What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

[Groundrush]

Good Morals

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!


There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of
her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This is a joke from our DOS days.

Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with a vampire?

A: Autoexec.bat

=====================
Doctor told this man he only has 6 weeks to live.

He told his friend that he is going to live with his mother-in-law.
The friend said : "I thought you did not like her that much !!"
The man said : "That is true, so it is going to be the longest 6 weeks of my life."

 

[andy_dyer]

Another football scandal!...

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found lying dead in the house of a famous French Footballer.

Police confirm they are treating the case as "murder on Zidane's floor".

 

[andy_dyer]

oK oK!!

It has been a week since the last joke... things r slowing down!!

Guess it's up to me to keep this thread alive!!

A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks should he cut it into six or twelve pieces. "six please" she replies "i could never eat twelve"....

Why do blondes take the pill ? so they know what day of the week it is....

A blonde was driving down a motorway when her boyfriend calls and says "Dear be carefull, I just heard on the news that there is a maniac on the road driving the wrong way" to which the blonde replys "There not just one maniac, there's hundreds of them!"

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the chemist ? because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills....

 

[ColinEssex]

How does an Essex girl switch on a light?

She opens the car door

 

[andy_dyer]

Uh oh...

Opened the door now for all the blonde and sexist jokes.....

Better hope that Hayley or any other female doesn't check this thread now...

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Uh oh...

Opened the door now for all the blonde and sexist jokes.....

Better hope that Hayley or any other female doesn't check this thread now...

Guess I'm ok then as I'm not blonde

 

[Mile-O]

Guess I'm ok then as I'm not blonde

Or female!

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Or female!

How do you know may I ask?

 

[Mile-O]

How do you know may I ask?

No, you may not ask.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Ok Andy I know you wont take this personally and all the other blokes too, but in all honesty you did ask for it

Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... Chinese food.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... toilets.
They're either engaged, dirty, or full of shit.

Men are like... stray dogs.
They like to run around.

 

[Rich]

Ok Andy I know you wont take this personally and all the other blokes too, but in all honesty you did ask for it

Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

And why not, they worked hard enough to provide the food!


Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Use an Oil based paint

Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Bikes don't have helmets

Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.

Stands to reason


Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

At about 100 copies per minute I'd say pretty good value too

Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

You mean intriguing

Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Most mens accounts have been drained by women

Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men liked being walked on by women in high heels ?

Men are like... Chinese food.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

You're ordering the wrong dish!

Men are like... toilets.
They're either engaged, dirty, or full of shit.

Try the urinals instead


Men are like... stray dogs.
They like to run around.

Nothing to keep them at home

 

[andy_dyer]

See the thread had no interest for a whole week and all it took was some sexist jokes!!

Hayley those jokes were well received by the women that work in my office!!

Think I better continue then...

what do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts ? change....

how do you get a blonde on the roof ? tell her the drinks are on the house....

what do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair a brunette colour? a female with artifical intellegence....

 

[Mile-O]

Cramped on an airplane, high above the land a blonde notices a curtain swishing at the front of the cabin. Curious, she goes to investigate. She pulls back the curtain and is amazed by what she sees: spacious aisles, generous seating, meals served on golden plates, washed down with expensive wines.
Spotting an empty seat she passes through the curtains, sits down in comfort, and relaxes.

An airhostess notices the blonde and follows here through. "Miss," she says, "you are not permitted in first class."
The blonde replies: "So what? I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London."

Undermined, the hostess gets the head hostess who informs the blonde that she will have to leave first class and return to her seat. "No! I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London," she answers.

Sensing a problem on their hands, the head hostess informs the co-pilot who leaves the cockpit and whispers some words in the blonde's ear. "I'm so sorry," she says, returning to her seat in economy class.

"What did you say to her?" the two hostesses ask.
"Simple," replied the co-pilot, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to London."

 

[mitchem1]

How does an Essex girl switch on a light?

She opens the car door

What is an Essex girl?

 

[Mile-O]

What is an Essex girl?

Believe it or not: a girl from Essex.


*The sort of sexually obliging girl who'd kneel down in six inches of piss to oblige.



e.g. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?

Goes home!

 

[Hayley Baxter]

A Typical Male

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Baseball fan

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had
ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the
plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their
feet screaming "Run, run!" This happened two more times, with a single
and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into
the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The
Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye
rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing so the
Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next
to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and
explained, "He can't run because he got four balls." The Scotsman
immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with
pride!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

A man in the uniform of a Scottish regiment walks into the local apothecary/drugstore. He walks up to the pharmacist and holds up the most disreputable looking condom ever seen. It has tire patches, duct tape, and several stitches in it.

The soldier asks the pharmacist, "How much to repair?" The pharmacist replies, "Twenty pence."

The soldier asks the pharmacist, "How much to replace?" The pharmacist replies, "Twenty-five pence."

The soldier walks out without a word. Fifteen minutes later he returns and confronts the pharmacist, saying "The regiment has voted to replace."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Now this is a story from South Louisiana, USA, which is my home. It is about the Cajun people, who are inherently storytellers supreme.

Boudreaux (Boo-drow) is sitting on a short pier, obviously sad. His friend Alcide (al-seed) sees him and says, "Boudreaux, what's wrong?"

Boudreaux says, "Life is just not fair. People forget the good t'ings you do and remember the bad t'ings."

Alcide said, "So wha's the problem today?"

Boudreaux says, "You see dem piers up and down the bayou here? I done built most o' dem. But do dey call me Boudreaux the pier builder? No."

After a minute, he continues. "You see dem boat houses all along dis bayou? I done built about two-t'irds of dem, too. But do dey call me Boudreaux the boat-house builder? No."

After another moment of silence, he says, "And you see dem pirogues (pee-rogue) up and down dis bayou? I done built way more dan half o' dem. But do dey call me Boudreaux the pirogue maker? No."

Alcide says, "Well Boudreaux, I know what you built and what you done up and down dis bayou, but I STILL don' know what you so sad about."

Boudreaux says, "Well, I done all dem t'ings and everyone forget about dem. But you let me get drunk ONE night and f*ck ONE goat..."