What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Uncle Gizmo]

Norwegian sausages are Deer....

 

[bob fitz]

I've bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. Of course, it's not her main present.

It's only a stocking filler.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[kevlray]

So a guy goes into a hardware store that he frequents. The store owner asks how he is doing. The guy says that he has been using a axe to cut down a lot of trees and it taking forever and wearing him out. So the store owner shows him a new chain saw that should make it a lot easier and faster. The guy buys the chain saw and goes home. The next day the guy comes back and throws the chain saw on the counter saying it is twice as much work as using an axe. The store owner is confused and apologized and wonder what is wrong. So he takes the chain saw and pulls on the rope and the saw starts right up. The guy is startled and says WHATS THAT NOISE!!!!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

@kevlray - an oldie but a goodie!

 

[bob fitz]

Did you know that 97% of the world's population are stupid?

Fortunately, I'm one of the other 5%

 

[kevlray]

I would like to think I am the 5% category, but some days I wonder if I am!!!

 

[CJ_London]

a sign in a local pub

I used to be indecisive.....
.....but now I'm not so sure

 

[bob fitz]

I tried to make a pandemic joke a while back.

Nobody laughed at the time.....
But eventually....

Everyone got it.

 

[CJ_London]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

 

[CJ_London]

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,


'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[bob fitz]

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.....

She gave me a hug

 

[bob fitz]

Three weeks ago, I sent my hearing aid in for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

 

[AccessBlaster]

Pre-covid I coughed to hide a fart, now I fart to hide my cough

 

[The_Doc_Man]

AB, I just use my farts to assure social distancing.

Though it doesn't work on actual COVID victims who have lost their sense of smell.

For which, in my case, they are thankful.

 

[kevlray]

I may have told this before, but here it goes. So an old lady goes into a doctor and tells him that she is farting all the time, but they do not smell and they make no noise. So the doctor prescribed her some pills and told her to come back in a week. A week later at the doctor's office, the lady tells the doctor tells him now her farts smell horrible. The doctor says 'Good, now we fixed your sense of smell, lets see if we can fix your hearing'.

 

[oldaf294]

Dug from the archives (where it probably should have stayed ??)!

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me!”?

Well, it just so happens to have originated with the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open and, much to his surprise, there stood a beautiful woman..

A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

Shocked, the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

 

[NauticalGent]

A weathered, old cowboy walked into a barbershop one day. He told the barber, “I can’t get all these whiskers off anymore. My face is too wrinkled from years out in the sun.”

The barber reached over and picked up a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf. The barber told the old cowboy, “put this in your mouth and press it up against your cheek with your tongue to spread out the skin.”

After the barber had finished his shave, the old cowboy he felt of his now whisker free cheek, and smiled. He told the barber, “That was the cleanest shave I’ve had in years.” He paused for a moment and then said, “I do have one question though. What would have happened if I had accidentally swallowed that little ball?”

The barber replied, “Everything comes out in the end. You would have just brought it back in a few days like everyone else has.”

 

[Isaac]

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,


'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

2nd to last line should've been the punchline. LOL