What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Dick7Access]

January 1 2013
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT


Hillary Clinton, Was sworn in today as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.


FIRST NIGHT Suddenly! The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about
that."

SECOND NIGHT The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve mycountry?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."



THIRD NIGHT On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my
country?"

Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

 

[Brianwarnock]

CODE PRESENTED IN 100% Recycled Pixels

So was the joke

Sorry RX_ I couldn't resist it

Brian

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: New Neighbor

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son,
Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were
waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the
house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our
baseball is in their living room!"

 

[pmonaghan]

Horse walks into a bar... ouch.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Firehouse Training Session

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled
around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull
up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves,
blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this
tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft
situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead
heard from one quick wit:

"You got the right place."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Give a Man a Fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat all day.

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing
equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel
1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold
water so he can try to outsmart a fish.

Average cost per fish: $395.68

 

[Dick7Access]

THE ADVANTAGES OF HAVING DOGS (VS. KIDS)

~ It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
~ Dogs cannot lie.
~ Dogs never resist nap time.
~ You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
~ Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
~ Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
~ Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
~ Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
~ Average cost of sending a dog to school: $142
Average cost of sending a kid to school: $103,000

 

[Rabbie]

Seemingly the Somali team has withdrawn from the Olympics.They didn't realise that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

 

[recyan]

That's not fair, Rabbie, but all the same it's a beauty.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Bumpers

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman
trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in
front, then backed up and hit the car behind her. This went on about
two minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined.
She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

 

[Dick7Access]

A woman goes to the Doctor with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does nothing …it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

 

[Dick7Access]

Boudreaux's Change of Heart

Boudreaux suddenly he done quit drinking, took hisself a bath, quit chasing dem women, even quit his poker games and begun to helping around town.
He started cutting da grass at da church, even painted it and was faithful to be da first one what got there on Sundays!
Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change dat done overtooken him.
Boudreaux explained, "I heard 'Crisis in da Gulf' and if He’s dat close, I wanna be good to go!!

To get the full gist if this you need to know what a Cajun is. When I preach in LA they call me a misplace Cajun, or a Yankee Cajun.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Are You Hurt?

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car
smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the
driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

 

[Dick7Access]

While visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night, I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, Dad,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my i-Pad.'

I can tell you, that pesky fly never knew what hit him ...


​

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Pretty Dress

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners.

"Pretty dress," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really
think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

He smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by
answering questions like that?"

 

[Dick7Access]

A guy was telling his buddy, you won't believe what happened last night...

My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop.

Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."

"Holy smoke", replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said...

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President Obama's reelection campaign."





--

 

[Isskint]

3 jokes i have just heard and wanted to share the pleasure (?pain) with you all.

2 eskimo's in a kayak paddling around looking for dinner. As it was a bit cold they decided to light a fire and promptly burnt a hole in their kayak and sank; the moral of the tale is "You can not have your kayak and heat it":banghead:

3 ducks walk into a bar. The barman says to the first
BM: Well hello, a duck, whats your name, what you been doing?.
Duck: "I'm Eric and i have been in and out of puddles all day. I mean what more can a duck want in life."
BM: Great, happy for you. What can i get you?
Duck1: A pint would be great
BM: And you, 2nd duck, hello, whats your name, what you been doing?
Duck2: I'm Bert and i have been in and out of puddles all day also. I mean what more could any duck want in life?
BM: Great, happy for you. What can i get you?
Duck2: A pint would be great also, thanks.
BM: And you, 3rd duck, hello, whats your name, what you been doing?
Duck3: My names Puddles!!!!

I saw a black cab in London today with spots all over it. I think it was an ackney cab

 

[Dick7Access]

Fred called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of the Trough.

Secretary: How rude! I'll have you know we would NEVER EVER refer to our pastor as a hog.

Fred: Okay, then just take a message. Tell him I've come into a bit of money so I was calling to give your church $10,000.

Secretary: Well hold the phone, dearie! I think I see that big fat pig coming down the hall right now.

 

[Libre]

A guy is out hunting with his friend.
All of a sudden, friend turns blue and falls to the ground motionless.
Guy calls 911 on cell phone.

Guy: I'm out in the woods and my friend just fell over and died!!!
911 Operator: Sir, don't panic. Stay calm.
Guy: Well, what should I do?
911: first, I want you to make sure that your friend is really dead.
Guy: okay - just a minute...

911 operator hears a loud BANG through the phone.

Guy: okay, now what?

 

[Libre]

Guy is looking for a parking space.
He is DESPERATE for a parking space.
Not normally a religious man, he is so desperate he begins to pray.
PLEASE GOD - if you can just grant me a parking space, I'll give up drinking and I'll go to church every Sunday.

Just then, a spot opens up right in front him.

Man to God: Never mind, Lord - I found one myself.