R
Rich
Guest
Parker said:
Sausages wrapped in bacon
What's your best/worst joke? (8 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
Sausages wrapped in bacon
Jacob Mathai
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corporate mergers
The following companies are merging into one:
Heil Heating & Cooling
Mary Kay Cosmetics
Fuller Brush
Grace Chemicals
The new name : Heil Mary Fuller Grace
-------------------------------------------------------
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants
The new name : Poupon Pants
-------------------------------------------------------
FedEx and UPS
The new name : Fed Up
-------------------------------------------------------
Honeywell and Fairchild Industies
The new name : Fairwell Honeychild
The following companies are merging into one:
Heil Heating & Cooling
Mary Kay Cosmetics
Fuller Brush
Grace Chemicals
The new name : Heil Mary Fuller Grace
-------------------------------------------------------
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants
The new name : Poupon Pants
-------------------------------------------------------
FedEx and UPS
The new name : Fed Up
-------------------------------------------------------
Honeywell and Fairchild Industies
The new name : Fairwell Honeychild
MrsGorilla
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Friday said:
Kermit's tongue is green?
I always thought it was pink.
PaddyIrishMan
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Re: Re: Mile-O-Phile
Several...
Mile-O-Phile said:
You'd probably get a slap in the face if you said "Oh, you're British?" to anyone from Ireland.
Several...
R
Rich
Guest
"British" doesn't exist anymore surely?
There were two blonde guys working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. He asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. He asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.
slightly belated...
A Redneck Valentine:
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Yipeeee....Yee Ha!
Happy Valentine's Day!
A Redneck Valentine:
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Yipeeee....Yee Ha!
Happy Valentine's Day!
ChrisO
Registered User.
- Local time
- Tomorrow, 08:06
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2003
- Messages
- 3,171
51 weeks…
Seven blondes come into a bar shouting 51 weeks, 51 weeks, high fiveing, and 51 weeks. They go to up to the bar, 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks and eventually order their drinks (51 weeks slap slap) and go to a table (51 weeks, 51 weeks).
Shortly afterwards another blond enters the bar with a box under her arm. Going straight to get served the other seven blondes light up again 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks. Bartender is curious but says nothing.
Blonde number eight takes drink and places box it center of table. 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks they shout while dancing around the table with the box. 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks.
Bartender curious…goes over to table and asks last blonde; “What’s all this about 51 weeks?
Well she said, people think blonds are dumb, and while pointing to the box says, look there…2 to 4 years, and we did it in 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks.
Seven blondes come into a bar shouting 51 weeks, 51 weeks, high fiveing, and 51 weeks. They go to up to the bar, 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks and eventually order their drinks (51 weeks slap slap) and go to a table (51 weeks, 51 weeks).
Shortly afterwards another blond enters the bar with a box under her arm. Going straight to get served the other seven blondes light up again 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks. Bartender is curious but says nothing.
Blonde number eight takes drink and places box it center of table. 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks they shout while dancing around the table with the box. 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks.
Bartender curious…goes over to table and asks last blonde; “What’s all this about 51 weeks?
Well she said, people think blonds are dumb, and while pointing to the box says, look there…2 to 4 years, and we did it in 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks.
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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- Joined
- Mar 28, 2003
- Messages
- 988
6 Corporate Lessons
6 Corporate Lessons
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking tolunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one" "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world " Poof! She's gone. Astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.* "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Corporate Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend
3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
6 Corporate LessonsCorporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking tolunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one" "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world " Poof! She's gone. Astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.* "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Corporate Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend
3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
- Local time
- Today, 21:06
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2003
- Messages
- 988
Poetic Entry
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
! ************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
***************************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
*******************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To H**l".
*****************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
! ************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
***************************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
*******************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To H**l".
*****************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
andy_dyer
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 21:06
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2003
- Messages
- 806
3 men die and are transported up to heaven where they met God.
God towers over them and says "Your quality of life here will be based on the way you lived your life on earth. I'm giving each of you your heavenly transport. This will be based on
your faithfulness to your partners."
God turns to the first man. "How many times were you unfaithful to your wife?"
"Never, god."
"Very good," says God, "You may have a porsche."
God turns to the second man.
"Well, God, I've been unfaithful to my wife 4 times."
God thinks for a minute, "very well, you will have a ford."
God then asks the last man.
"Sorry God," he says, "I've strayed 34 times."
"Then you shall have a Lada."
The men get into their cars and drive off around heaven. A few minutes later they come across the porsche pulled over at the side of the road where the first man is on the floor, crying.
"What's up with you?" they ask, "You got the best car out of all of us."
"I know," he sobbed, "but I've just seen my wife going by on a pair of roller skates!"
God towers over them and says "Your quality of life here will be based on the way you lived your life on earth. I'm giving each of you your heavenly transport. This will be based on
your faithfulness to your partners."
God turns to the first man. "How many times were you unfaithful to your wife?"
"Never, god."
"Very good," says God, "You may have a porsche."
God turns to the second man.
"Well, God, I've been unfaithful to my wife 4 times."
God thinks for a minute, "very well, you will have a ford."
God then asks the last man.
"Sorry God," he says, "I've strayed 34 times."
"Then you shall have a Lada."
The men get into their cars and drive off around heaven. A few minutes later they come across the porsche pulled over at the side of the road where the first man is on the floor, crying.
"What's up with you?" they ask, "You got the best car out of all of us."
"I know," he sobbed, "but I've just seen my wife going by on a pair of roller skates!"
andy_dyer
Registered User.
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- Jul 2, 2003
- Messages
- 806
Children's Property Laws
1 If I like it, it's mine
2 If It's in my hand, it's mine
3 If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4 If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5 If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6 If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7 If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8 If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9 If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10 If I... wait a sec... this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan.
1 If I like it, it's mine
2 If It's in my hand, it's mine
3 If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4 If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5 If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6 If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7 If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8 If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9 If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10 If I... wait a sec... this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan.
andy_dyer
Registered User.
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Commentators Slip-Ups
Apologies to any non-Uk based forum members as you may not fully understand why these are funny without knowing the commentators...
Michael Buerk, watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage, remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
**********************
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
**************************
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
*************************
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
**************************
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
**************************
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
******************************
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
****************************
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
***************************
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this"
****************************
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
********************************
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
********************************
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
****************************
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
**************************
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
**************************
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
**************************
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
*************************
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
*************************
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford - Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
*************************
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
****************************
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
****************************
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Apologies to any non-Uk based forum members as you may not fully understand why these are funny without knowing the commentators...
Michael Buerk, watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage, remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
**********************
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
**************************
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
*************************
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
**************************
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
**************************
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
******************************
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
****************************
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
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Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this"
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James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
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Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
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The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
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Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
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Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
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A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
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US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
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Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
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Harry Carpenter at the Oxford - Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
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Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
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New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
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Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Mile-O
Back once again...
- Local time
- Today, 21:06
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2002
- Messages
- 11,305
Why did the chicken cross the road?
- ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
- KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
- RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
- PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
- BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.
- GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.
- DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
- ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
- MARTIN LUTHER KING JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
- GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
- CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
- FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it?
- FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
- BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
- EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
- LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
- THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
- JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
- COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?
Friday
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 21:06
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Messages
- 540
Where did the saying "Are you shi__ing me?" come from...
When George Washington was fighting the Brits for control of the 13 colonies, he had a need to cross the Potomac River one stormy night. He loaded 31 men in a boat and started across. The weather was bad, so he had one soldier, a John Peters, stand at the bow with a lantern so they could watch for landfall. The weather got really nasty as they neared the far shore, and Peters was washed overboard. After much searching, they gave up and headed on, eventually landing on the far shore. The men were understandably exhausted, cold and wet. Washington spotted a light in the distance, and herded his men toward it. They found a fairly large home, with lights burning in all the windows. Not realizing this was a local brothel, Washington marched up to the front door and knocked. An ederly lady answered the door and inquired as to his business. Washington replied, "I have several men who need warmth and care, madam". The matron advised, "That shouldn't be a problem, sir. How many men are with you?" Washington answered, "Well, I have 31 men, without Peters". And the matron replied ...
When George Washington was fighting the Brits for control of the 13 colonies, he had a need to cross the Potomac River one stormy night. He loaded 31 men in a boat and started across. The weather was bad, so he had one soldier, a John Peters, stand at the bow with a lantern so they could watch for landfall. The weather got really nasty as they neared the far shore, and Peters was washed overboard. After much searching, they gave up and headed on, eventually landing on the far shore. The men were understandably exhausted, cold and wet. Washington spotted a light in the distance, and herded his men toward it. They found a fairly large home, with lights burning in all the windows. Not realizing this was a local brothel, Washington marched up to the front door and knocked. An ederly lady answered the door and inquired as to his business. Washington replied, "I have several men who need warmth and care, madam". The matron advised, "That shouldn't be a problem, sir. How many men are with you?" Washington answered, "Well, I have 31 men, without Peters". And the matron replied ...
