What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Alc]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

 

[Alc]

A middle-aged couple had two daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!

 

[DCrake]

Normally treat this as a read only thread however as I am from Burnley and there are many Manchester United fans accross the globe, I thought I would share this video with you.

What Hitler said when he found that Burnly beat Man Utd.

David

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Zoo performer

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

The generous lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

 

[Rich]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a
rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie
were waiting one morning for a
Particularly slow group of golfers in
front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those
blokes? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't
know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move
it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes
George the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic
Priest, 'What's wrong with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't
they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh,
yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving
Our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm
going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he
can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think
I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters
in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f-----g
play at night?'

 

[crazzycat]

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the fucking difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"

 

[scott-atkinson]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.


Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking..


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle..


Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.



Only girls had pierced ears!



We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.



You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...



We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!



RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT



Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.





The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!



Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'



We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !




And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.





PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Scott, Dammitall, I wish you weren't so bloody right about our eyes...

 

[Vassago]

The one part of that that doesn't make sense is "only girls pierced their ears!". Besides the fact that it's obviously false, why would that matter? It has nothing to do with the rest of the post.

Long ago, it was actually only the men that pierced their ears. It was a sign of strength for many ancient and not so ancient civilizations. Samurais, Native Americans, Indians, and even Vikings peirced their ears, and in many different forms still popular today among the piercing crowd.

Just thought I'd throw that in there.

 

[Rich]

Scott, Dammitall, I wish you weren't so bloody right about our eyes...

Eh? there's nothing wrong with my bloody 'earin!

 

[Rich]

The one part of that that doesn't make sense is "only girls pierced their ears!". Besides the fact that it's obviously false, why would that matter? It has nothing to do with the rest of the post.

Long ago, it was actually only the men that pierced their ears. It was a sign of strength for many ancient and not so ancient civilizations. Samurais, Native Americans, Indians, and even Vikings peirced their ears, and in many different forms still popular today among the piercing crowd.

Just thought I'd throw that in there.

But here we live in the civilised world and only girls should wear dangly things

 

[Vassago]

But here we live in the civilised world and only girls should wear dangly things

Have you been a victim of a "girl" with "dangly things"? Poor Rich, hasn't anyone ever told you to watch out who you buy a drink for?

And I don't get any complaints over my ears or my "dangly things".

 

[oumahexi]

Have you been a victim of a "girl" with "dangly things"?

But I've been a victim of a man's dangly thing

And I don't get any complaints over my ears or my "dangly things".

Dam, you beat me to it

 

[scott-atkinson]

The one part of that that doesn't make sense is "only girls pierced their ears!". Besides the fact that it's obviously false, why would that matter? It has nothing to do with the rest of the post.

Long ago, it was actually only the men that pierced their ears. It was a sign of strength for many ancient and not so ancient civilizations. Samurais, Native Americans, Indians, and even Vikings peirced their ears, and in many different forms still popular today among the piercing crowd.

Just thought I'd throw that in there.

Laugh about it Goddamit not... Don't analyze it

 

[Pauldohert]

But here we live in the civilised world and only girls should wear dangly things

I can't get used to huge fake diamond earings on straight men, presumably they think they look like david beckham, more julian clary most of the time.

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Laugh about it Goddamit not... Don't analyze it

You tell-em Scott!

 

[Vassago]

I can't get used to huge fake diamond earings on straight men, presumably they think they look like david beckham, more julian clary most of the time.

I agree about that one. I can assure everyone I will never have diamonds in my ears.

 

[Vassago]

Laugh about it Goddamit not... Don't analyze it

It was funny, but I didn't grow up that long ago, but I can still relate... lol.

Although I grew up in the Nintendo era, I still spent most of my time as a kid outside with my friends. We used to spend all day long throughout the entire summer playing football and soccer. Sure, we banged ourselves up pretty good, but it was fun.

 

[scott-atkinson]

1.) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

------------ ----- ---- --------- --------- --------- ---------

2) My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


3) Saturday morning I got up early, quickly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the
truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get sooo o stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well
I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"


So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then that leaves six
possibilities. Which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I tol the
woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me," and s he processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, " You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear sh hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


10) A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I rea lly need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started......