What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[maxmangion]

Two Sisters

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed with their own stock.

They see an ad in the country newspaper for a 'bull for sale' and decide one of them should go and check it out.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to bring the pick-up truck so we can haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says

"I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly. com-for-da-bul."

 

[GSM]

A tour bus driver with a bus full of senior citizens is driving down the road when he is tapped on the shoulder by one of his passengers, a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts as a gesture of thanks from the passengers, which he gratefully eats.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and gives him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture a few more times when finally the bus driver asks: “Why don’t you eat the peanuts?”
“We can’t because of our old teeth,” replies the old lady.
“Why do you buy them then?” asks the driver.
“We like the chocolate coating!”
-------------------------------------------------------
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for
the two of them.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."The Lord went down again and came
up with a silver thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."The Lord was pleased with the woman's
honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress
went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this
your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord
was furious."You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would
have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would
have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not
be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes'
to Mel Gibson."

 

[KenHigg]

Chris Rock's Quote of the Year:
>
> "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
> the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
> the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
> arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
> powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I
> say more?"
>

 

[Big Pat]

Another true story

My son Conor (who was aged about 7 at the time) ran to come and get me in the kitchen. "Dad", he said, a touch worriedly "they've rescued some little aliens. It's real...it's on the news!".
"Don't worry" I reassured him, "alien is just a word they use for foreign people who are not allowed to live here".
"But Dad, they said the ship was in trouble and they've rescued six little aliens".
I was puzzled. "Little aliens" was certainly an odd way to describe them. Were these children that had been found somewhere? And what was this about a ship?
I went to the living-room with Conor and was just in time to see the end of a story about a fishing trawler that had sent a distress signal from somewhere in the North Sea.
The UK coastguard had rescued six LITHUANIANS.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Woman goes into grocery. Asks the grocer "Do you have any dates?"

He says "No."

She asks, "Do you have any nuts?"

He says "No. That's why I don't have any dates."

 

[KenHigg]

Doc, you'er a sic puppie...

 

[maxmangion]

Hypnotist treatment

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband: "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.""No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies:
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. "I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back."He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says:"Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follow him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

 

[Rusty]

There was a farmer who had four daughters.

One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing
there.

The young man said,
"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."

The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out.
Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was
there. He said, "My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"
Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go.

Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there.
He said,
"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"
Again the farmer was amused and let them go.

Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing
there. He began, "My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him.

 

[Rusty]

Darwin Awards:

These were the winners (awards given for helping mankind along due to the person's stupidity!)

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space, so he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 ! bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[KKilfoil]

Charlie picks up a woman in a bar. They get in his car, and they're going down a dirt road to Lover's Lane, when he gets a flat tire. He looks in the trunk, and his spare is flat, too. He figures, what the hell, he's gonna get a little bit. So they get in the back seat, and he's just getting off her blouse and her bra, when another car pulls up.

He gets out, and the other guy says, "Can I help you?"

Charlie says, "You sure can. I'll tell you what...if you'll let me use your car to go get my spare fixed, you can be with the babe in the back seat while I'm gone."

The guy says, "You're on."

The guy gives him the keys, Charlie puts his spare tire in the guy's trunk, and takes off. The guy gets in the back seat, and they're just about to go to it when a police car pulls up.

A cop walks over, shines the flashlight into the back seat, and says, "What are you doing, Mac?"

The guy says, "I'm just about to make love to my wife, officer."

The cop says, "I'm sorry, pal, I didn't realize it was your wife."

The guy says, "Neither did I, 'til you shined your flashlight on her."

 

[Rusty]

I was wondering what George was saying when I saw this on the news...

 

[Ukraine82]

Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing
there. He began, "My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him.

The joke is great, but;

What girls name rhymes with chuck???

Michael

 

[Ukraine82]

Duck

Ducky

LOL Duck - ok if you say so.

Michael

 

[scouser]

Michael Jackson

There are some great Michael Jackson Jokes here:

http://www.laughtershop.com/

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Q: what will you say when you hear there are 4 guys in quicksand?

A: Quattro sinko

 

[Rusty]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake.

"Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with
my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls. I'd say you must be either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly
someone in Senior Management."

 

[GSM]

I appreciate that:

This is the watercooler

You issued warnings to those that are easily offended

But I think this one has reached a new low and the post should be removed.

 

[Newman]

I am not much in favor of censorship, but I must say that this one was sick and not funny at all.

 

[fuzzygeek]

I have sent people at work to this site for information. I've also told them to check out the humour in the watercooler. Not again. This crosses a line that shouldn't be crossed. Some found the Chester the Molester cartoons that were in Hustler magazine funny also...not if you've been molested yourself.

Crosmill please remove that remark!

 

[MrsGorilla]

Ugh. I agree. I'm certainly not easily offended, but that definitely crossed the line. There just isn't anything funny about having sex with a 7 year old, no matter how you look at it.