What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Rich]

A Welshman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

[Rabbie]

1981 & 2005 -

Two Interesting Years


Interesting Year 1981


1. Prince Charles got married


2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe


3. Australia lost the Ashes.


4. The pope died



Interesting Year 2005


1. Prince Charles got married


2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe


3. Australia lost the Ashes.


4. The pope died



Lesson to be learned:


The next time Charles gets married,

Someone warn the Pope.

Sorry to be a spoilsport but no Pope died in 1981.

 

[Vassago]

Sorry to be a spoilsport but no Pope died in 1981.

That's what I was thinking. Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded critically, but survived until 2005, where he died of natural causes. Hardly much of a connection. Is this British paranoia, making connection that are such a stretch?

 

[Rich]

I think it should have said "a guy called Pope died"

 

[Fifty2One]

Awwww give him a break - he is only 5 years late on that one and it is one of the few that does not contain references to deviant relationships

That's what I was thinking. Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded critically, but survived until 2005, where he died of natural causes. Hardly much of a connection. Is this British paranoia, making connection that are such a stretch?

 

[Rich]

Awwww give him a break - he is only 5 years late on that one and it is one of the few that does not contain references to deviant relationships

Idiot

 

[Rabbie]

Idiot

Takes one to know one - so they say

 

[Rich]

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
*********
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

​

 

[Vassago]

LOL, nice one.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

Except that you can only do this once per assistant, and your reputation spreads quickly.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

Did that only once. No arguments at all. She never said a word when she tossed my stuff out the door.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

I find this works better if you toss the timer and don't cut yourself. Cut the person who is causing the stress that causes the high blood pressure.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

I always used the Smith & Wesson method of shutting off alarm clocks.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

For certain strains of the flu, you don't even need the laxatives.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

Now THIS is a USA solution.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

You know, sometimes Rich hits the nail on the head. (Proof that he hasn't got an electrical problem?)

*********

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Ooooh, don't tempt me. I work for the U.S. Government and by this standard, I'm SURROUNDED by Slinkies.

 

[kevlray]

I remember a joke that was told to me years ago.

A young man was working on making his car be able go real fast. He finally got everything working. So he though he would take a test drive. As he was going down the road (a wee bit over the speed limit). He remembered the local cop parks his motorcycle behind a billboard to catch speeders. So he went zooming past the billboard, saw the motorcycle cop start to chase him. So he hits the gas and leaves the cop behind. After a few miles he pulls over and waits for the motorcycle cop to catch up with him. After a few minutes, the young man wonders what has happened to the cop. So he turns around and heads back to the billboard. He finds the cop laying on the ground and the motorcycle off the side of the road all smashed up. So he runs up to the cop and asked what happened. The cop says "You left me so quickly that I thought my motorcycle had stopped, so I got off to see what was wrong with it".

 

[scott-atkinson]

I'm sorry but my sides are splitting....

 

[Rabbie]

I'm sorry but my sides are splitting....

The thread title does include worst joke

 

[PaulJR]

Can you see Homer Simpson?

Phew!!....I'd recommend people open that image from home!!

 

[Galaxiom]

Was that the best or the worst joke?

 

[John Big Booty]

• How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have a machine to do that now.

• How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

• Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!

• What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

• What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken.

• What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.

 

[Vassago]

• How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have a machine to do that now.

• How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

• Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!

• What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

• What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken.

• What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.

Hey now! This post is completely wrong about drummers. My looks play a mighty fine part on contraception too! I mean, with all this drool...

 

[Galaxiom]

Yeah. Many people love to deride drumming as a no brain contribution to music.

However this really reflects the lack of musical sophistication by the person making the comment. I am a vocalist and I definitely appreciate how a skilled drummer can make a world of difference the whole performance. Substituting them with a machine does not provide the same kind of nuance.

 

[scott-atkinson]

Yeah. Many people love to deride drumming as a no brain contribution to music.

However this really reflects the lack of musical sophistication by the person making the comment. I am a vocalist and I definitely appreciate how a skilled drummer can make a world of difference the whole performance. Substituting them with a machine does not provide the same kind of nuance.

An example of an excellent Drummer that contributes to the overall content of the music is Tre Cool from Green Day, and excellent drummer and without him the music would not be as good...

Just my opinion..

 

[DCrake]

The best drummer I have seen is the one the Cadbury's advert.

see link