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Rich
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Haven't you gone yet!ColinEssex said:
What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)
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ColinEssex
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Rich said:
Haven't you gone yet!
Saturday Rich. Then its 2 weeks without me
(unless I log on in an internet cafe somewhere)Can you get a late booking?
Col
Ally
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Here's another:
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessor, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for £600. The dog's owner went berserk. "£600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been £50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..........."
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessor, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for £600. The dog's owner went berserk. "£600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been £50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..........."
Nero
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One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked
up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This was a bit over the
limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning
the man woke his wife! with a pinch on the breast.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.She rolled over and grabbed him by
his manhood!
Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear,
"You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman,
the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This was a bit over the
limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning
the man woke his wife! with a pinch on the breast.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.She rolled over and grabbed him by
his manhood!
Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear,
"You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman,
the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
Brianwarnock
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Subject: Yet more talented people from Liverpool..................
Subject: Ferrari
It has just been announced that the Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The action followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's 'Work For the Dole' Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech gear.
A bold move by Ferrari management, as most F1 races are won and lost in the pits. However, Ferrari are seen to now have a massive advantage over every other F1 team.
Ferrari got more than they bargained for, however, during the Scouse
Crew's first practice session.
Not only were they able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had also resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Special Brew,a gram of Coke and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Subject: Ferrari
It has just been announced that the Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The action followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's 'Work For the Dole' Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech gear.
A bold move by Ferrari management, as most F1 races are won and lost in the pits. However, Ferrari are seen to now have a massive advantage over every other F1 team.
Ferrari got more than they bargained for, however, during the Scouse
Crew's first practice session.
Not only were they able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had also resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Special Brew,a gram of Coke and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Jacob Mathai
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Two kids were talking about their father's jobs.
First Kid : "My dad is a doctor."
Second kid : "My dad is a lawyer."
First kid : "Honest?"
Second kid : "No, just regular."
First Kid : "My dad is a doctor."
Second kid : "My dad is a lawyer."
First kid : "Honest?"
Second kid : "No, just regular."
Ally
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Along the lines of Lawyer jokes ...
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Nero
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A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just
happened.
It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said
"I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh"........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just
happened.
It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said
"I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh"........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'
ColinEssex
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Nor me - (didn't like to admit it first though )
)The joke is supposed to be that each kidd is trying to better the other...namliam said:
So... Working at macdonalds at minimum wage is better than beeing a doctor.... Its one off the worsest dont you think?
Its a commercial in Holland
not of my own fabrication....Regards
ColinEssex
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namliam said:
Lets just say its not the best
ColinEssex
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namliam's on this page is pretty bad as he had to explain it and its still not funny!
Mile-O's on page 1 and mine on the same page are pretty gross. I didn't have the energy to read any more
Col
Mile-O's on page 1 and mine on the same page are pretty gross. I didn't have the energy to read any more
Col
MattS
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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
To which the husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your out of here".
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
To which the husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your out of here".
Jacob Mathai
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Being a very conservative parent, I never allowed my children to watch the Lawrence Welk show on TV.
Why?
Too much sax and violins!
Why?
Too much sax and violins!
