What's your best/worst joke? (52 Viewers)

[Ron_dK]

An American, An Englishman, and A Frenchman are walking along a beach when they come across a magic lamp.
The American picks it up and rubs it and out comes the Genii. The Genii looks them over and says, "Since there are three of you, you will get one wish each."
The American thinks for a moment and says, "My Grandfather was a farmer, my father was a farmer, I'm a farmer, and my son will be a farmer. I want America to be the most fertile, agricultural nation on earth."
*Poof* "It is done!"
The Frenchman is impressed with the wish, thinks about it for a moment and says, "My country has been invaded many times. I want France to be surrounded by a wall to protect it from all enemies."
*Poof* "It is done! Englishman, it is time for your wish!"
"Before I give my wish," the Englishman says, "Tell me about this French wall."
"It is one hundred feet high, and fifty feet thick," the Genii replies. "Nothing can go in or out through it!"
"Wonderful, for my wish, fill it with water."

 

[Vassago]

I think we should appoint a hermaphrodite to adjudicate this argument. Step forward Vassago...

I was just reading through this old monster thread. Can you believe it's been all these years!? Of course, it was actually fun around here back then and there was no political talk.

Oh, and since we are the same person, wouldn't that make you a hermaphrodite too Mile? (5 years too late )

 

[Rabbie]

New Words for 2008

New Words for 2008



* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog.(Loo) If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
as a McShit with Lies.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.


* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
Got 4 buttocks

 

[KenHigg]

booze cruise

 

[Rabbie]

booze cruise

In Britain tax on booze(alcoholic drinks) and tobacco is much higher than in France so we take the ferry over to France to buy at their prices. EU regulations say we don't have to pay import tax on these if they are for our own personal use so it is a good saving with the the bonus of enjoying good french cooking as well

 

[KenHigg]

I'm guessing the north bound ferry tend to have more drunks on it as well ? -

 

[oumahexi]

One of my favourite:

On their wedding night, the young bride

approached her new

husband and asked for $20.00 for their first

lovemaking encounter. In

his highly aroused state, her husband readily

agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made

love, for more

than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a

cute way for her to

afford new clothes and other incidentals that

she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was

surprised to find

her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that

his employer

was going through a process of corporate

downsizing, and he had

been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of

59, he'd be able to find

another position that paid anywhere near what

he'd been earning, and

therefore, they

were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which

showed more than thirty

years of steady deposits and interest totalling

nearly $1 million. Then she

showed him certificates of deposits issued

by the bank which were worth over $2 million,

and informed him that they

were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that

for the more than

three decades she had "charged" him for sex,

these holdings had multiplied

and these were the

results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments

worth over $3

million, her husband was so astounded he could

barely speak, but

finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If

I'd had any idea what you

were doing, I would have given you all my

business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when

to keep their mouths shut.

 

[Rich]

Glasgow Rangers Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a
young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and
arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later, Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen
with only 20 minutes left.

The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and
on he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20
minutes and wins the game for Rangers.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum
to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says in an Iraqi accent.

'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I
scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me – the fans, the
media they all love me'.

'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day.


Your father got shot in the street and robbed,
your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten,
and your brother has joined a gang of looters,
and all while you were having such a great time'.

The young lad is very upset.

'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?'

Sorry?!!!' says his Mum.

'It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place !”

 

[Oldsoftboss]

AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

I have always called them suicide blonde's, guess I will have to update my vocabulary.


* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

We call them aeroplane dresses. - If you look in the right place you can see the cockpit.

Ha Ha

Dave

 

[Sum Guy]

Glasgow Rangers Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a
young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and
arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later, Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen
with only 20 minutes left.

The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and
on he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20
minutes and wins the game for Rangers.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum
to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says in an Iraqi accent.

'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I
scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me – the fans, the
media they all love me'.

'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day.


Your father got shot in the street and robbed,
your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten,
and your brother has joined a gang of looters,
and all while you were having such a great time'.

The young lad is very upset.

'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?'

Sorry?!!!' says his Mum.

'It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place !”

I thought you were going to tell us he was Catholic.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

New Words for 2008 .....

MICHEAL JACKSON CHOCOLATE...

White with no nuts.

 

[Rabbie]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

Game keeper shouts ' Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shyte n pish.'

Man replies 'My good fellow, I'm English .......repeat that in English'.

Gamekeeper replies 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

Brilliant. Do you think we need to provide the correct translation??

 

[TessB]

Brilliant. Do you think we need to provide the correct translation??

Nah... I think everyone here has seen enough movies with accents to get it.
I did anyway.

BTW, the one with the 280k mortgage and no bike was hysterical.

 

[scott-atkinson]

Brave Man Jokes

.............................
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: 'This is the pig I have sx with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to London I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

[scott-atkinson]

A man's playing golf with his priest. On the green, he tries to putt the ball in but misses the hole.

"F*ck it, I missed!", he screams.

The priest says to him, "You shouldn't swear like that. God will get you for it."

The man apologizes for his language, but then a couple of holes later, he misses another putt. "F*ck it, I missed!", he screams again.

"I'm telling you, God will get you if you keep swearing like that." the priest warns.

The man apologizes again, but sure enough, a couple of holes later when he misses another putt he screams out, "F*ck it, I missed!" for a third time.

The skies cloud over and there's a loud rumbling of thunder. "I warned you that God would get you if you kept swearing.", the priest says.

The man then watches stunned as a bolt of lightning then strikes down from the sky and blows up the priest.

A loud voice then cries down from the heavens, "F*ck it, I missed!"
__________________

 

[statsman]

Warning, ethnic sterotyping.

Two men have adjoining stores on the town's main street.
Nick is a Greek and runs a cafe.
Next door is Charlie who is Chinese and runs a laundry.
Every Friday, Charlie cleans his front window at exactly 11 AM. Nick comes out and asks Charlie, "What day is it today Charlie".
Charlies answers "it's Flyday".
Nick thinks this is hilarious and staggers back to his cafe laughing.

Finally, Charlie has enough. He goes to diction school to learn how to speak English properly. The only class available is on Friday mornings so several weeks go by with no Charlie for Nick to laugh at.

One Friday morning at 11 AM, Charlie is cleaning the front window of the laundry. Nick comes out and says "What day is it today Charlie"? With a smile Charlie replies "It's FRIDAY...you gleek plick.

 

[Alc]

A West Virginia farmer got in his pickup, droveto a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.A young boy about 9 yrs old opened the door."Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked."No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."Well said the farmer, "Is yer Mom here?""No sir, she ain't here neither.She went into town with Dad.""How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?""He went with Mom and Dad."The farmer stood there for a few minutes,shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself."Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely."I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.""Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,"I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter,Pearly Mae, pregnant."The boy considered for a moment."You would have to talk to Pa about that,"he finally conceded. "If it helps you any,I know that Pa charges $50 for the bulland $25 for the hog,but I really don't know
how much he gets fer Howard."

 

[Golfer]

An 86-year-old man walks into a crowded doctors' waiting room and approaches the desk. The receptionist says, 'Good morning, sir. Can you please tell me what the problem is and why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replies.

The embarrassed receptionist leans forward and says quietly, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not?' he replies, 'You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' .

'But you've caused some unease and embarrassment to other patients in the
waiting room,' the receptionist explains.' You should have been a bit more discreet - said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replies sulkily, 'Well you shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer might embarrass anyone.', turns on his heel and walks out.

Several minutes later the door to the waiting room opens and the old man re-enters.

The receptionist smiles nervously, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he says loudly.

With relief the receptionist nods approvingly, knowing he has taken her
advice. 'And what's the problem with your ear, sir?'

'I can't p*ss out of it,' he says.

 

[Golfer]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again

 

[Oldsoftboss]

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again

Yep, where do I contribute? Read it again before I got to that bit