What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Rich]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a
rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie
were waiting one morning for a
Particularly slow group of golfers in
front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those
blokes? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't
know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move
it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes
George the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic
Priest, 'What's wrong with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't
they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh,
yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving
Our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm
going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he
can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think
I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters
in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f-----g
play at night?'

 

[crazzycat]

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the fucking difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"

 

[scott-atkinson]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.


Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking..


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle..


Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.



Only girls had pierced ears!



We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.



You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...



We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!



RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT



Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.





The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!



Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'



We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !




And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.





PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Scott, Dammitall, I wish you weren't so bloody right about our eyes...

 

[Vassago]

The one part of that that doesn't make sense is "only girls pierced their ears!". Besides the fact that it's obviously false, why would that matter? It has nothing to do with the rest of the post.

Long ago, it was actually only the men that pierced their ears. It was a sign of strength for many ancient and not so ancient civilizations. Samurais, Native Americans, Indians, and even Vikings peirced their ears, and in many different forms still popular today among the piercing crowd.

Just thought I'd throw that in there.

 

[Rich]

Scott, Dammitall, I wish you weren't so bloody right about our eyes...

Eh? there's nothing wrong with my bloody 'earin!

 

[Rich]

The one part of that that doesn't make sense is "only girls pierced their ears!". Besides the fact that it's obviously false, why would that matter? It has nothing to do with the rest of the post.

Long ago, it was actually only the men that pierced their ears. It was a sign of strength for many ancient and not so ancient civilizations. Samurais, Native Americans, Indians, and even Vikings peirced their ears, and in many different forms still popular today among the piercing crowd.

Just thought I'd throw that in there.

But here we live in the civilised world and only girls should wear dangly things

 

[Vassago]

But here we live in the civilised world and only girls should wear dangly things

Have you been a victim of a "girl" with "dangly things"? Poor Rich, hasn't anyone ever told you to watch out who you buy a drink for?

And I don't get any complaints over my ears or my "dangly things".

 

[oumahexi]

Have you been a victim of a "girl" with "dangly things"?

But I've been a victim of a man's dangly thing

And I don't get any complaints over my ears or my "dangly things".

Dam, you beat me to it

 

[scott-atkinson]

The one part of that that doesn't make sense is "only girls pierced their ears!". Besides the fact that it's obviously false, why would that matter? It has nothing to do with the rest of the post.

Long ago, it was actually only the men that pierced their ears. It was a sign of strength for many ancient and not so ancient civilizations. Samurais, Native Americans, Indians, and even Vikings peirced their ears, and in many different forms still popular today among the piercing crowd.

Just thought I'd throw that in there.

Laugh about it Goddamit not... Don't analyze it

 

[Pauldohert]

But here we live in the civilised world and only girls should wear dangly things

I can't get used to huge fake diamond earings on straight men, presumably they think they look like david beckham, more julian clary most of the time.

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Laugh about it Goddamit not... Don't analyze it

You tell-em Scott!

 

[Vassago]

I can't get used to huge fake diamond earings on straight men, presumably they think they look like david beckham, more julian clary most of the time.

I agree about that one. I can assure everyone I will never have diamonds in my ears.

 

[Vassago]

Laugh about it Goddamit not... Don't analyze it

It was funny, but I didn't grow up that long ago, but I can still relate... lol.

Although I grew up in the Nintendo era, I still spent most of my time as a kid outside with my friends. We used to spend all day long throughout the entire summer playing football and soccer. Sure, we banged ourselves up pretty good, but it was fun.

 

[scott-atkinson]

1.) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

------------ ----- ---- --------- --------- --------- ---------

2) My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


3) Saturday morning I got up early, quickly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the
truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get sooo o stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well
I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"


So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then that leaves six
possibilities. Which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I tol the
woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me," and s he processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, " You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear sh hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


10) A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I rea lly need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started......

 

[Rabbie]

Scott, You seem to be getting into a lot of fights - have you considered an anger management course

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Old man BillyBob goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?" BillyBob says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them." The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian."

A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?" BillyBob says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?" BillyBob says, "He gave him some pills." The banker says, "What kind of pills?" BillyBob says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint. "

 

[MSAccessRookie]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" "

 

[Rich]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

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Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.


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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"


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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"​

 

[MSAccessRookie]

There was a guy in a bar, who was not talking, and just staring at his drink on the counter for over half of an hour.

Suddenly a big truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the counter, and quickly drinks it all down, causing the first man to break down and start crying.

The truck driver responded by saying, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that." The first man said. "This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go in late to my office. My boss was so mad that he fired me. Upon leaving the building to return home, I found that my car had been stolen, and the police told me that they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and I left my wallet and credit cards inside it when I got out at home. The cab driver just drove away. When I went inside the house, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home, came to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison."