What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Jacob Mathai]

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:-"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

[oumahexi]

alittle three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
his mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
the little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.
but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
his mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while".
billy says: "i'm fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet. "
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.
but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
billy says: "it works on the tomato sauce bottle!"

 

[mitchem1]

A 3-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon. He slides up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

 

[dpw204]

- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

[aladrach]

What do you call a paraplegic in the water?
Bob.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

[Alc]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-best-of-chemistry-cat

 

[Galaxiom]

So is the joke something to do with the site opening multiple tabs in your browser. Don't know what they were because I killed them before they loaded.

Recommend staying away from that link.

 

[Alc]

So is the joke something to do with the site opening multiple tabs in your browser. Don't know what they were because I killed them before they loaded.

Recommend staying away from that link.

Sorry, it didn't do that on my PC.

Edit: Just went back and still no pop-ups. Took a while to load, but that was all. What I thought was funny were jokes along the following lines:

 

[Big Pat]

Now those are funny!!

 

[Alc]

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-guy-whos-fixing-your-computer-hates-you/

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A church committee proposes to buy a chandelier to brighten up its worship area. At voting time, an influential committee member puts his foot down firmly and opposes the plan. He says, "I strongly object to this, and I have three good reasons for my objection. First, no one here knows how to spell the word correctly so how are we going to order it? Second, even if we fix the spelling issue and place the order, when it arrives there is no one in this church who knows how to play it. And thirdly, folks, if you would open your eyes and look around, the real need in this church right now is for some more lighting."

 

[and1_hotsauce]

Why was the stationmaster's son having a cake on a train seat?

It was his berth-day.

 

[ByteMyzer]

On the Vagueness of English

The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like $#!+."

 

[Brianwarnock]

.

Surely I'm not the only person that thinks this kind of joke is in poor taste?

Brian

Edit by Rabbie (Moderator). This joke was judged to be in poor taste and has been deleted.

 

[speakers_86]

Surely I'm not the only person that thinks this kind of joke is in poor taste?

Brian

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Improve your memory power

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."

Playing violin

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

He called a plumber

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Pecans at the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

 

[shabbaranks]

Whats brown and sticky....

A stick!