What's your best/worst joke? (28 Viewers)

Another Scots Joke :D


Barrack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.


He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,


He greets one. The patient replies:


Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.​



Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient..


The next patient responds: ​



Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.​



Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on
to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:​



Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle​



Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,
'Is this a psychiatric ward?' ​



No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'​
 
A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day, and at the end of the
night, the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a
couple of beers.

One questions the other two, "Listen, it's our wedding night and I was
wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do it".

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how
the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over
breakfast to discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our
first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives
sat with us."

"No you're right. " Says another one "What we'll do then, is for every
piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we
did it", offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.


The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit
dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely
stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first
groom to take his order.

"Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast
please". The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh
orange in a toast to his accomplishment.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I'll also
have the full English breakfast, but I'll have FOUR pieces of toast"

The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full English
breakfast please, with..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST"
giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in
disbelief at the thought of how raw his old chap must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why, that's an awful lot"

"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is." She writes down his
order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her
again. "And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?"



 
The Insensitive Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a
small town.

He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde'
jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and shouts: 'I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes,
you jerk!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental
worth asa human being?'

'It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being
respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full
potential,because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative
images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap
laughs.'

'You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do
is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it
is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic
respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you
pusillanimous little maggot.'
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells:






'You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on
your knee.'
 
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center

The invited guest said:
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as the hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Crap,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center
 
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tripe out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"






 
A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
 
An woman in her 80's is told by her doctor she has only a few months left to live.

On her way home she stops at the undertakers to make the necessary arrangements. She is quite specific stating exactly which coffin she wants, which hymns she wants at the funeral and who is to eulogize her.

Finally they come to the headstone. Again the woman is quite specific stating the stone must contain the following:
Her name
Year of birth and death
BORN A VIRGIN
LIVED A VIRGIN
DIED A VIRGIN.

After her death, the undertaker placed the order for the headstone with the local mason. The mason is a lazy sod. He takes one look at the all the carving he has to do and makes an edit.

The finished stone reads
RETURNED UNOPENED.
 
A plane is on its way to toronto, when a blonde in

economy class gets up, and moves to the first class

section and sits down.



The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks

to see her ticket.



She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy

class, and that she will have to sit in the back.



The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm

going to toronto and i'm staying right here."


the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells

the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde

bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in

economy, and won't move back to her seat.



The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to

explain that because she only paid for economy

she w ill have to leave and return to her seat.



The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm

going to toronto and i'm staying right her e."



the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should

have the police waiting when they land to arrest

this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.



The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll

handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."



he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,

and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes

back to her seat in economy..



The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and

asked him what he said to make her move without

any fuss.



"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto ".
 
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
 
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it's 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, And goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
 
HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer replied, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer replied, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer replied,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer replied, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'



The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'



 
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,'What are these,Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex..''Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
'Why are there 3 in this package?
The dad replies,'Those are for high school boys,
ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.
' 'Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc.'
 
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of
her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who
thinks
they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The
teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am,
but I
hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her
face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,'
said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's
the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10
most
wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
if it
really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman.
'The
detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why
didn't
you keep him when you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's
legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why
are
you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I
have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny,
looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
 
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded

(marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a bad accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.




​






 
A man goes to the doctor and complains he's not feeling well.
After the usual examinations (pulse, blood pressure etc.) the doctor says he can't find anything wrong.
"What have you had to eat today?" inquires the doctor.
"Snooker balls" says the patient.
"SNOOKER BALLS!!??" says the doctor.
"That's right. I had a pink and a red for breakfast, a yellow and a red for lunch and a blue and a red for supper" says the man.
"Well there's your problem" says the doctor...

NOT ENOUGH GREENS.
 
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.

And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
 
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