What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Egg Broke

One morning my sister woke up to see her two-year-old son standing
beside her bed. He said "Egg broke." She promptly scolded him. "How
many times have I told you not to touch the eggs?"

His immediate reply was "One, two, three..." as he pointed to a
finger with each number.

Of course, the scolding was immediately over as she tried to stifle
the laughter!

 

[Mr Wolf]

Two parrots on a perch, on parrot says to the other “can you smell fish?”
and

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog

 

[jeremy.lankenau]

This is my dad joke, so it qualifies as both my best and worst joke:

What's Darth Vader's favorite food?

Coooo kiiieee

 

[KpAtch3s]

I plan to live forever, so far so good.

 

[Rx_]

The first two letters in Pun is PU
-I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

 

[Dick7Access]

The first two letters in Pun is PU
-I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Very Good!

 

[Rx_]

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in Denver's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

[Dick7Access]

[FONT=&quot]5 surgeons![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]patients to operate on.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]on my operating table because when you open them up, everything[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]inside is numbered.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]a few parts left over.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine..[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Plus, the head and the lower end are interchangeable.[/FONT]

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

You know the joke about the pedophile, walking hand in hand with a little boy to the woods. The little boy is afraid and says, Mr "I'm scared" and the man says it's alright for you, I've got to walk back on my own! Now I realise this joke is not to modern taste, however I mention it, not really as a joke but to make an observation.

I have just finished reading Isaac Asimov's book "Pebble in the sky" published in 1950. It is about a society on a future version of Earth where resources are very low and euthanasia is forced at the age of 60. A son is discussing his fathers euthanasia day, a sort of ceremony akin to a wedding. He is explaining to his audience that it was raining heavily not a good sign, as he took his father to the euthanasia Centre on a motorbike. They both got soaked! His father was complaining because he had got wet, his son said it's alright for you, I've got to go back! I wonder if this joke format goes back even further than 1950?

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Ah, yes... "Pebble in the Sky" - one of the precursors to the Foundation Trilogy if I recall it correctly. It has been literally decades since I read that one. Another great Asimov work was "Galaxies like Grains of Sand" - which DEFINITELY was a Foundation precursor.

Then again, the second Foundation Trilogy ends by tying together the Asimov robot series with the Foundation series because it has a place for R Daneel Olivaw, who was the robot detective.

It also explains what happened to that "Pebble in the Sky" future version of Earth after star travel led to massive emigration from an exhausted world.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

I think the first library book I read was the time machine by HG Wells, the second currents of space by Isaac Asimov. I'm trying to write a science fiction story and I've got the story in my head, I've done a few thousand words and I'm finding it very difficult to work out its construction so I'm reading sci-fi books with the view of learning how they are put together.

I don't remember the story of pebble in the sky but I know I read it when I was a boy or teenager because I read everything Isaac Asimov had! It's a fantastic story well worth a read. I think the ending loses its way slightly but otherwise it was brilliant... I understand it was his first published book although he had wrote many articles for sci-fi magazines previously.

 

[Dick7Access]

I think the first library book I read was the time machine by HG Wells, the second currents of space by Isaac Asimov. I'm t.

Wow! first book I read was "See Dick, see Jane Run"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Crow Mystery Solved

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200
dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that
they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the
remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during
the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints
appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by
impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there
was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills
versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when
crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby
tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the
lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I don't remember when it is supposed to start, but there is an incredible short story from Asimov called "Childhood's End" that is supposedly going to cable as a three-part mini-series. It is an interesting viewpoint of what would happen if mankind were to actually "grow up" (hence the title) with regard to things that go bump in the night. The fun part is HOW they grow up, and it presents an interesting alternative take on the origins of our cultural demon images and the "Rapture" concept, too.

I can't wait!

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Sounds good! I'm currently watching Jessica Jones on Netflix. It's very good, sort of like "Hero's"...

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: At the Gas Station

I was pulling into a gas station one day when I saw a woman drive off
with the nozzle still in her gas tank. She jerked the nozzle right
off the hose. Realizing what she had done, she pulled back in, took
the nozzle out of the tank, and put it back on the pump. Then she
went inside to straighten things out with the management.

While she was inside, a young man pulled up to the pump. He took the
nozzle, with no hose attached, putting it into his tank. He couldn't
seem to figure out why he wasn't getting any gas. He even took the
nozzle out and repositioned it in the tank a couple times.

I thought about pointing out the obvious problem to him but then
decided that he'd be embarrassed enough when he figured it out on his own.

AND THESE PEOPLE VOTE!

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

A business meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
and the hours are lost.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Ice Warning

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's
Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests
near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable.

Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run
into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short
way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign:

ICE 10 MILES

Five miles farther on, there was another sign:

ICE 5 MILES

The next one was

ICE 1/2 MILE

We practically crept that half-mile. Finally we came to the
last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read:

ICE 75 CENTS

 

[Dick7Access]

The Italian Man of His House With his Italian wife!

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
You Can Be The Man of Your House .

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, we're going upstairs
And we'll have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His Sicilian wife Nancy replied,
"The local funeral director would be my first guess".

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: On the Scale

When children come in to the doctor's office where I work, it's my
job to weigh and measure them.

After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened
three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a
scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."

Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on
the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, darn!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Guided Tour

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years......."