What's your best/worst joke?

[Vassago]

Oh, Jacob, that's too true to be good.

Have you seen the "Swamp People" show on the History Channel? You would meet some real "Boudreaux" and "Fontenot" and "Thibadaux" types.

Note for those who watch the show and wonder about it: According to my wife, who IS a Cajun, those guys are doing the exact same thing her grandfather did except their boats are made of aluminum and their guns use modern smokeless ammo. But they still catch, skin, and otherwise process the gators as her granddad did it.

Still not as scary as the Feral kid specials.

 

[Rabbie]

Ode to spell checkers

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

 

[oumahexi]

Answers:
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE
6. SIX

You got all 6 wrong....didn’t' t you?

Strangely I only got the last one wrong...

 

[MSAccessRookie]

What did the woman say to Gary Glitter at the beach?

You're in my sun

I'm sorry (and I know that I am only a Yank), but the joke did not make sense to me even after I read the story of his current problems.

Did the word "sun" in the punchline refer to the Brirish newspaper that has been publishing the story of his "problems", is it a poke at his "son" that he is currently not alowed to see anymore, or is it something else?

 

[scott-atkinson]

I'm sorry (and I know that I am only a Yank), but the joke did not make sense to me even after I read the story of his current problems.

Did the word "sun" in the punchline refer to the Brirish newspaper that has been publishing the story of his "problems", is it a poke at his "son" that he is currently not alowed to see anymore, or is it something else?

Unfortunately it was none of those, the author was being lewd and perverse and pertaining that Mr Glitter was actually having sex with a young boy...

Not very funny at all...

 

[Rabbie]

Not very funny at all...

The thread title is "What's your best/worst joke?" and Bazoo's effort was IMHO the worst I've seen for a long while

 

[Alc]

Unfortunately it was none of those, the author was being lewd and perverse and pertaining that Mr Glitter was actually having sex with a young boy...

Not very funny at all...

No, but no worse than any of the Michael Jackson gags that did the rounds.

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Breaking News:


Police in Liverpool have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!!"

 

[Adam Caramon]

Hopefully this one hasn't been told before, but I can't find any easy way of searching this thread:

Something my grandfather once told me:

"For a man to be truly happy, he needs a woman who will clean the house...a woman who cooks him dinner...a woman who pleases him in the bedroom. And he has to make SURE that none of those women meet each other."

 

[namliam]

Any happy woman needs 4 animals:

A fox in her wardrobe (you know fury things)
A jaguar in the garage
A tiger in bed
A mule to pay for it all (Mule as in a reference to an idiot)

It loses some in translation sadly

 

[Brianwarnock]

Any happy woman needs 4 animals:

A fox in her wardrobe (you know fury things)
A jaguar in the garage
A tiger in bed
A mule to pay for it all (Mule as in a reference to an idiot)

It loses some in translation sadly

Not really even if the English version uses Ass instead of mule.

Brian

 

[Brianwarnock]

Breaking News:


Police in Liverpool have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!!"

I like the joke but just for the record I think that what is now Toxteth had the first public library in England on the junction of windsor and parliament streets.

Brian

 

[Pauldohert]

I like the joke but just for the record I think that what is now Toxteth had the first public library in England on the junction of windsor and parliament streets.

Brian

There seems to have been an early public lending library on Duke Street (on the edge of Toxteth) and also a Liverpool Subscription Library which I'm not sure where it was before moving to the Lyceum in 1800 ish.

Toxteth library is a reasonably old municipal library. ON the site you refer to.



http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/live...at-heart-of-s1million-revamp-100252-25382867/

L8 has another municipal library on Lodge Lane.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A big shot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage. After looking over the lawyer in his $1,000 suit, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves."
The lawyer did.
The farmer said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?" And the lawyer took another swallow.
At the urging of the farmer, he took another, and another, and another.
Finally, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the farmer if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too.
"Not me", the farmer replied. "I'm waiting for the state trooper."
--------------------------------------------------------------


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"No," the woman yelled back, "It's a scarf!"
------------------------------------------

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
-----------------------------------
In a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

 

[Pauldohert]

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 

[Groundrush]

Department for Work & Pensions

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.


"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.


Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.


There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

 

[ChipperT]

Re: Department for Work & Pensions

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.


"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.


Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.


There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

Good one! Thanks for the laugh!

 

[oldozziesubby]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed. Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

 

[Pauldohert]

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.