What's your best/worst joke?

[Pauldohert]

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a
City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"

 

[Pauldohert]

I turned on the news yesterday to see a picture of Margaret Thatcher, which quickly moved images of miners celebrating, and then that quickly changed to scousers celebrating.

Has she died?

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Not sure where your loyalties lie (you posted here and not the Politics Forum), but I did find this?

http://www.businessweek.com/news/20...er-too-ill-to-attend-85th-birthday-party.html

 

[jamesmor]

Frappé - the sound a frenchman's butt makes when he farts

Frappé Mocha - same sound, but an added bit of "chocolate"

 

[Pauldohert]

A man walks into a library and asks the lady behind the counter "have you got that book on small cocks"?
i don't think its in yet, she says "yep, thats the one" he replies

 

[mwabbe]

Where does a fish keep all of its money?
.
.
At the riverbank!
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What kind of fish does a parrot sit on?
.
.
A Perch!
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A man is sitting in his recliner looking at his wedding certificate for over an hour
His wife comes in and says "honey what are you doing, you've been looking at that for over an hour."
He says "I can't find the expiration date."

 

[Rabbie]

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!

 

[TessB]

Just wanted to let you all know that this is the thread I look forward to reading the most. Please don't stop posting jokes. They make my day.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to share laughter.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

 

[TessB]

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[TessB]

Paul and Tammy get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Tammy are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -
Are Paul and Tammy up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - Never mind what you think !
Eat your lunch and go back to school ...
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Tammy up yet ?
His mum says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - Ok - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.

 

[TessB]

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, 'I'll just have the eggs Benedict.' His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge, fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, 'What's with the fancy plate?' The waiter replies,

'There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.'

 

[oldozziesubby]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, and eating prawns, oysters and BBQ.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool!

Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche? A Rolex? Some stock options?" Again Geoffrey said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?" Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the bastard that pushed me in the pool.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Funny one liners

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. " - Albert Einstein

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first. - Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. - Groucho Marx

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics. - Benjamin Disraeli
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones

 

[oldozziesubby]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!".

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu bro, you huv Prostate suckness eh". "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi'regonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bustards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

 

[oldozziesubby]

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.

"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

 

[oldozziesubby]

COMPLAINTS TO COUNCILS IN BRITAIN
For some, the art of letter writing is a skill never mastered. The following are extracts from various complaints and requests made by tenants who fall into that category...

- It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
- I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
- My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
- Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
- I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
- Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
- I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
- This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
- He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This is my father...


The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"