What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Wired for Sound

(Note: This is set before wireless was popular)

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord
as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord
and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several more turns and jerks, a little girl in the third pew
leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

 

[Dick7Access]

General Petraeus wife was being interview and the news reporter ask her if she was bitter at her husband’s antics. She replied that no, when I her of his infidelity I prayed forgive him Lord as he knows not what he did. The interview said that is very generous of you. She said I even prayed that God would cure him from leprosy. The interview said he doesn’t have leprosy. She said, I am not finish praying yet.

 

[Dick7Access]

Telegram
From: Bin Laden
To: Faithful Followers
Indeed 72 Virgins await you STOP be advised no bodily openings STOP many other followers already here STOP much weeping

 

[BigHappyDaddy]

Originally Posted by Rx_
There are only 1 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

Clearly this one was passed on by someone who doesn't understand binary.

The version I have heard is:

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand this message and those that don't.
​

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: An Irish Toast

A guy raises his glass and toasts his girlfriend. "May you be in
Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?"

"That is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

"That's French toast."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Thanksgiving Break Up

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees, “All right.”

The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”

 

[phoenix]

An important message from our president to his supporters!

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM OUR PRESIDENT TO HIS SUPPORTERS!

نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدنيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيستنور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خير ه ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيس ت نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نم ي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ننور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست ن نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر
If I hear more, I'll let you know

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Finding Her Place

On her way back from the movie intermission, a blonde asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”

Man hoping for an apology said, “Indeed you did.”

Blonde nodded, and said, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”

 

[Brianwarnock]

The version I have heard is:

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand this message and those that don't.
​

The correct joke that cannot be spoken is

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't .

Unless of course bighappydaddy's is a subtle one between programmers.

Brian

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Guest Speaker

We recently had a guest speaker at our church. He is from India, part
of an organization that our church supports.

Before he started his sermon, he asked if anyone had called any
customer support numbers recently.

When several people in the congregation raised their hands, he said, "That's

 

[BigHappyDaddy]

The correct joke that cannot be spoken is

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't .

Unless of course bighappydaddy's is a subtle one between programmers.

Brian

I know I said "heard", but I in fact first saw it written on a white board in our business system manager's office. A friend of mine and I had walked into the manager's office to ask a question. I saw the message on the board, starting laughing right away. The manager looked at me and said "I knew you would get it!". We turned to my friend. After he had read it 4 or 5 times and still shaking his head, we explained the "10" was binary. So yes, I love the fact that this joke is a subtle joke, understand by a "select few". I have a copy of it posted on my cubicle wall.

 

[molsen123]

Yesterday I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, I got some great wedding presents!

 

[molsen123]

Today, my wife told me she had a head cold. I said, "its probably because you are so fat". "How can being fat cause a cold?", she asked.

"Because your heads never out of the fridge"

 

[Dick7Access]

Today, my wife told me she had a head cold. I said, "its probably because you are so fat". "How can being fat cause a cold?", she asked.

"Because your heads never out of the fridge"

Where did that guy sleep that night?

 

[Isskint]

What is grey, has 4 legs and sings the blues?

Elephants Gerald



Can you make anything from the annagram ON?




A work colleague asked me "Are you going to put the Xmas tree up yourself?"
Hmmm, i told him, in no uncertain tone, "NO, i shall put it up in the lounge as normal!!"

 

[Dick7Access]

What is grey, has 4 legs and sings the blues?

Elephants Gerald



Can you make anything from the annagram ON?




A work colleague asked me "Are you going to put the Xmas tree up yourself?"
Hmmm, i told him, in no uncertain tone, "NO, i shall put it up in the lounge as normal!!"

Come on please the guy, it will only hurt for a little while!!!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Puppies

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic
for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under
one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated
ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and
moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I
noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's
head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they needed be
baptized, too."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Jury Questions

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to
submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.

"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.

"And how did that turn out?"

"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Used Car

My wife had just bought a five-year-old car. The first time I drove
it, I told her something seemed to be wrong with the suspension.

I parked the car and then proceeded to give it a "shock test." I
clasped one hand over the other, squared my shoulders, pushed down
with all my weight on one corner and quickly released it to see if it
bounced more than once. I repeated this several times.

A pedestrian standing behind me observed, "I doubt that even CPR
could start that car."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"