What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[DCrake]

Don't usually frequent this thread but heard a good one the other day.

Paddy's boss phones him up at home and says "Paddy, I need to get on your computer, what is your password?"

Paddy replies:

Huey Luey Duey Micky Donald Pluto Goofy Dopy Dublin

What the F... How come it so big? Well said Paddy IT said it had to be a least eight characters and one had to be a Captial.


(Password spaced out for brevity)

David

 

[The_Doc_Man]

it had to be a least eight characters and one had to be a Captial.

Oh, my word! I think Paddy must be a user on my Navy Reserve system.

 

[Rich]

I was in Sainsbury's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

 

[Rich]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the lottery?"


She says, "I'd take half then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 quid, here's £6. Now beat it.

 

[Rich]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
>
> Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
>
> Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
>
> Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
>
> Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
>
> She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
>
> He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
>
> The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit- but now he was wearing a black condom.
>
> She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
>
> He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
>

 

[Rich]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory
> .... I don't remember what I chose.
>
> 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
>
> 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
>
> 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
>
> 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
> 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
>
> 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
> earth.
>
> 7.. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try
> Weekly and Try Weakly.
>
> 8. Virginity can be cured.
>
> 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's just a lack of opportunity.
>
> 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
> partner, you'd better have a good hand.
>
> 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
>
> 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
>
> 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
> A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
>
> 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
> happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing .
>
> 15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
> A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
>
> 16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> A: Breasts don't have eyes.
>
> 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many
> men still sleep with their wives!!
>
>

 

[Rich]

"When I were a lad, Ma mum would send me down to da corner store wiv' a dollar, and I'd come back wiv' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. ​

Yer can't do that now...............................................too many fucken security cameras."​

 

[Rabbie]

"When I were a lad, Ma mum would send me down to da corner store wiv' a dollar, and I'd come back wiv' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. ​

Yer can't do that now...............................................too many fucken security cameras."​

Not in Britain then judging by the currency

 

[Rich]

Not in Britain then judging by the currency

In Oz judging by the language

 

[ColinEssex]

Just driving my new Renault - can't stop, see you later.

Col

 

[Pauldohert]

Just driving my new Renault - can't stop, see you later.

Col

Haven't you got a Toyota?

 

[ColinEssex]

Haven't you got a Toyota?

That's the joke. Oh dear, never mind.

Col

 

[Access_guy49]

Breaking New:
Energizer purchases Toyota to tie-in the slogan, "It keeps going and going..."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I posted this elsewhere but was persuaded that it should be in this thread, too.

A tourist is in Mexico, eating at a restaurant across the street from a bullring. As he is eating his supper, a man at a nearby table receives his order. The waiter removes the cover to reveal a long tube of something that looks like sausage plus two lumps that look like meatballs.

The tourist asks the waiter what the other man ordered. The waiter says, "That is the bullring special. We have as many of those as there are bullfights in the ring across the street. We don't take reservations for it, either."

The tourist comes back the next day, asking for a bullring special. The waiter says, "Sorry sir, the last one has just been ordered." Sure enough, a few minutes later, out comes the huge item that looks like a sausage and a pair of giant meatballs.

Every day for several days the tourist comes back, but he never quite gets there in time. Finally, though, persistence pays off. The waiter says, "Ah, yes. We have one left. Do you want it?" The tourist says, "Absolutely yes."

A few minutes later, the waiter brings out the covered dish. When he removes the cover, the tourist is disappointed. He says, "These are a LOT smaller than the servings I saw in the last few days.... what's the story?" The waiter says, "Senor, sometimes the bull wins."

 

[Pauldohert]

I posted this elsewhere but was persuaded that it should be in this thread, too.

It was bollocks.

 

[Rich]

Fred and Larry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

 

[Rich]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is


completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears..


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,


medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf..


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love..
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:​

(Okay, get ready . . .)

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'​

 

[Rich]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

 

[BobertDajej]

My only joke... thus the best and worst at the same time.

What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries???

-- lewot a

 

[Rich]

1981 & 2005 - [FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]Two Interesting Years[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]Interesting Year 1981[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]1. Prince Charles got married[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]3. Australia lost the Ashes.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]4. The pope died[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]



[/FONT]Interesting Year 2005[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]1. Prince Charles got married[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]3. Australia lost the Ashes.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]4. The pope died[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]



[/FONT]Lesson to be learned:[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


[/FONT]The next time Charles gets married,[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]Someone warn the Pope.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]



[/FONT]