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- Feb 28, 2001
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Shane, from what you told us, Kate was a true gift, one that keeps on giving with the memory of love, courage, and grace under stress.
This loss is so recent that your emotions have not had time to have settled yet. Don't worry about us. Worry about yourself and Julie. Take care of business. Come back here when you can. But at the moment, you have issues to resolve in your heart of hearts.
One thing I learned about loss might be helpful. Might not, but I'll share it anyway.
When you go through a loss, grieving is a slow process. You'll see something to trigger yet another memory that is incredibly bittersweet. Kate's favorite flower, or a picture. Or that friend Boomer. When you are still freshly wounded from this loss, these things are like tearing away a bandage from a partly healed cut. When you have had time to recall days of less stress, when you are no longer inextricably bound to those last traumatic days, you can remember the smile and the happiness she brought you.
When you reach the ability to look forward again instead of looking back, you have started the healing process. Continually looking back is what makes you feel old. Realize that you still have Julie and keep looking forward to times in which you can enjoy her presence. It is only when you look forward that you don't feel so old. I learned that over a period of 8 or 9 months after Mom died in 1987. Never forgot the lesson. Looking forward lets you feel young again, lets you feel the adventure that is life.
While I would never say to forget Kate, and I know you can't, just don't let your memories of her monopolize your time. Mourn, yes. Grieve, yes. Just don't hate yourself for one day deciding that it is time to go on living. That is not selfish on your part as long as you have other family and friends who care about your well-being. Give yourself permission to move on when it is time to do so. You know Kate would want you to do that.
This loss is so recent that your emotions have not had time to have settled yet. Don't worry about us. Worry about yourself and Julie. Take care of business. Come back here when you can. But at the moment, you have issues to resolve in your heart of hearts.
One thing I learned about loss might be helpful. Might not, but I'll share it anyway.
When you go through a loss, grieving is a slow process. You'll see something to trigger yet another memory that is incredibly bittersweet. Kate's favorite flower, or a picture. Or that friend Boomer. When you are still freshly wounded from this loss, these things are like tearing away a bandage from a partly healed cut. When you have had time to recall days of less stress, when you are no longer inextricably bound to those last traumatic days, you can remember the smile and the happiness she brought you.
When you reach the ability to look forward again instead of looking back, you have started the healing process. Continually looking back is what makes you feel old. Realize that you still have Julie and keep looking forward to times in which you can enjoy her presence. It is only when you look forward that you don't feel so old. I learned that over a period of 8 or 9 months after Mom died in 1987. Never forgot the lesson. Looking forward lets you feel young again, lets you feel the adventure that is life.
While I would never say to forget Kate, and I know you can't, just don't let your memories of her monopolize your time. Mourn, yes. Grieve, yes. Just don't hate yourself for one day deciding that it is time to go on living. That is not selfish on your part as long as you have other family and friends who care about your well-being. Give yourself permission to move on when it is time to do so. You know Kate would want you to do that.
