M
MrsAlly
Guest
Rich said:
Yes that's me! It's finally healing. Got some honeymoon pix back the other day and there's me in the sea, on the beach, on the motorbike ... in hospital!
Last edited:
What's your best/worst joke? (5 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
Yes that's me! It's finally healing. Got some honeymoon pix back the other day and there's me in the sea, on the beach, on the motorbike ... in hospital!
R
Rich
Guest
How on earth did you break your ankle, on honeymoon?
ColinEssex
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RichRich said:How on earth did you break your ankle, on honeymoon?
Remember? I told you privately - I didn't want to broadcast it to the world!!!!!
M
MrsAlly
Guest
Oh Col, you're such a sweety. Thanks for not telling the world about the chandeliers swinging thing!ColinEssex said:
Rich
R
Rich
Guest
MrsAlly said:
Oh Col, you're such a sweety. Thanks for not telling the world about the chandeliers swinging thing!
He didn't
but we're all ears 
ColinEssex
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Don't be silly A.MrsAlly said:
Oh Col, you're such a sweety. Thanks for not telling the world about the chandeliers swinging thing!
Its no good making out you had chandeliers in your hotel room. We all know it was the wardrobe jump and dodgy landing that did it Col
R
Rich
Guest
ColinEssex said:
Don't be silly A.
Col
jumped from the wardrobe to the landing, phew, some leap
Jacob Mathai
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We need to keep this thread going
A cannibal took an ocean voyage. The first evening, he went to the dining room and announced, "I am starving!"
The waiter asked if he wanted to see a menu. "No," said the cannibal. "Just bring me the passenger list."
A cannibal took an ocean voyage. The first evening, he went to the dining room and announced, "I am starving!"
The waiter asked if he wanted to see a menu. "No," said the cannibal. "Just bring me the passenger list."
andy_dyer
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Q. What do you call a lady who doesn't like butter?
A. Marge
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw a salad dressing!
Q. Why did the gum cross the road?
A. It was stuck to the chicken
Q. Whats E.T. short for?
A. He hasn't got any legs
One for all the rugby followers:
Q. What is an Austrailian bra like?
A. Green & Gold with no cup!
A. Marge
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw a salad dressing!
Q. Why did the gum cross the road?
A. It was stuck to the chicken
Q. Whats E.T. short for?
A. He hasn't got any legs
One for all the rugby followers:
Q. What is an Austrailian bra like?
A. Green & Gold with no cup!
andy_dyer
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Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. She just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. She just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
andy_dyer
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Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
andy_dyer
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Reading the Signs
How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements Taken From Women's Glibber
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car withour opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Man insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Man insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Man can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Man insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Man insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Man insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Woman wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Woman wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Woman takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Woman orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Woman gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Woman asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Man insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Man asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Man asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Man fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Man doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Woman insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Man changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Man changes tables - Nyphomaniac
23. Woman drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm
24. Man orders in French - Fakes Orgasm
25. Man sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Woman asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Man orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Woman orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Woman wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your football posters
30. Man credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Man undertips waiter - Small penis
32. Man undertips parking valet - Small penis
33. Man undertips cabbie - Small penis
34. Man uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Man has removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Man has cellular phone in car - Penile inplant
How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements Taken From Women's Glibber
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car withour opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Man insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Man insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Man can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Man insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Man insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Man insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Woman wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Woman wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Woman takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Woman orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Woman gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Woman asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Man insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Man asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Man asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Man fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Man doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Woman insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Man changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Man changes tables - Nyphomaniac
23. Woman drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm
24. Man orders in French - Fakes Orgasm
25. Man sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Woman asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Man orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Woman orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Woman wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your football posters
30. Man credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Man undertips waiter - Small penis
32. Man undertips parking valet - Small penis
33. Man undertips cabbie - Small penis
34. Man uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Man has removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Man has cellular phone in car - Penile inplant
andy_dyer
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
fuzzygeek
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Daddy
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father. "The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said," I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father. "The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said," I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
FoFa
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
Len Boorman
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Re: Time to get back to bashing the men......
Just caught up with this one
Sounds quite good really
L
Hayley Baxter said:well you've all had a few days of peace so some more men bashing jokes wouldn't go a miss
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year olds.
Just caught up with this one
Sounds quite good really
L
fuzzygeek
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Don't let this thread dry up
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was an involved, signed up for evening class, attended diligently, and learned all that he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had attained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor then went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was an involved, signed up for evening class, attended diligently, and learned all that he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had attained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor then went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
andy_dyer
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Really Bad Joke...
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became
obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............
WAIT FOR IT
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became
obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............
WAIT FOR IT
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
