shabbaranks
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Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9 (Seven Ate Nine, get it?)
A: Because 7 8 9 (Seven Ate Nine, get it?)
What's your best/worst joke? (4 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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shabbaranks
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Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
Sorry guys thats all of my repertoire.
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
Sorry guys thats all of my repertoire.
kevlray
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MrsGorilla
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Just told this one to my 6 yr old daughter last night. Her response?
My 4 yr old thinks it's funny.
Rx_
Nothing In Moderation
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It's a Matter of Perspective
The Colorado Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small Software Programmer company was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.
GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
SOFTWARE PROGRAMMER: "Well, there's my tax consultant who's been with me for three years. I pay him $2000 a week plus expenses and four college graduates that get about $2,500 a week as consultants. Then there's the old mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, has no time to go anywhere or do anything else, and I buy him a big bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
"Oh, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally like one a year when she gets too drunk on New Year’s Eve."
GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
SOFTWARE PROGRAMMER: "That would be me."
The Colorado Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small Software Programmer company was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.
GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
SOFTWARE PROGRAMMER: "Well, there's my tax consultant who's been with me for three years. I pay him $2000 a week plus expenses and four college graduates that get about $2,500 a week as consultants. Then there's the old mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, has no time to go anywhere or do anything else, and I buy him a big bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
"Oh, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally like one a year when she gets too drunk on New Year’s Eve."
GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
SOFTWARE PROGRAMMER: "That would be me."
Jacob Mathai
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"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
---------------------
President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.'' —Jay Leno
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
---------------------
President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.'' —Jay Leno
Jacob Mathai
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
Jacob Mathai
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Canadian Farm
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.
Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.
Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
scott-atkinson
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1.)A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese go into a bar and order a drink. Who picks up the bill?
A German.
2.) The Eurozone credit ratings are like a frying pan.
Greece at the bottom...
3.) Oh dear. The eurozone's Facebook page has changed its currency status from ‘single’ to ‘it's complicated’.
4.) NEWS FLASH: Greece has approached the IMF for a €60bn loan after they were turned down by Wonga
5.) The eurozone leaders are looking for a stimulus package. Silvio Berlusconi suggests two Viagra and a Red Bull.
6.) My wife misunderstood my son when he asked for some Play-Doh for Christmas. She got him a load of euros.
7.) Q: How do you know it's going to be a double-dip recession?
A: Greek exports of taramosalata and tzatziki have plunged.
8.) Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
10.) Breaking news: The eurozone financial crisis will soon be over as Greece has received an unconditional €100bn bailout offer.
All they have to do is email their account details to the anonymous daughter of wealthy, but deceased African general...
A German.
2.) The Eurozone credit ratings are like a frying pan.
Greece at the bottom...
3.) Oh dear. The eurozone's Facebook page has changed its currency status from ‘single’ to ‘it's complicated’.
4.) NEWS FLASH: Greece has approached the IMF for a €60bn loan after they were turned down by Wonga
5.) The eurozone leaders are looking for a stimulus package. Silvio Berlusconi suggests two Viagra and a Red Bull.
6.) My wife misunderstood my son when he asked for some Play-Doh for Christmas. She got him a load of euros.
7.) Q: How do you know it's going to be a double-dip recession?
A: Greek exports of taramosalata and tzatziki have plunged.
8.) Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
10.) Breaking news: The eurozone financial crisis will soon be over as Greece has received an unconditional €100bn bailout offer.
All they have to do is email their account details to the anonymous daughter of wealthy, but deceased African general...
Vassago
Former Staff Turned AWF Retiree
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Jacob Mathai
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New Year resolution joke on family priority:
“Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece.”
“Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece.”
Jacob Mathai
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The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up one of the clerks on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent,
the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.
After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.
The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the big delay.
The clerk replies, "Boss when I went to the elevator it said 'During an emergency please use the staircase'".
the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.
After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.
The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the big delay.
The clerk replies, "Boss when I went to the elevator it said 'During an emergency please use the staircase'".
scott-atkinson
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IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
scott-atkinson
I'm with the Witch.......
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Below is proof that William Shakespeare was really born and bred in the Black Country in the West Midlands and not in Stratford-Upon-Avon as is the popular belief.. His plays were converted into old english so the entire world could benefit, but recently a very old original verse from Henry viii has surfaced providing proof of Williams true heritage...
Below is a verse from Henry viii in it's converted Old English form...
Love thyself last; cherish those hearts that hate thee; Corruption wins not more than honesty.
Still in thy right hand carry gentle peace
To silence envious tongues. Be just, and fear not;
Let all the ends thou aim'st at be thy country's,
Thy God's, and truth's; then, if thou fall'st, O Cromwell, Thou fall'st a blessed martyr!
Serve the King, and-prithee lead me in.
There take an inventory of all I have
To the last penny; 'tis the King's. My robe,
And my integrity to heaven, is all
I dare now call mine own. O Cromwell, Cromwell!
Had I but serv'd my God with half the zeal
I serv'd my King, he would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies.
And now it's original Black Country form...
Love mae last, cherish thowm hearts that cor stand me; corruption is a winner nowt more than the truth.
in my right mitt i'll carry alreet peace
To sharrap down right orrible gobs, be yowaself and bugger em
Let all the ends yow'm aiming at by yowars
Im upstairs and the the honesty, then if yow trip up on Cromwell, yow'll fall a bleeding hypocondriac
Listen to the main un's and pretend to follow em
Then mek a list of all yowa belongings
Daaan to the last penny, it ay the king's it's bleeding mine
And my god's honest truth will get me in the pearly gates
What's mine's mine and what's yowa's is mine an all, bleeding Cromwell, Cromwell
I've fought like a tiger for im upstairs
I've done what I could and i'm naa showing me age
Naa I'm neked and all me enemies can see me bits
Below is a verse from Henry viii in it's converted Old English form...
Love thyself last; cherish those hearts that hate thee; Corruption wins not more than honesty.
Still in thy right hand carry gentle peace
To silence envious tongues. Be just, and fear not;
Let all the ends thou aim'st at be thy country's,
Thy God's, and truth's; then, if thou fall'st, O Cromwell, Thou fall'st a blessed martyr!
Serve the King, and-prithee lead me in.
There take an inventory of all I have
To the last penny; 'tis the King's. My robe,
And my integrity to heaven, is all
I dare now call mine own. O Cromwell, Cromwell!
Had I but serv'd my God with half the zeal
I serv'd my King, he would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies.
And now it's original Black Country form...
Love mae last, cherish thowm hearts that cor stand me; corruption is a winner nowt more than the truth.
in my right mitt i'll carry alreet peace
To sharrap down right orrible gobs, be yowaself and bugger em
Let all the ends yow'm aiming at by yowars
Im upstairs and the the honesty, then if yow trip up on Cromwell, yow'll fall a bleeding hypocondriac
Listen to the main un's and pretend to follow em
Then mek a list of all yowa belongings
Daaan to the last penny, it ay the king's it's bleeding mine
And my god's honest truth will get me in the pearly gates
What's mine's mine and what's yowa's is mine an all, bleeding Cromwell, Cromwell
I've fought like a tiger for im upstairs
I've done what I could and i'm naa showing me age
Naa I'm neked and all me enemies can see me bits
Feeling anxious, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, in pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you're lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long, hot bath?"
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, in pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you're lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long, hot bath?"
