What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

[Rich]

"When I were a lad, Ma mum would send me down to da corner store wiv' a dollar, and I'd come back wiv' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. ​

Yer can't do that now...............................................too many fucken security cameras."​

 

[Rabbie]

"When I were a lad, Ma mum would send me down to da corner store wiv' a dollar, and I'd come back wiv' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. ​

Yer can't do that now...............................................too many fucken security cameras."​

Not in Britain then judging by the currency

 

[Rich]

Not in Britain then judging by the currency

In Oz judging by the language

 

[ColinEssex]

Just driving my new Renault - can't stop, see you later.

Col

 

[Pauldohert]

Just driving my new Renault - can't stop, see you later.

Col

Haven't you got a Toyota?

 

[ColinEssex]

Haven't you got a Toyota?

That's the joke. Oh dear, never mind.

Col

 

[Access_guy49]

Breaking New:
Energizer purchases Toyota to tie-in the slogan, "It keeps going and going..."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I posted this elsewhere but was persuaded that it should be in this thread, too.

A tourist is in Mexico, eating at a restaurant across the street from a bullring. As he is eating his supper, a man at a nearby table receives his order. The waiter removes the cover to reveal a long tube of something that looks like sausage plus two lumps that look like meatballs.

The tourist asks the waiter what the other man ordered. The waiter says, "That is the bullring special. We have as many of those as there are bullfights in the ring across the street. We don't take reservations for it, either."

The tourist comes back the next day, asking for a bullring special. The waiter says, "Sorry sir, the last one has just been ordered." Sure enough, a few minutes later, out comes the huge item that looks like a sausage and a pair of giant meatballs.

Every day for several days the tourist comes back, but he never quite gets there in time. Finally, though, persistence pays off. The waiter says, "Ah, yes. We have one left. Do you want it?" The tourist says, "Absolutely yes."

A few minutes later, the waiter brings out the covered dish. When he removes the cover, the tourist is disappointed. He says, "These are a LOT smaller than the servings I saw in the last few days.... what's the story?" The waiter says, "Senor, sometimes the bull wins."

 

[Pauldohert]

I posted this elsewhere but was persuaded that it should be in this thread, too.

It was bollocks.

 

[Rich]

Fred and Larry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

 

[Rich]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is


completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears..


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,


medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf..


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love..
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:​

(Okay, get ready . . .)

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'​

 

[Rich]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

 

[BobertDajej]

My only joke... thus the best and worst at the same time.

What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries???

-- lewot a

 

[Rich]

1981 & 2005 - [FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]Two Interesting Years[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]Interesting Year 1981[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]1. Prince Charles got married[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]3. Australia lost the Ashes.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]4. The pope died[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]



[/FONT]Interesting Year 2005[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]1. Prince Charles got married[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]3. Australia lost the Ashes.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]4. The pope died[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]



[/FONT]Lesson to be learned:[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]The next time Charles gets married,[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]Someone warn the Pope.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]



[/FONT]

 

[Rich]

A Welshman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[Rabbie]

1981 & 2005 -

Two Interesting Years


Interesting Year 1981


1. Prince Charles got married


2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe


3. Australia lost the Ashes.


4. The pope died



Interesting Year 2005


1. Prince Charles got married


2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe


3. Australia lost the Ashes.


4. The pope died



Lesson to be learned:


The next time Charles gets married,

Someone warn the Pope.

Sorry to be a spoilsport but no Pope died in 1981.

 

[Vassago]

Sorry to be a spoilsport but no Pope died in 1981.

That's what I was thinking. Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded critically, but survived until 2005, where he died of natural causes. Hardly much of a connection. Is this British paranoia, making connection that are such a stretch?

 

[Rich]

I think it should have said "a guy called Pope died"

 

[Fifty2One]

Awwww give him a break - he is only 5 years late on that one and it is one of the few that does not contain references to deviant relationships

That's what I was thinking. Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded critically, but survived until 2005, where he died of natural causes. Hardly much of a connection. Is this British paranoia, making connection that are such a stretch?

 

[Rich]

Awwww give him a break - he is only 5 years late on that one and it is one of the few that does not contain references to deviant relationships

Idiot