MrsGorilla
Rat Race Participant
- Local time
- Today, 09:46
- Joined
- May 6, 2003
- Messages
- 1,745
What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
GohDiamond
"Access- Imagineer that!"
- Local time
- Today, 10:46
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2006
- Messages
- 550
I knew I'd screw it up one way or another. The name of the third child would have been the first child's name mentioned. Does that make any sense or is it prophetic? The last shall be first? oh well, can't pull the wool over your eyes I suppose.
Cheers!
Goh
Cheers!
Goh
The Sydney Morning Herald conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them...
Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.
Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.
A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.
Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.
Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.
A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.
I *might* derive an inordinate amount of pleasure from pondering whether to have the Tarka Dahl in the Local Indian Restaurant. Only so that when asked "What's Tarka Dahl" I can reply
"It's like ordinary Dahl, only 'otter".
I shouldn't enjoy it half as much as I do.
"It's like ordinary Dahl, only 'otter".
I shouldn't enjoy it half as much as I do.
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 15:46
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was
awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty
good show for a dollar."
--------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy came to Sunday School late.
His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty
good show for a dollar."
--------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy came to Sunday School late.
His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 15:46
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
Church Feuds
Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'
Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'
Oldsoftboss
AWF VIP
- Local time
- Tomorrow, 00:46
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2001
- Messages
- 2,499
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 15:46
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 15:46
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
John Abraham was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
John looked up again and said,
"Never mind. I found one."
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
John looked up again and said,
"Never mind. I found one."
Breasts
Perfect breasts
(o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )
Perky breasts
(*)(*)
Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)
A cups
o o
D cups
{ O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)
Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)
Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts
\ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )
Android Breasts
| o | | o |
Perfect breasts
(o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )
Perky breasts
(*)(*)
Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)
A cups
o o
D cups
{ O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)
Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)
Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts
\ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )
Android Breasts
| o | | o |
Give him 2 shovels and tell him to take his pick
no - but I will tell you later ...
RexesOperator
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:46
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2006
- Messages
- 604
How to instill discipline:
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around
the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable
at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he
found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around
the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable
at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he
found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 15:46
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
want to keep this thread alive. we need more jokes
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 15:46
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 15:46
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
Subject: Julie Andrew's favorite things have aged
To commemorate her 69th birthday last October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment
of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs ™ and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEEEEL SOOO BAD!
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores.
To commemorate her 69th birthday last October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment
of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs ™ and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEEEEL SOOO BAD!
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores.
RexesOperator
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:46
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2006
- Messages
- 604
Didn't Julie Andrews lose her ability to sing? But the lyrics are priceless!
