What's your best/worst joke? (8 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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Cold, Big Pat. I used to work as a musician on Bourbon Street in New Orleans way back in the late 1960s, early 1970s. Paid for my college that way. We needed our drummer very much since he and I were the only two guys who had a good enough internal clock to keep up proper timing. The guitarists and horns were decent but needed that beat to stay together. And you don't realize just how important drums are until you don't have any to keep things steady.
Worst Joke
Man1: Which way out?
Man2: I don't know.
Man1: Which way in?
Man2: I said I don't know! F***!
Man1: Then how'd you get in?
Man2: Just as how you get in here!
The author of this one is really making himself a good joke!
Man1: Which way out?
Man2: I don't know.
Man1: Which way in?
Man2: I said I don't know! F***!
Man1: Then how'd you get in?
Man2: Just as how you get in here!
The author of this one is really making himself a good joke!
Hey Doc Man, I drum myself. Purely for pleasure (well maybe to anonoy my neighbour a bit too!!) Wow, Bourbon St. in the late sixties. That must've been something. I'm currently saving hard for the family trip of a lifetime to the States, probably in mid-2012. I'm thinking NYC and DC but I really should try to make it down to the Big Easy. One of my earliest memories of growing up in rural Ireland is hearing my mother sing an old folk song called "The Lakes of Ponchartrain". It was years before I learned where that was.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the instructions in once.
I'll lay off drummers now. Are there any harmonica jokes out there, I wonder? The words "suck" and "blow" come to mind!
With a drum machine you only have to punch the instructions in once.
I'll lay off drummers now. Are there any harmonica jokes out there, I wonder? The words "suck" and "blow" come to mind!
froggiebeckie
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If a transvestite goes missing, should you put their picture on a carton of Half & Half?
oumahexi
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In the United States of America they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out to different countries for a test.
· USA , in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
· India, in 20 minutes it caught 3000 thieves,
· Nigeria , in 10 minutes it caught 6000 thieves,
· South Africa, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.
SOUTH AFRICA IS SIMPLY THE BEST
· USA , in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
· India, in 20 minutes it caught 3000 thieves,
· Nigeria , in 10 minutes it caught 6000 thieves,
· South Africa, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.
SOUTH AFRICA IS SIMPLY THE BEST
MSAccessRookie
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I took a little time and found two regular jokes, and a few one line Q:/A: style jokes. I am sure that there are probably plenty more that are better than these.
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When little Timmy saw his aunt for the first time after the holidays he thanked her for the harmonica she had given him, adding that it was the best gift he had ever received. "I'm so glad you like it. Have you learned how to play it yet," his aunt asked. Laughing, little Timmy replied, "Oh no, I don't play it. Mommy gives me 50 cents a day to not play it during the day and Daddy gives me $5 a week to not play it at night."
A Guitar Player says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my guitar."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
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Q. Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
A. They're trying to tell them how the song goes.
Q. What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
A. Thank God.
Q. What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
A. Dearly departed.
Q. How do you know there's a harmonica player at your front door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in and he can't find the key.
Q. What is the difference between a harmonica and a '57 Chevy?
A. You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q. What's the difference between a Guitar and a Harmonica?
A. No-one minds if you spill beer on a Harmonica.
Q. How many harmonica Players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds the right one.
Q. How many harmonica Players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None--they just steal somebody else's light.
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Big Pat, if you are coming to the Big Easy, post or send me a private message so I can perhaps set up a chance to show you a few places.
Rookie: I particularly liked the Q/A jokes about howling dogs, not knowing when to come in, and a harmonica player in a new suit. Slightly more barbed than others.
On the other hand, does anyone remember the group called Johnnie Puleo and the "Harmonicats" ? I used to love seeing them on the Ed Sullivan show and other variety shows of that time. Johnnie Puleo, being a midget, was always able to get a laugh when he played. He would start with a relatively small harmonica, maybe 6 or 7 inches long, but then in the middle of the piece, he would put that away and take out a 28-inch instrument. Needless to say, THEY knew when to come in, and they ALWAYS had the right key.
The way folks talk about the harmonica reminds me of the oboe - the "ill wind that nobody blows good."
Rookie: I particularly liked the Q/A jokes about howling dogs, not knowing when to come in, and a harmonica player in a new suit. Slightly more barbed than others.
On the other hand, does anyone remember the group called Johnnie Puleo and the "Harmonicats" ? I used to love seeing them on the Ed Sullivan show and other variety shows of that time. Johnnie Puleo, being a midget, was always able to get a laugh when he played. He would start with a relatively small harmonica, maybe 6 or 7 inches long, but then in the middle of the piece, he would put that away and take out a 28-inch instrument. Needless to say, THEY knew when to come in, and they ALWAYS had the right key.
The way folks talk about the harmonica reminds me of the oboe - the "ill wind that nobody blows good."
A pirate walks into a pub with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender, obviously confused, asks the Pirate: "Hey buddy, don't you know there's a steering wheel in your pants???"
To which the pirate replies: "Ayyyye! It's driving me nuts."
The bartender, obviously confused, asks the Pirate: "Hey buddy, don't you know there's a steering wheel in your pants???"
To which the pirate replies: "Ayyyye! It's driving me nuts."
oumahexi
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SCHOOL : 1957 vs. 2010
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs
Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bull-ant’s nest.
1957- Ants die.
2010- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs
Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bull-ant’s nest.
1957- Ants die.
2010- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
ajetrumpet
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try this on for size oumahexi....
SCHOOL : 1957 vs. 2010 vs. 2050
Scenario:Johnny and Markget into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs
2050 - Fistfights are not possible anymore because scientists have invented a universal way to prevent humans from hurting each other via physical contact
Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
2050 - Students are learning by themselves via computers is their own rooms. Robbie can be as restless as he wants, but if he doesn't keep up with his work, within 30 minutes he is called by a counselor to see if everything is OK in his life.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's carand his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
2050 - Billy still breaks the window and an unforeseen punishment is put in place. Dad starts wearing a different wardrobe because scientists have proven that belts are too risky for human beings to wear
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
2050 - Mark's aspirin is confiscated at the front door through the daily security check and computer chip scanning.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
2050 - Failure of any class becomes impossible due to parent complaints. Lowest grade possible is a 'C'. Laws are passed saying something to the effect of "all kids are treated academically equal, regardless of performance"
Scenario: Johnnytakes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bull-ant’s nest.
1957- Ants die.
2010- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
2050 - Firecrackers have been taken off the market, along with any other potentially explosive device. Johnny asks parents to buy the materials from China off the black market and has his fun before going to school. FBI's automated system records online purchase. Johnny's parents arrested and ISP shut down for lack of appropriate monitoring of client activities.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
2050 - Recess no longer takes place on blacktop due to excessive injury possibilities with small children. A suitable replacement material is being considered by congress.
SCHOOL : 1957 vs. 2010 vs. 2050
Scenario:Johnny and Markget into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs
2050 - Fistfights are not possible anymore because scientists have invented a universal way to prevent humans from hurting each other via physical contact
Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
2050 - Students are learning by themselves via computers is their own rooms. Robbie can be as restless as he wants, but if he doesn't keep up with his work, within 30 minutes he is called by a counselor to see if everything is OK in his life.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's carand his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
2050 - Billy still breaks the window and an unforeseen punishment is put in place. Dad starts wearing a different wardrobe because scientists have proven that belts are too risky for human beings to wear
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
2050 - Mark's aspirin is confiscated at the front door through the daily security check and computer chip scanning.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
2050 - Failure of any class becomes impossible due to parent complaints. Lowest grade possible is a 'C'. Laws are passed saying something to the effect of "all kids are treated academically equal, regardless of performance"
Scenario: Johnnytakes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bull-ant’s nest.
1957- Ants die.
2010- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
2050 - Firecrackers have been taken off the market, along with any other potentially explosive device. Johnny asks parents to buy the materials from China off the black market and has his fun before going to school. FBI's automated system records online purchase. Johnny's parents arrested and ISP shut down for lack of appropriate monitoring of client activities.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
2050 - Recess no longer takes place on blacktop due to excessive injury possibilities with small children. A suitable replacement material is being considered by congress.
Last edited:
TessB
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Pray thee... what is a carand, in "American English"?
Yes, yes, I know... the bastardized English. Please, still explian.
Kryst51
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It's also a repost. I've seen it at least 4 times on these forums.
And its just as true and funny every time....
Brianwarnock
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Kryst51
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It makes me laugh because it's so true
