What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

[NauticalGent]

 

[NauticalGent]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

[NauticalGent]

No words needed...

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[NauticalGent]

Not really a joke but I couldnt think of anywhere else to put it...

 

[Dick7Access]

Not really a joke but I couldnt think of anywhere else to put it...

View attachment 89495

You just busted my bubble!

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

AB, alternation of attention as a way to create illusory images is a well-known and highly appreciate art form. If you DIDN'T see an alternative visualization, Sigmund Freud himself would have to come back from the dead to talk to you.

 

[NauticalGent]

I had it right the first time....

 

[NauticalGent]

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

 

[AccessBlaster]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!

 

[moke123]

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

An Englishman was transporting a van load of monkeys to the zoo when his van broke down.

He pulled into a lay-by and was stood there wondering what to do when another van pulled in behind him. He went up to the van and the driver, an Irishman said what's the trouble mate?

He said I'm taking these monkeys to the zoo, but the vans broken down.

Hey, said the English man, if I give you £60 would you take the monkeys to the Zoo.

To be sure, to be sure, said the Irishman.

The Irish man headed off to the zoo and the Englishman waited for the mechanic.

The Mechanic fixed the van and the Englishman continued on his journey. Then he saw, coming the other way the Irish man in his van, still full of monkeys!

The Englishman did a U-turn, chased after the Irishman, eventually stopped him and he said, why didn't you take the monkeys to the zoo?

I did said the Irishman, we had £30 left so we decided to go to the cinema!

 

[AccessBlaster]

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

her/she

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Statistics show that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

 

[Dick7Access]

What question can not be answered by YES?

 

[The_Doc_Man]

UG, your comment reminded me of a little bit of byplay that occurred in our office. One day, a desktop machine was acting up and its user, W, said out loud, "I'm not happy." My response was, "Well, you guys know I'm Doc so that leaves us five choices for W." Someone else chimed in to say "He doesn't sound sleepy, and he has never been bashful a day in his life. That leaves us 3 choices." And of course, a government guy responded, "He didn't sneeze when he said what he said. By process of elimination I can tell you he is either dopey or grumpy." W was quite for the rest of the day.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

What question can not be answered by YES?

"Hey buddy, are you dead?"

Or, to be more precise, if you GET an affirmative answer, you should be allowed to dispute it.

 

[Dick7Access]

"Hey buddy, are you dead?"

Or, to be more precise, if you GET an affirmative answer, you should be allowed to dispute it.

here is another one.
Are you sleeping?

 

[kevlray]

A start of a number of late night conversations. "Honey, are you asleep?" and in your mind "I was".