What's your best/worst joke?

[CJ_London]

Researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Love the governmentium one. I had to look up pillock though.
I guess that an atom with no protons has nothing positive about it?

P.S. which govt has 312 members? British is 650?

 

[CJ_London]

british is 650

 

[isladogs]

However there are roughly 312 Tory MPs currently (actually 313).
The joke is however universal - any party / any country

Micron's comments reminded me that a long time ago, I got a complaint from a parent about calling her son a pillock - she had looked up its etymology.
According to one dictionary at the time, in medieval times it referred to a young boy used for prostitution. Oops!

After that I tended to use the words twannock & plonker ... both of which had equally offensive origins but got no complaints!
The word dipstick was also good for the same purpose

 

[CJ_London]

It was October and the Navajos on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied .......
"The Navajos are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

[Mark_]

This one is very fun to ask people...

"If you paired a pair of pears with a pair of pants, how many pieces in your pairing?"

I've had several people give up in frustration...

 

[Deleted member 147267]

is that the only pairing you can have with 3 parts?

 

[bradcarol]

I'm exhausted... Just got back from delivering a roll of bubble wrap.
.
.
When I asked where to put it... The woman said to pop it in the corner...
.
.
5hrs it took me...

 

[The_Doc_Man]

My grandson could probably have done it in 3 hours. He's gotten very good at that.

 

[bradcarol]

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Gertrude and Mabel were chatting up a storm while driving along a busy street when Mabel drove through a red light.
"Goodness!" thinks Gertrude. "Was that light red?" she thinks to herself.

After a few more blocks, Mabel runs another red light while blissfully yakking away.
"Mercy! I'm almost certain that light was red!" thinks Gertrude, but she is afraid to say so, having been accused of seeing things lately.

After Mabel runs a 3rd red light, Gertrude realizes this is reality and must say something before they get killed.

"Mabel, do you realize you drove through 3 red lights?"

"Goodness me!" Mabel replies. "I thought you were driving."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Ouch! Micron, the worst part is that one is too true to be good in some areas.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

If this is the worst, what do I win (I'm fairy confident as you'll see why)?


While passing a farm during his leisurly Sunday drive, a man spied a pig in the farm yard and lo and behold! this pig had a wooden leg.

"Why on earth would anyone put a peg leg on a pig?" he mused. He just had to know, so he pulled up to the farm house. The farmer came out to greet him.

"Good day, sir. I was driving by and noticed you have a pig with a wooden leg. I just have to know why anyone would do this."

"W'al" drawled the farmer, "that'd be Bonnie. She's special, that's fer shur."

"OK, but why does she have a wooden leg?" asked the man.

"W'al, one day lil' Bobby fell down in the well. Bonnie came to th' hawse all a-squealin and a-snortin and we knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we follered her outside 'n she led us tuh the well. Bonnie done saved our little Bobby."

"Okaaay..." said the man. "but why the wooden leg."

"W'al one day Big Joe was plowin' the field and the tractor done flipped over and pinned him good. Bonnie came to th' hawse all a-squealin and a-snortin and we knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we follered her out tuh Big Joe and we got him out. Bonnie done saved our Big Joe."

With a hint of exasperation in his raised voice the man said "Right! Now why does she have a wooden leg for Pete's sake?"

"W'al...one nat when we wuz a a-sleepin the house caught on far. They was smoke everywhar but we din't know cuz we wuz a-sleepin. Bonnie ran around the house like a crazy pole cat, a-squealin and a-snortin and woke us all up. We knew sumthin had tuh be wrong so we all got up and saw th' far and escaped. She done saved all ar lives."

By now the man was completely exasperated.

"Good Lord, man! I've listened to your stories and asked you 3 times why the pig has a wooden leg and you still haven't told me."

"W'al" drawls the farmer, "I 'spected you'd figure it out after the first story but I s'pose you caint cuz yer a city slicker. A special pig like that ya don't eat all at once!"

 

[bradcarol]

I'm dating a girl from the zoo

I think she's a keeper

 

[CJ_London]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

CJ, good poster. The theists among us (I'm not one) might add "Not only that, but it is harder to climb a stair than it is to walk along a highway." Just 'cause I'm no longer much on religion doesn't mean I forgot what I learned when I still believed.

 

[Mark_]

Doc, what a horrible thing to say! Walking down the highway... I never!

They'd be bused down the highway. Walking would be dangerous!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Given the destination, I think the traffic would be the least of their worries if they believed in it at all.

 

[Rx_]

Most common response at last G20 Economic Summit:
"That's what Xi Said"

Love is Grand.
Divorce is 100 Grand.

His friend was dating a girl from the city zoo. He thinks she is a keeper.

He had the IQ of 122. That is equal to the IQ of 122 P.E. Economics Major graduates.

 

[CJ_London]

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. He apologises and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! Nobody knows more about wasps than I do. There is no way that the sounds on that record were made by European ones!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir ............
It appears we've been playing you the bee side."