What's your best/worst joke? (53 Viewers)

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Late for Work

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new
employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that
her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had
noticed that she was walking in late every day.

After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a
problem and even offered a solution. "Is there another door
I could use?"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I told her : Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whiskey, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Morals:
1. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.

 

[namliam]

Man comes home from work and ask's his wife:
"Hunny, what would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife: "I would take half and find me a nice boy toy!"
Husband: "Here is 15 euro, good luck with that"

 

[Rx_]

For those of you who invest, here are the latest Mergers and the new names:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
FedEx is expected to join its competitor UPS and become: FedUP.
Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Classified Ad

... from the local newspaper ...

2012 Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000

This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had
its 500 mile dealer service.

It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the
ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it
because it was purchased without proper consent of a
loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want" doesn't
mean what I thought. Call Steve. 555-1212

 

[Jacob Mathai]

My Brother-In-Law
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Running Away From Home

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child
rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes,
his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced,
"I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
"What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.

"And what if you run out of money?"

"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes
get dirty?"

"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running
away from home, he's going off to college!!"

 

[avcastner]

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

a golden retriever

(P.S. I'm blonde, so I'm only hurting myself with this one.)

 

[Dick7Access]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

British Airways Captain Announces Smooth Flight


Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"




Silence followed.





Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"






From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......







"For the luva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

 

[MichaelSmith]

Cleopatra says to her attendant “I’d love to take a milk bath”
Attendant “Pasteurized?”
Cleopatra “No, just up to my neck”

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Colorful Meal

Over dinner, the mom explained the health benefits of a
colorful meal to her family.

"The more colors, the more variety of nutrients,"
she told them. Pointing to the food, she asked,
"How many different colors do you see?"

"Six," volunteered the son. "Seven if you count
the burned parts."

My wife said the same thing about color, so I went out and bought a case of M&M''s. Some woman are hard to please.

 

[MichaelSmith]

Why are archaeologists greedy?
A : We want archaic… and eat it!

 

[Libre]

Descartes walks into a bar.
Bartender says - what'll ya have?
D: I'll have a martini.
B: You want an olive in that?
D: I think not.
Descartes disappears.


i says to Pi: Be rational.
Pi replies to i: Get real.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Icemaker

When the icemaker in our new refrigerator broke, my husband
dropped by the store to arrange for repairs. Because the sun
was bright, his eyes hadn't adjusted to the dim light inside
in time to see a woman sitting on the floor examining carpet
samples.

He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing him to jump
into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in
every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service
desk, and as he went to rest his hands on the counter, he
flipped over a bowl full of little mints, scattering them
everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to
the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't
work."

"I don't doubt it," she replied.

 

[CJ_London]

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris .


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..



ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ..... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.


.......and brilliant minds such as these voted in a General Election to determine our future !!!!!!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Reimbursement Check

Having driven members of the girls' volleyball team
to an out-of-town game, I was waiting for my daughter's
high school to reimburse me for the gas.

Days passed, until one afternoon I found shreds of
paper in the washing machine after doing the laundry.
Looking closely, I saw it had been a check.

When asked, my daughter realized she'd forgotten to
give it to me, and reluctantly agreed to go to the office
and explain what had happened.

They issued another check, placed in a zip-top bag with
a note: "Please leave in bag when washing."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Odd Noise

Heavy snow had buried a woman's van in their
driveway. Her husband dug around the wheels,
rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed
her free.

A short while later, while on the road, she heard
an odd noise coming from under the van. Concerned,
she got on her cell phone and called home.

"Thank God you answered," she said when her husband
picked up.

"There's this alarming sound coming under the van.
For a minute I thought I was dragging you down the
highway."

In a shocked voice, her husband replied,
"And you didn't stop?!"

 

[Libre]

Warning - not exactly safe for work or little kids. Cleaned it up just a little but there is only so much I can do with this one.

Superman feels a little randy - so he flies over to Lois Lane's apartment for a little action.
He flies in her bedroom window, and she's lying on back with Batman on top of her.
Damn - too late! - Superman thinks, and flies off, thinking he would come back the following day.
Next day he arrives a bit earlier.
Now the Flash is atop Lois.
What a little slut! - Superman thinks - I'll have to get here really early tomorrow!
The following day Superman gets there 2 hours earlier. He finds Lois naked on the bed face up.
Now's my chance! - Soupie thinks. He jumps on and starts banging away.

When all finished, he asks Lois what she thought of his performance.
She replies - how should I know? You just boffed the Invisible Man up the rear end!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Whole World

I packed the car and gathered our daughters for
a visit to my sister's house . On my way out the
door, my husband, who wasn't going, said: "Be
very careful ... my whole world is in that car!"

Later, during lunch, I repeated the words of my
sentimental and loving husband to my sister,
and my oldest daughter cracked, "Yeah, Dad's
golf clubs are in the trunk!"