Fifty2One
Legend in my own mind
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Unruly children on aircraft...
http://www.youtube.com/embed/M4SkoJy3D0M
http://www.youtube.com/embed/M4SkoJy3D0M
What's your best/worst joke? (10 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
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- Sep 6, 2001
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At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began admiring and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
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A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
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A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
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We could have been here sooner..
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
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Placing your order..
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Placing your order..
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Rx_
Nothing In Moderation
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Sometimes.... OK, daily
I have a single code issue that causes me to pull out my hair.
Perhaps somone can help me finish this code to reverse the problem:
Dim MyHead As Object
Dim LostHair As Lost Object
Do Until MyHead.NoLongerBald
Me!LostHair.Replace
Loop
MsgBox "Looking Good!"
I have a single code issue that causes me to pull out my hair.
Perhaps somone can help me finish this code to reverse the problem:
Dim MyHead As Object
Dim LostHair As Lost Object
Do Until MyHead.NoLongerBald
Me!LostHair.Replace
Loop
MsgBox "Looking Good!"
evilbungle
New member
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- 5
Have to admit I haven't read all 145 pages of jokes on here but this is my favourite - sorry if its been repeated.
A mother was getting onto a bus holding her child, as she climbed aboard the driver looked down at her baby.
"Wow" he exclaimed "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The woman was so shocked she didn't reply but took her ticket and walked down the bus, as she sat down the man next to her asked why she looked so angry.
"The bus driver just insulted me and I was so shocked I didn't say anything." she said.
"Well you should complain." Said the man.
"You're right, I will go and give him a piece of my mind." she replied.
"Good on you, If you want, whilst you're telling him off I'll hold your pet monkey"
A mother was getting onto a bus holding her child, as she climbed aboard the driver looked down at her baby.
"Wow" he exclaimed "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The woman was so shocked she didn't reply but took her ticket and walked down the bus, as she sat down the man next to her asked why she looked so angry.
"The bus driver just insulted me and I was so shocked I didn't say anything." she said.
"Well you should complain." Said the man.
"You're right, I will go and give him a piece of my mind." she replied.
"Good on you, If you want, whilst you're telling him off I'll hold your pet monkey"
This ventriloquist is be for an audience and he and his dummy were telling dumb blonde jokes (DBJ). He was telling DBJ’s one after another.
After a few minutes this woman in the audience who happened to be a blonde stood up and said, “Do you have any idea how degrading those jokes are? Every day at work I have to put up with them. The make me feel so terrible!
The ventriloquist said, “I’m really sorry! I meant to offend nobody.”
The woman said, I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to that little guy!
After a few minutes this woman in the audience who happened to be a blonde stood up and said, “Do you have any idea how degrading those jokes are? Every day at work I have to put up with them. The make me feel so terrible!
The ventriloquist said, “I’m really sorry! I meant to offend nobody.”
The woman said, I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to that little guy!
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
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- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
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After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and Barbecue season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Barbecue Routine
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.barbeque jokes
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all: barbeque jokes
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Barbecue Routine
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.barbeque jokes
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all: barbeque jokes
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
Dick7Access
Dick S
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- Jun 9, 2009
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- 4,342
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red
wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon
tied to a dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl
has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to
tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red
wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon
tied to a dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl
has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to
tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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- Jun 9, 2009
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- 4,342
GCF: Inner Peace
I think I have found the secret to inner peace.
I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to
finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato
chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of candy. I
feel better already.
I think I have found the secret to inner peace.
I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to
finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato
chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of candy. I
feel better already.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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- Joined
- Jun 9, 2009
- Messages
- 4,342
GCF: Overboard!
On a U.S. cruiser, the officer of the deck asked the starboard
lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"
"I'd yell 'Man overboard!'" answered the lookout snappily.
"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"
The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"
On a U.S. cruiser, the officer of the deck asked the starboard
lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"
"I'd yell 'Man overboard!'" answered the lookout snappily.
"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"
The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"
Dick7Access
Dick S
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- Jun 9, 2009
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- 4,342
GCF: New BicycleJohnny was one of those holy terrors. You know, the kind of child
that is into everything, can't keep still, drives you crazy. His
father was surprised when Johnny's mother suggested that they buy him
a bicycle for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" the father asked.
"Well, no," the mom admitted, "But it will spread it over a wider area."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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- Joined
- Jun 9, 2009
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- 4,342
GCF: Curiosity
Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions ...
lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.
"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.
"No," replied Terra.
"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he
looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"
Wide-eyed, Terra whispered:
"What was in the hole?"
“Was it a black cat?”
“Did they bury him or her in the hole?
Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions ...
lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.
"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.
"No," replied Terra.
"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he
looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"
Wide-eyed, Terra whispered:
"What was in the hole?"
“Was it a black cat?”
“Did they bury him or her in the hole?
Rx_
Nothing In Moderation
- Local time
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- Oct 22, 2009
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- 2,795
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me, Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
"Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!"
"Excuse me, Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
"Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!"
Rx_
Nothing In Moderation
- Local time
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- Oct 22, 2009
- Messages
- 2,795
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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- Jun 9, 2009
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- 4,342
GCF: Welsh Mat
An American was touring Wales, and upon entering a hotel in one town,
noticed the words, "TAM" written on the mat.
"Ah!" he said, "I suppose that's Welsh for Welcome."
"No, sir," replied the doorman. "That's the bath mat upside down."
An American was touring Wales, and upon entering a hotel in one town,
noticed the words, "TAM" written on the mat.
"Ah!" he said, "I suppose that's Welsh for Welcome."
"No, sir," replied the doorman. "That's the bath mat upside down."
Dick7Access
Dick S
- Local time
- Today, 02:18
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2009
- Messages
- 4,342
GCF: Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now.......
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now.......
Dick7Access
Dick S
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- Joined
- Jun 9, 2009
- Messages
- 4,342
GCF: Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
