What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

moke123

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AccessBlaster

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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, drinking shot after shot of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
 

CJ_London

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Tom had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in the Scottish highlands as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Hi, my name's Harry, your neighbour from forty miles up the road...Having Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 7 o'clock..."

"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks............Thank you."

As Harry is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'".
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Harry stops. More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Harry turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there; by the way, what should I wear?"
Harry stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
 

Uncle Gizmo

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The captain was looking for the bosun, couldn't find him anywhere! The Captain went to the bosun's cabin, open the door only to find a young lady posing seductively on the bosun's bed! Obviously taken by surprise on seeing the captain, and not the bosun, the young lady was flustered and admitted that she was a Stowaway.

What are you doing in the bosun cabin asked the captain? Well she said, I was stowed away in a lifeboat for several days, but I had to get out to go to the toilet, and the bosun and caught me. He brought me back to his cabin and has been looking after me ever since. How long for said the captain? Well at least 2 weeks said the Stowaway. And captain she said, I think the bosun has been taking advantage of me! Yes he has said the captain, this is the Isle of Wight ferry!
 

CJ_London

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Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol:


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This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here’s her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages, with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.


If I had not had my little Beretta .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!" "Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.
 

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