What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

How to measure a flag pole
Two Irishmen were standing at a flag pole looking up the height.
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing. Paddy said, "We've got to get the height of the flag pole, but we havn’t got a ladder.
The blonde opened her bag and took out an adjustable spanner, removed the bolts and laid the flag pole down. Then she got her tape measure out of her pocket and took the measurement of the pole, she announced that it was 18'feet 6' inches. And she walked away.
Mick said to Paddy,"Isn't that just like a blonde, we needed the height and she gives us the bloody length"
 
A lady is out walking her dog when a man stops to talk.
"What's your dog's name?" he asks
"Achilles", replies the woman. "He does all kinds of tricks."
"Achilles, what a great name for a dog!"

He laughs to himself after a second and says "Hey, I just thought of something funny".
He looks at the dog and says "Achilles, heel!"
The dog doesn't react, it just stares at him.

"Oh" says the man. "That was...disappointing. I thought you said he does tricks."
"Not that one." she replies. "It's his one weak spot".
 
A pretty blonde woman asks her Cajun friend about where to find alligators because she wants a pair of alligator shoes. Her friend describes a place deep in the swamp. The blonde goes with her friend in a boat, goes out into the deepest, darkest, dankest part of the swamp, sees an alligator, and jumps in after it. She wrestles the alligator until she breaks its neck, brings the 9-foot gator in the boat, and then says, "Aw, damn!"

Two minutes later she sees another gator bigger than the first. In the water she goes, chokes this one to death, and brings it into the boat, but again says, "Darn the bad luck!"

This goes on for about two hours. Time after time, she brings gators in the boat, curses, and searches for another gator. Her friend tags the gators according to state law on gator hunting and watches incredulously as the blonde kills a 12-foot gator with her bare hands. She brings it into the boat, says "I've never had such bad luck," and sits dejectedly among a pile of at least a dozen huge gators.

Her friend says, "You know, this is the kind of hunting day that Cajuns only dream about and here you are, sad. What's wrong?"

The blonde says, "I've been wanting alligator shoes for the longest time, but every damned gator I've brought in has been barefoot."
 
Q: What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination?

A: Haaaannnnnd eyyyeeeeee………...
 
College Engineering Nerd Booty Call:
Miss, I need some help with my calculus. Can I demonstrate how you would integrate my natural log?
 
Everything from Facebook to Murder Rates in NYC.
The data we all help gather shows everything in the world is somehow related. :confused:
That is why they pay data people the big bucks. The data supports the IPO!!

etc_correlation50__01__960.jpg
 
Last edited:
Goes to show you. You can prove almost anything with the right sets of data. :-)
 
GCF: Washing Machine

Grandma and Grandpa purchased a new front loading washer and dryer.

The grandchildren were impressed with all the "bells and whistles."

Grandma was looking for them one day. They had taken their little
chairs into the laundry room and were watching the clothes in the
washer and dryer.

When asked what they were doing they said, "We're watching the
laundry channel."
 
GCF: Egg Broke

One morning my sister woke up to see her two-year-old son standing
beside her bed. He said "Egg broke." She promptly scolded him. "How
many times have I told you not to touch the eggs?"

His immediate reply was "One, two, three..." as he pointed to a
finger with each number.

Of course, the scolding was immediately over as she tried to stifle
the laughter!
 
Two parrots on a perch, on parrot says to the other “can you smell fish?”
and

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog
 
This is my dad joke, so it qualifies as both my best and worst joke:

What's Darth Vader's favorite food?

Coooo kiiieee
 
The first two letters in Pun is PU
-I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
 
Rx_ said:
The first two letters in Pun is PU
-I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Click to expand...

Very Good!
 
I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in Denver's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
 
[FONT=&quot]5 surgeons![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]patients to operate on.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]on my operating table because when you open them up, everything[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]inside is numbered.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]a few parts left over.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine..[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Plus, the head and the lower end are interchangeable.[/FONT]
 
Ah, yes... "Pebble in the Sky" - one of the precursors to the Foundation Trilogy if I recall it correctly. It has been literally decades since I read that one. Another great Asimov work was "Galaxies like Grains of Sand" - which DEFINITELY was a Foundation precursor.

Then again, the second Foundation Trilogy ends by tying together the Asimov robot series with the Foundation series because it has a place for R Daneel Olivaw, who was the robot detective.

It also explains what happened to that "Pebble in the Sky" future version of Earth after star travel led to massive emigration from an exhausted world.
 
GCF: Crow Mystery Solved

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200
dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that
they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the
remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during
the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints
appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by
impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there
was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills
versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when
crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby
tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the
lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
 
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