What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

Two work friends walk into a bar. The first said I got in touch with my inner self this morning. The second said is that so and the response was I told my wife never to buy that cheap toilet paper again.
 
This is probably a repeat, but Cronk's entry invites this one:

Two hunters were out in the woods. One of them says "I've got to poop but we don't have any toilet paper." His friend says, "Well, hell, just wipe your bum with a dollar." A few minutes later the first guy says, "That's the last time I'll take YOUR advice. Now my hand is covered with crap and I have four quarters stuck where the sun don't shine."
 
Given that the subject matter was pretty crappy, I don't think you could have expected an elegant joke, Adam.
 
The best response is <<pbbtttt>> a.k.a. "wet raspberry"
 
A few days ago it was a neighbours 40th birthday and her husband had asked what she wanted

‘something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds’ was the reply

on the day of her birthday she stepped outside her front door…


…only to find a set of bathroom scales on the driveway

her husband hasn’t been since….
 
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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, drinking shot after shot of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
 
Tom had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in the Scottish highlands as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Hi, my name's Harry, your neighbour from forty miles up the road...Having Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 7 o'clock..."

"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks............Thank you."

As Harry is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'".
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Harry stops. More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Harry turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there; by the way, what should I wear?"
Harry stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
 
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