Here is a small collection of jokes that were sent to me.
The Garage Door
A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed his garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."
When he headed out for a cup of coffee, he paused by her desk. "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?" He asked.
She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "I'm 83 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Te other said: "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really, you feel like a newborn baby?", the first replied.
"Yes I do. I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Hospital regulations
require a wheelchair for patients that are being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
A couple in their nineties
were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, their doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" His wife asked.
"Sure thing," he replied.
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it, like the doctor told us to?" she asked.
"No, I can remember it." He assured her.
"I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, sonot to forget it?" she asked.
"I can remember that," he said. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so please write it down." she said.
Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I've got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he went off to the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returned from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and finally said "Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"I hear you're getting married?"
"Yes I am!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"Is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Nope, she can't cook very well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Is she good in bed?"
"I don't know, we haven't done it yet."
"Then why in the world do you want to marry her?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys
were out walking, and the first one said, "Windy, isn't it?" "I believe that it's Thursday!" The second one said. The third one replied, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
An 82 year-old man
named Morris went to the doctor to get a physical.
Not too long after that, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
At his next visit, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said," Morris replied, "you told me to get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't exactly say that, Morris. What I said was that you've got a heart murmur and be careful."
A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Just a bad case of arthritis."
