What's your best/worst joke?

[NJudson]

Ok, if we're talking about bad jokes then how about these.

Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, you are ready told her twice.

Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Your right, I think my father told me those about 20 years ago.

 

[KenHigg]

Stranded On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
- Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
- Two French men and one French woman.
- Two German men and one German woman.
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
- Two British men and one British woman.
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.-
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.-
- Two Vietnamese men and one Vietnamese woman.
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
- Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman...
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
- The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
- The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Vietnamese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and setup a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems,and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

 

[Rich]

Why can a hurricane be compared to a woman?
Because they both come in to your lives wet and warm and take everything you have when they leave

 

[dt01pqt]

Nah, I just Googled the punch line and it's everywhere, so most people have probably heard it by now. Nevermind...

It's not the one about the farmer's 'peep hole' brothel?

 

[Idjit]

A Dog's Diary

7am - Oh Boy! Breakfast! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! A nap! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! Animal Planet! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dinner! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Grandma! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with my "teddy"! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in Daddy's bed! My favorite!

A Cat's Diary

Day 183 of my captivity ... My human captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and commented about what a good little kitty I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was because of my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously an idiot. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

 

[FoFa]

The Stupidity of Business and Vice Versa
During the winter of 1979, the Allied Roofing Company of Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA, developed a lucrative sideline clearing store roofs of snow to prevent the heavy fall from collapsing roofs. But one Grand Rapids business did have it's roof collapse from snow buildup. That's right, the Allied Roofing Company roof.

 

[FoFa]

See image...

 

[GSM]

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

The doctor enters the examination room and says to the man, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "I have bad news to report. Yesterday, 3
Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits
stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
=====================================

 

[FoFa]

People with Unique Vision
The English minister Rev. John "Mad Jack" Alington was kicked off his pulpit for preaching free love in the nineteenth century. So he started his own church, drawing a congregation by providing free brandy and beer. During services, Mad Jack dressed in leopard skins and had servants pull him up and down the aisles while he preached astride a wooden hobbyhorse.

 

[GSM]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my

family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact,
the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation
and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
I'll do the f**king dishes!"

 

[FoFa]

Dumb Crooks
A man broke into a car, found a camera inside, and posed for pictures, which his girlfriend took, of him brandishing the screwdriver he used to break into the car. It was a cheap camera, so the thief left it in the car. When the car was returned to its owner, he developed the pictures and found the ones of the car thief, who then pposed for one more picture: a police mug shot.

 

[Tech]

lol funny... i heard that joke last week!

 

[mitchem1]

When it's time for me to go, I want to die just like my Grandpa did, in his sleep. Not screaming bloody murder like the other three guys in his car.

 

[fuzzygeek]

READ SLOWLY--IT MAY TAKE A WHILE FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE, BUT THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER!


1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

 

[Kraj]

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Woah, now there's a double-meaning for ya!

 

[FoFa]

The Business of Stupidity and Vice Versa
When McDonald's invaded Russia, the American bosses insisted that the Russian counter help give customers the standard Mickey D smile. Russian customers were insulted because in Russia smiling at strangers means you're making fun of them. How did Mickey D Russia solve the problem? They hired official Smile Explainers to shout into bullhorns at the customers in line: "When you reach the counter, you will be smiled at. This does not mean we are making fun of you." And that's how Russia became the frendly country it is today.

 

[FoFa]

The Power of Stupidity
The head of communist Romania, Nicolae Ceausescu, liked to present himself as a man of the people. This was a tricky business since he also has a phobia of catching germs from other people. So before Ceausescu ventured out into the streets to be photographed shaking hands with the common people, his secret police would first disinfect the chosen ones.

 

[FoFa]

Military Unintelligence
In 2002, twenty British Royal Marines stormed a Spanish beach with assault rifles and mortars. When the practice invasion was over, the town policeman approached and explained to the marines that the beach they meant to practice on was British held Gibraltar, a few miles to the south. A British Defense Ministry spokesman apologized for the mistake. "We were not trying to take Spain and have no plans to do so," he said.

 

[Groundrush]

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".

" No," said Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f...ing accident either".