm not about to read all the pages in this thread so I hope this hasn't been covered yet, but this is one of my favorites that people sometimes don't get:

"2 men walked into a bar. The 3rd one ducked".

 

[azeron]

I must contribute!
“Fact: A deer can jump higher than a house. The two main reasons are a deer’s strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.”

 

[kevlray]

I'm not about to read all the pages in this thread so I hope this hasn't been covered yet, but this is one of my favorites that people sometimes don't get:

"2 men walked into a bar. The 3rd one ducked".

Variation of the above joke (sorry to any blondes that might take an offense). Two blondes walked into a bar, you think one of them would have seen it.

 

[vba_php]

A man and his wife are having sex. They're going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly they hear a noise...it's their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room. The father says "I'll go talk to Timmy". He goes to Timmy's room, opens the door, and little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma. The father says "Oh my God!", and little Timmy says "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?".

-Robin Williams: "Weapons of Self Destruction"

 

[NauticalGent]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[adrianscotter]

Why do husbands die before their wife?

Answer in a minute...

 

[adrianscotter]

Ahhhh.. so THAT'S how you do it... BRB

 

[adrianscotter]

So, having cut those pesky antenna's off...

Who DO husbands die before their wife?

Because they WANT TO!

 

[CJ_London]

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a guy sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.

The man asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".

He replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The man replied, "I don't want a tie, I need water."

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later he came crawling back to where the guy was sitting behind his card table.

The guy said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The man rasped, "I found it all right .............



But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

 

[deletedT]

Just saw this on twitter:

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[AccessBlaster]

Every time is on I have to watch just a few moments before I start to chuckle.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Perhaps in early 2021, the Democrats will wake up and realize they are replaying their worst day ever. Groundhog day on a national scale. What a strange and yet somehow delicious thought.

 

[AccessBlaster]