What's your best/worst joke?

[CJ_London]

A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed the written examination. Since he was the Chief's nephew, the examiner decided to go easy on him with the oral test.

"Who shot Abraham Lincoln?", asked the examiner.

The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back the next morning.

When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, "Well, how did it go? Did you get the job?"
…."I think so," he replied. "They’ve already got me working on a case".

 

[AngelSpeaks]

Why don't Italians like Jehovah Witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

If something were to happen to me ....

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

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The question implied in that clip is in the same category as "Does this dress make me look fat?" For which the proper answer is, "Oh, excuse me, I suddenly recalled an urgent appointment in the Ukraine, where I would be shot by the invading Russian Army. They would assure a quick death."

 

[Cotswold]

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

 

[Eugene-LS]

A man won a large sum of money in the lottery - he comes home - his wife is sitting there crying...
- Honey, what happened?
- Mom died...
- That's the luky day!

In russian last frase is "Nu popiorlo !" - it impossible tranlate - "That's the luky day!" - is nearest
Or:
- "Things are finally starting to get better!"
or:
- "Life just getting better and better!"

 

[conception_native_0123]

Why do Cows wear bells? Because their horns do not work.

as told by Rocky Balboa.

 

[Cronk]

The way I heard this was that the Pope was visiting America and first stop was New York where he was assigned a woman driven chauffeur car. The Pope wanted to drive and got a bit exuberant driving too fast which attracted the attention of a highway copper. When the patrol man pulled over the car and recognized the driver, he called the station sergeant saying he'd pulled over a heavy and asked for guidance. When asked he said no, it was not the Chief of police, not the city mayor but the Pope and he was the chauffeur for a black woman.

 

[NauticalGent]

 

[NauticalGent]

**** VULGARITY ALERT, SCROLL DOWN AT YOU OWN FREE WILL AND ACCORD ****




Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

[CJ_London]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”



The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would’ve seen I also have a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.”

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Just a couple of mornings ago I had to chase a momma duck and eight itty-bitty ducklings off my lawn - because they poop all over it and make it unsafe to walk on my own damned grass! Not to mention that they stain up my concrete driveway and I have to use a power-washer on it to clean it. Seven of the ducklings took the hint. One of them ran at right angles to the other 7 and I spent five minutes chasing one little duck off my lawn while my wife stood near the garage laughing her butt off. Pardon me if I don't think that a duck running across a hardwood floor is that funny.

 

[NauticalGent]

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk for a Polish sausage. The clerk says, “ Are you Polish? “ And the man answers, “ No, I’m not Polish.” Frustrated, the man continues, “ Just because I order a Polish sausage, does it mean I’m Polish?” Then, to make a point, he adds, “ If I order French toast, does that mean I’m French? If I wanted Hungarian goulash, does that make me Hungarian? If I want an English muffin, does that mean I’m British? Well? Well?” The clerk answers, “ Well no, but this is a hardware store!”

 

[The_Doc_Man]

In south Louisiana, you CAN walk into a hardware store and get a Cajun boudin sausage - at least in the small towns near the bayous. They tend to diversify a lot.

 

[Cotswold]

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk for a Polish sausage. The clerk says, “ Are you Polish? “ And the man answers, “ No, I’m not Polish.” Frustrated, the man continues, “ Just because I order a Polish sausage, does it mean I’m Polish?” Then, to make a point, he adds, “ If I order French toast, does that mean I’m French? If I wanted Hungarian goulash, does that make me Hungarian? If I want an English muffin, does that mean I’m British? Well? Well?” The clerk answers, “ Well no, but this is a hardware store!”

The clerk could have said "we have all sorts of stuff for polish and polishing but a sausage isn't one of them"

 

[NauticalGent]

Guy goes into a bar and orders three pints and slowly drinks them at a corner table. This happens a few times over a couple of weeks; pretty soon the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him.
“Can I ask why you order all three at once instead of one at a time?”

“Well I used to come here with my two mates but now one of them moved away and the other is really sick, he might not make it. I drink the other two in their honor.”

The guy continues to come in and order three pints like this for a while longer and then one day he comes in but only orders two pints. The bartender thinks "Oh no, his friend was really sick, gosh I bet he died, that’s so sad.” He goes over to the guy and says
“Listen I see you only ordered two this time, did your friend…not make it? Gosh I’m so sorry if that’s what happened.”

The guy says, “Oh no, it’s nothing like that. I quit drinking.”

 

[AccessBlaster]

You’re not scared of being alone in the dark… you’re scared of NOT being alone in the dark.

 

[conception_native_0123]

The guy says, “Oh no, it’s nothing like that. I quit drinking.”

I didn't find this one too funny. sorry Gent.

 

[conception_native_0123]

That's because you didn't understand it ...

oh yes I did b u d d y boy ... but we'll leave this for another time. and I can't believe Jon's software censored that! geez.

 

[conception_native_0123]

Jon's software is VERY good, it monitors your posts and it is calibrated to only notify me when you post something that lacks insight etc. The software is controlled by a long list.

It's a long list, and I am unable to post the whole list because there's not enough room in a post for all the characters.

However I must say, it keeps me very busy....

If his software is so good how come it didn't recognize the word buddy when spaced out character by character?

 

[Cotswold]

I said to the waiter "There is no chicken in this chicken soup " He said "Well don't tell anyone but there's no horse in the horseradish either"