ajetrumpet
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i wonder how many duplicates or triplicates we've posted in this thread already? http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showpost.php?p=667585&postcount=1451
What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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i wonder how many duplicates or triplicates we've posted in this thread already? http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showpost.php?p=667585&postcount=1451
Kryst51
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I don't know, why don't you point them ALL out to us... especially if they are from 5 or more years ago.
Oldsoftboss
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I don't know, why don't you point them ALL out to us... especially if they are from 5 or more years ago.
Just had a look. This thread was started in 2003. wow.
Brianwarnock
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Hey oldsoftboss your avatar isn't as good without the "loves bumpy roads" tag line.
Brian
Brian
ajetrumpet
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.
makes you wonder how much %age this thread takes up on the server huh?
Rich
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Probably about the same as some of your postsmakes you wonder how much %age this thread takes up on the server huh?
Rich
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Yeah, some of the idiots still have a picture of a Dutch boy sticking his finger into some orificeHey you know, there are GOOD things about the UK...
Good joke/bad joke you make up your own mind
Access_guy49
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth
Yeah, some of the idiots still have a picture of a Dutch boy sticking his finger into some orifice
*Sucks on thumb*
Pauldohert
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Our best worst joke is - Wayne Rooney. The worst worst jokes are Terry, Upson and Barry.
Jacob Mathai
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BP announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to help in the cleanup. Thibodeaux, Boudreaux,and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could....
So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.
So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.
aah -I could be in trouble ..........
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power'
A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q.
The manager says 'Would you like a screw for that mirror'
She said 'No, but I'd suck your **** for a lawn mower'.
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the
next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with
her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.........
Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the
instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said '
Sorry about the wait '
I said ' Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts.
Murphy meets him & says ' If I can guess how many doughnuts you have
in the bag, can I have one?
Paddy said ' If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can
have both of them!! '...............
Murphy says 'Four!'
Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I thought to myself ' She'll be lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a
winner and I always end up in bed with them..............
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?
Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away,
but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power'
A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q.
The manager says 'Would you like a screw for that mirror'
She said 'No, but I'd suck your **** for a lawn mower'.
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the
next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with
her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.........
Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the
instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said '
Sorry about the wait '
I said ' Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts.
Murphy meets him & says ' If I can guess how many doughnuts you have
in the bag, can I have one?
Paddy said ' If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can
have both of them!! '...............
Murphy says 'Four!'
Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I thought to myself ' She'll be lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a
winner and I always end up in bed with them..............
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?
Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away,
but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!
Rich
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Five Germans were touring Ireland in an Audi Quattro when they were pulled over by an Irish Cop.
The driver ran the window down and asked the policeman what the problem was.
The cop told him he had one two many passengers in the car and so he was arresting him.
The driver said that he must have got things wrong as this car was made to take five people not just four.
The cop however was adamant that it was not and pointed out that the very name 'Quattro' clearly indicated the situation.
The driver was not very happy about this logic and asked to see the cop's superior.
However the cop replied that this would not be possible as his seargent was at that very minute in the process of arresting two italians who were driving a Fiat Uno.
The driver ran the window down and asked the policeman what the problem was.
The cop told him he had one two many passengers in the car and so he was arresting him.
The driver said that he must have got things wrong as this car was made to take five people not just four.
The cop however was adamant that it was not and pointed out that the very name 'Quattro' clearly indicated the situation.
The driver was not very happy about this logic and asked to see the cop's superior.
However the cop replied that this would not be possible as his seargent was at that very minute in the process of arresting two italians who were driving a Fiat Uno.
MSAccessRookie
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Too bad you didn't save the answers for another post either later today or tomorrow. The fact is that I got all six right, but I did come up with some different answers:
BOOTS
FANDOM
FORK
PINTS
PURSE
SIX
BOOTS
FANDOM
FORK
PINTS
PURSE
SIX
ChipperT
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And I came up with BOOMS, PUNTS and SAX
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Oh, Jacob, that's too true to be good.
Have you seen the "Swamp People" show on the History Channel? You would meet some real "Boudreaux" and "Fontenot" and "Thibadaux" types.
Note for those who watch the show and wonder about it: According to my wife, who IS a Cajun, those guys are doing the exact same thing her grandfather did except their boats are made of aluminum and their guns use modern smokeless ammo. But they still catch, skin, and otherwise process the gators as her granddad did it.
Have you seen the "Swamp People" show on the History Channel? You would meet some real "Boudreaux" and "Fontenot" and "Thibadaux" types.
Note for those who watch the show and wonder about it: According to my wife, who IS a Cajun, those guys are doing the exact same thing her grandfather did except their boats are made of aluminum and their guns use modern smokeless ammo. But they still catch, skin, and otherwise process the gators as her granddad did it.
